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RHOBH Recap: Baby Doll Hooker

This entire episode was the result of a very confusing game of telephone that was all orchestrated by Dorito Kemsley. From reading my recaps and shade of the week, it's pretty clear that I would rather rip each out of my toenails off than have any kind of encounter with the accent confused housewife, however she is delivering all the drama to the show right now, so you have to be grateful for that.

Speaking of Dorito, she and LVP went on a leisurely stroll through Central Park so she could brag about her BELLA Magazine cover and do damage control for the shit she's been talking about Lisa Vanderpump of late. Naturally LVP got jealous over Dorito's BELLA debut and had to remind her of her own cover party, which was an epic fail when none of the other ladies decided to show up. Also what is Dorito wearing? They are in New York for Fashion Week and this bitch is prancing around in sweats that probably cost more than a down payment on a house. Dorito, you aren't Kylie Jenner.

The British wannabe took her time to tell LVP that the only shit she said about her was that she felt left out when they talked in groups and that she needs attention because she didn't get that in her upbringing. Lisa forgave Dorit and said it was fine, but you just know that she was plotting Dorito's takedown from the moment that she heard the first sliver of disloyalty leave her "BFFs" mouth.

Erika was in New York to meet with her Simon & Schuster's publishers. The Pretty Mess is super anxious and nervous about the great writers that have come before her. Listen, she has a ghost writer to help her write her memoir, it's not supposed to be spectacular piece of literature, it's supposed to make Simon & Schuster a few coins because she's the most popular real housewife in the franchise right now.

With that out of the way, all the ladies got their hair and makeup done for Dorito's BELLA Magazine Cover Party because in case you didn't already know, Dorito is on the cover. Ugh, she makes me wanna cut my ear off with a spoon. Lisa Fucking Rinna was getting her classic blowout done and spilled the tea on her daughter's furniture delivery man getting robbed. Only in New York does this happen, or Detroit. No tea, no shade. Rinna got the news that her daughter's would be walking in a Dolce & Gabbana show in Milan which resulted in one of them peeing from excitement, which just proves that she is Lisa Rinna's daughter. Also can we talk about Lisa Fucking Rinna's leopard print confessional look? She is slaying and I am here all day for this. It's classy, simple and understated yet sexy at the same time. God I love me some Rinna! OWNNN IT!

Erika's gay's dressed her and chose a Baby Doll Hooker vibe to go with, which is always the look you want to go for when you're Erika Jayne. I like this look. It's nice school girl meets slutty at the same time. What does the glam squad do when Miss Jayne goes out with her Bravo co-workers? Do they just sit in the room and order or room service or do they head out to the hottest gay club and hunt for some dick. I hope the latter because those boys deserve some fun after their hard work of constructing their barbie doll everyday.

Kyle was also getting done up for the night out and looked bomb, I love a high pony. It tightens and gives you life, what's not to love? All the girls were really taking fashion risks tonight and slaying, while LVP strolled into Kyle's room with her tired blowout and dull makeup. I'm bored. Even Lisa Fucking Rinna's been changing up her 20 year old do. LVP filled Kyle in on her talk with Dorito in the park which prompted Kyle to tell Lisa that Teddi & Camille told her that Dorito told them that LVP was jealous, needy insecure. Do you see this massive game of telephone that's developing? It's giving me vertigo. Lisa Vanderpump's obviously pissed and was thinking even more about the revenge she's going to subtly and slowly pull on Dorito.

Finally after everyone was glammed up, the gang headed to Dorito's BELLA Magazine Cover Party. Miss Kemsley was the centre of attention, so naturally, she was in her element. While she lapped up all the faux media love, Kyle sat down with Erika to tell her that the beach house drama that Dorito had told her about was no big deal and that everyone was discussing it, Miss Jayne accepted her apology and things were all good. Inches away LVP opened up to Teddi about another issue that Dorito's mouth had caused, the shit talking the night before. Wow, Dorito created drama without even being in a conversation. I hate to say it but she is making the show right now.

The girls left the party in the rain which caused all of them to duck under their jumpers and run to their van, Erika even managed to find a generous gay man to lend her his umbrella while Teddi walked to the car because she's not a witch, she's not gonna melt. Just in case you forgot that Teddi was the low-key homegirl. Everyone arrived at a bar that was cryptically called The Bar. Miss Mellencamp sat down and flashed her pus at Erika. It was a beautiful pus but Erika quickly told her to put it away and a three month long cold war aka PantyGate was avoided. Rinna got drunk and started flapping all over the couch which is what I aspire to be in life.

Kyle started yelling at Dorito for talking shit about her and LVP at dinner the night before. Miss Richards went in on her, like I haven't seen in a VERY long time. I miss this Kyle. Suddenly Dorito was backed into a corner and searched for the nearest person to blame, Teddi, for telling Kyle about the shit she talked and saying that she "made a mountain out of a molehill." Does this bitch have no self awareness?

SHE was the one who told Erika what everybody was saying LAST EPISODE and made that situation a mountain out a molehill, she can't Teddi for doing the same thing but in a slightly more serious situation. I don't know if she has amnesia or if she's just stupid but she has got to be delusional not to see the hypocrisy. While Kyle defended her and LVP against all the shit talking, LVP just sat in her back and sipped her drink. That is one bitch I would never trust. Kyle started REALLY going off on Dorito, which was a sign for Rinna to get the fuck out there and for Erika to start trying to sort all the shit out.

Dorito felt upset and wanted to get a cab home and then LVP offered to go with her? Ummm? You've known Kyle for 10 years, she just defended you against someone talking shit about you, but you want to accompany the shit talker home? Someone tell me if that situation makes any sense whatsoever. This then caused Kyle to storm off. Oh god. How did this show turn into two middle aged women fighting for LVP's affections. This is just sad. All the girls rode back to the hotel together, Kyle cried, LVP made it about herself and walked out again but someone Dorito managed to get out unscathed again. How does she have the talent to drop a massive pile of elephant shit but then make it Kyle & LVP's problem? That's one clever Dorito!

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these 90210 ladies.