Vanderpump Rules Recap: Southern Discomfort


Scheana's birthday drama was still in full affect when this episode picked up. Jax continued to deny being unFAITHful to Brittany (I couldn't help myself) and Kristen was especially pissed off at Jax. I love me some Crazy Kristen. Brittany ubered out of there and the Masquerade ball was officially over.

The next day Stassi went over to Villa Rosa where LVP was getting her new car. Really bitch? Do you mean to tell me that you didn't organise for your ex employee to see you magically getting your 30th luxury car. I see you Pinky. It turns out that Stassi wants to be an events planner now and thinks SUR is the perfect place. I'm not really following the logic but I guess she needs a storyline. After Lisa welcomed Stassi back into the Sexy Unique Restaurant family, the conversation immediately changed to the latest cheating scandal, where Stassi said she's disappointed she wasn't at the party because she's always wanted to impale someone. That would be pretty cool to have a head sitting on a stick in your apartment, but the head would be Jax's and who wants to look at that swallow lump.

Over at Casa Maloney-Schwartz, Brittany was venting to Katie about dating the human version of a bruised apple and announced her plans to head to Vegas and hoe it up like a single girl. Jax came in to try and speak to her but Miss Southern Belle was not having it.

Finally after their D'n'M, Brittany headed back down the hall to pack for Vegas. Jax tried to follow her around and apologise to her in this weird Taco Belle sweater before he admitted that he slept with Faith. I'm stunned, I thought we had a few more episodes filled with lies and denies before the big reveal. I don't know why I'm surprised that Jax cheated on her, I guess I more faith in him (pardon the pun.) After the admission Brittany cried with her little dog which was the saddest thing ever to watch. Brittany is probably the only person on this show who is an actual good person and now she's dealing with this mess.

I refuse to believe that someone could be that stupid. Did Jax really think that he could have sex with anyone, let alone someone in their group and NOT expect it to get back to Brittany? Maybe he did it because he wanted her to find out, maybe he wanted drama or maybe he just doesn't have two brain cells to rub together because I can't figure out his thought process behind this. The thing that made this reveal even juicer is that it means he DID have sex in the same room as the 95-year-old lady. I have no words.

DJ James Kennedy and his airhead girlfriend Raquel went on over to Pump to try and ask Lord Lisa for new jobs at all the different establishments in her empire. Raquel asked for a job at Vanderpump Dogs and didn't understand what Lisa meant when she asked what she does for a living. I have water in my fridge that's smarter than this girl but Lisa offered her a volunteer position so the joke's on her. James also used this time to try and get his job back at Pump. If he's been fired 458 times before wouldn't he get the hint that he probably isn't welcome there either. LVP is letting him work there on Tuesdays. Well played Vanderpump.

Ariana's brother Jeremy had a birthday party which was so stupid and had literally no point. Everyone was just talking about Jax's latest cheating rumour, Sandoval let Jeremy move back in with them and the word "dude" was uttered around 230 times. That's a drinking game right there. While everybody was bad mouthing the human pumpkin AKA Jax Taylor, Schwartz started crying about having to be a grown up? It was literally the dumbest scene I've ever watched and Sandoval consoled him while tears ruined his makeup. Seriously, tone down on the bronzer - dude.

The Pump also headed down to Long Beach to be the Grand Marshall in another gay pride march. We get it, Lisa Vanderpump loves gay people. Ariana and the Tom's came down to support Lisa, but to also give her a rim job to apologise for last week's shit talking. Schwartz even had the balls to defend Jax to the world but LVP shut the shit down faster than she shuts down Ken's sexual advances. Does Tom Schwartz realise that he looks like a fucking idiot when he tried to defend Jax? Keep your mouth shut bubba.

While at the gay pride event, Sandoval and Ariana stumbled upon a leather whipping tent which would normally make any normal people run for the hills, but not these sexually deprived lovers. Seriously, does he need to remind us every 10 seconds that they are having a dry spell. Maybe if he didn't waste his juice masterbating to Ariana's hair then he'd be able to have sex with her. Long story short, Sandoval bought a whip, so I'm sure Jeremy is going to be traumatised by hearing their kinky sex life through the thin walls of Tom's dark and dingy apartment.

Kristen finally appeared in the episode but it was only to talk to Stassi in her massive closet before her date with Patrick. I'm not sure what games the producers are trying to play this season, but we need more Kristen Doute on the show. Enough said. For some strange reason Patrick finally agreed to be filmed and when I saw him pick Stassi up. Meh. We waited four seasons to see him on the show and that's it? It's like when you order pizza and then you eat the pizza and it's okay but it's not what you thought it was gonna be. Patrick is the pizza.

The happy couple went on their date and Kristen was officially done with her time on this weeks episode. Seeing Patrick and Stassi's relationship dynamic is sad. He's older, condensing and a little rude. I'm not surprised they've broken up so many times. It was weird to see Stassi be so clueless and submissive towards Patrick because that's not the Stassi that we know. Overall, I'm not sold on Mr Meagher.

The final scene was everyone pretending to still work at Sur. I find it hard to believe that they are all pushing 40 and still serving tables, but I'll play along. Saint Brittany, from which she is now to be known, is back and more beloved than ever. Bravo gave us a Jaxtapostion (sorry, another pun) and it's clear that Jax and Brittany are in completely different places. She was telling the girls how confused and heartbroken she is and Jax doesn't seem to give a fuck about what he's done. Brittany also dropped the bomb that they slept together earlier that day. And just like that, her Saint title has been revoked.

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!