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RHOP Premiere Recap: Grand Dame Deficit

The Maryland ladies may have slayed in their return to TV but their editors are the ones who really deserve a pay rise after the shady montage this episode started with. We picked up weeks after the Washington Post published an article about how Karen and The Black Bill Gates owe millions in taxes. The shady editors paired the tabloid headlines with echoes of the Housewives speculation about Karen's poor financial situation as she walked through her Great Falls estate. This has got to be one of the greatest opening scenes in Housewives history. I'm getting wet just thinking about what's to come this season.

After revealing that she cannot talk about the scandal on camera, Karen sat down with her husband to talk about their tax scandal on camera. Is anyone else following Karen's delusional mind? The Black Bill Gates very logically told Karen that he bought a business and didn't realise that he would be personally taxed for it, which is why he now owes millions of dollars in taxes, which makes a lot of sense. However Karen makes everything harder to understand because she constantly has to hide behind her Grand Dame mask and try to show the world that everything is perfect when in reality her husband and her may be indicted. Are we watching Joe & Teresa 2.0, because I don't know if I can go through that again. Oh who am I kidding, I would live for another revival of Housewives in prison.

I decided to change Karen's title to Grand Dame Deficit to match Marie Antoinette's infamous nickname Madame Deficit which was given to her due to her luxurious lifestyle. This is a comparison that I think Mrs Huger would actually like because they are both boughie bitches who have serious money problems, except I'm sure that Marie Antoinette had a nicer kitchen.

While all the ladies gossiped and Messy Boots Ashley got google alerts about Karen's very public tax scandal, Gizelle was busy spending time with her kids and plugging her makeup brand Every Hue Beauty. While powdering her 12-year-olds face with makeup Gizelle FaceTimed her new boo Sherman and assured us that even though she doesn't cook for him, she fucks him quite well. I'm all about being an open book but did we really have to know that? Sherman seems like a good guy and he looks like he can handle Gizelle who is a WHOLE lot of woman to handle.

Ashley and her Aussie import husband are still having problems in their May-December relationship but the 28-year-old decided to move back in with him to give it a second chance. NOPE! Don't do it Ashely! Initially these two feuded over their failing restaurant but now it seems like all their fights end with Michael throwing his financial power in Ashley's face. Nothing makes me madder than when a man uses his money to control a woman and it clearly shows that he doesn't respect Ashley which is why their relationship is doomed. If Michael believes that she is really just with him for the money and he continues to bring it up every time they have a fight, Ashley should just head for the fucking hills and move into her bankrupt mother's house which is currently payed for by Michael. HA! The mess of it all.

Monique officially moved into Potomac and Robyn & Juan are still in their annoying will-they-won't-they relationship but it's harder to watch now because Juan shaved his head and it is not cute. It's been three seasons now and these two still sleep in the same bed and have sex, I don't care what they say, they are basically a married couple at this point and I'm convinced that they keep prolonging their reconciliation so that Robyn can continue to have a storyline for the show.

Once we were all caught up on the goings on in the Potomac ladies lives, the Great Falls Housewife invited the Hanover Housewife out for lunch. This show is becoming The Real Housewives of The Greater Maryland Area instead of Potomac at this point. Karen decided to take Robyn out to lunch to thank her for giving her advice about her financial problems but their "peaceful" lunch quickly got turnt. Robyn said that she didn't believe that Karen was telling her the truth about her financial situation and The Grand Dame Deficit responded by lying that her husband never told her about his tax issues when in actuality the producers threw in a shady flashback of The Black Bill Gates telling Karen about his tax issues. Karen may be more delusional than a drunk Sonja Morgan but I am living for it. There's nothing better than a delusional Housewife that believes her own bullshit.

Robyn stepped in shit by revealing that she had talked to the other ladies about what the blogs had been saying about Karen which prompted Grand Dame Deficit to say "What is a blog? You guys read blogs?" Well I guess Mrs Huger isn't scrolling through the pages of Good Tea. In true Karen form she started to get triggered that Robyn had talked to the other women about her which only escalated the situation and caused her to storm off with her receding hairline, but not before she dropped an epic quote "You've got to make millions to owe millions!" So did she just admit that she does in fact owe millions? Jesus, Karen made me dizzy from all the circles she was going in. Grand Dame Deficit read Robyn a little more and then stormed out of the crowded restaurant in a puff of smoke.

Reminder: this was only the first episode.

The Real Housewives of Potomac airs Sunday at 10/9c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these Maryland ladies.