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Vanderpump Rules Recap: Big Bear

This week's episode was a little lukewarm, but I can accept that given the amazing season that we have been delivered so far! Basically the entire cast with the exception of the Witches of WeHO, headed up to Scheana's new boyfriend's cabin in Big Bear which of course required her to brag about how "great" he is.

LVP had to shut down Sur to renovate due to the fire damage so she gave Tom, Ariana & Scheana shifts at Villa Blanca to pretend that they still work there because they "couldn't manage missing a days pay." Are they serious? Why do they still have to pretend like they work there when the they are getting paid thousands of dollars to film this show. I see through you Bravo!

Lisa made the rounds to ensure that her staff were working and to get some extra camera time. Tom & Ariana filled her in on their Big Bear trip which made Scheana and her new face run over and give them her rehearsed monologue about how great Rob is. Ugh. She said that they've been going there for 11 years, except the 6 in the middle, where y'know, SHE WAS MARRIED. Why is she trying to rewrite the narrative to make it seem like Rob is the real guy she's supposed to be with and pretend that Shay just held her captive for the last few years. It drives me crazy.

While almost the entire cast packed for their weekend away, the Witches of WeHO were painting and bedazzling their scooters. In case you forgot, Katie & Kristen are still pissed at Stassi for ditching her own party and forcing them to pay the bill after she refused to do a shot out of a stripper's ass. That might be the best storyline on this show, I mean have any of you ever fought with your friends over drinking something out of another person's butt crack?

Stassi arrived at the scooter decorating party and immediately broke down about her bitchy behaviour, wrote her friends a check and they all made up. The only problem now is that Kristen has to google "how to cash a cheque." Bless her heart. The Witches of WeHO then rode their scooters which they referred to as their broomsticks which is such a good business opportunity. Scheana needs to stop giving them such trademarkable nicknames.

Stassi also sat down with Katie and confirmed that she isn't happy in her relationship with Patrick and she agrees that she is so desperate and submissive around him. Finally, she's seen the light. I don't know who is more gross: Patrick or Rob. Maybe Rob because looks like a stepped on sausage. Stassi didn't know what to do with her relationship and turned to her only form of guidance, a tarot card reader. This psychic who more than likely ripped the reality star off, told her she's going to be pregnant in 2019 and will have more than one kid. Mmm, I'm gonna keep track of this and see if the baby prediction comes true. The reader also said that Stassi works for her relationship while her boyfriend doesn't, but you don't have to be a psychic to see that, literally I predicted it from day fucking one.

Jax wanted his fuckable therapist Kelsey to join him during his "fragile time" in Big Bear, Lala low-key established that James may still be in love with her and then the crew made their way to Big Bear, which is a country town in California, not a chubby and hairy gay man, for anyone who's confused. Nothing much happened aside from Scheana shitting on Shay and bragging about her new man which even her closest friends got sick of. This bitch needs to live in her truth and stop trying to change the story everytime she finds a new guy because it's just sad and desperate to watch and blatantly obvious that she's doing it from being insecure about her divorce.

The drinks started flowing and the group played a sex question game where we found out that Rob hasn't been to a swingers party because he likes his dick too much and he knows Scheana will throw a Lorena Bobbit if he does become a swinger, which was supported by her confirming that his dick is big and she loves it. Ugh shut up Scheana, we can all see it's a chode just from looking at his face. True tea.

The remainder of the episode was just DJ James Kennedy acting like a drunken asshole. He is a person that just shouldn't have any encounter with alcohol, unless he's a reality star which makes the perfect recipe for a fight. DJ James Kennedy started popping off at Lala and confirmed that they weren't friends. This fight had been brewing for a while because James obviously still loves Lala and is mad that she is with an asshole who doesn't treat her right. If my friend was telling me about all the fights and horrible times that they've had with their man, then I wouldn't like his ass either.

Raquel spoke up to James for the first time in forever and told him that it hurts her feelings that he is so touchy feely with Lala. Why is Bambi still here? James is either low-key gay or obsessed with Lala. It's one of the two, so I have no idea why he's stringing this dumb pixie along.

The whole gang got sick of drunk DJ James Kennedy and decided to go to bed. Jax was in a "fragile state" which is just laughable. Not even Brittany was giving his swollen face any sympathy. While everyone tried to go the fuck to sleep, James and Lala fought outside where he admitted that he loved her, even though his Bambi-esque girlfriend was inside playing with her My Little Pony collection. Lala wanted an apology for James because of his constant hating on her boyfriend, but she didn't get one. Why is James fucking over the one person who's his actual friend on the show? This was not a smart move on his part, but has this British turd ever made a smart move on this show?

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!

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