RHONY Premiere Recap: Lady Drunkinda Medley
I have a red rash all over my body and my sister ate the leftover risotto in the fridge, so this RHONY premiere came at the perfect time. This episode was the best premiere of any show that I've seen in a very long time and easily surpassed anything that the Beverly Hills ladies have put out in the last 3 years.
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Before I dive into the fabulous drunkenness of Dorinda's messy Halloween party, let's check in with all the ladies since we last saw them. Bethenny just came back from helping hurricane victims as apart of her charity B Strong and received an award for her efforts. Instead of holding some boughie, Ramona New Beginnings-esque charity event, the Skinnygirl actually went and helped the people on the ground in Puerto Rico and spent her own money to do it, which shows that she actually gives a fuck. Tinsley, who donated $10,000, and Ramona, who donated $3,000, were the only Housewives invited to watch B receive her award. Wow, who knew that Miss Mugshot Mortimer had so much money in the bank? And are you telling me that Carole didn't donate any money to her BFF? I think this will definitely have something to do with their eventual beef this season.
Along with giving Bethenny large sums of money, Tinsley has also become BFF's with Carole after the two both bonded over their on-and-off relationships. Yes that's right, Tinsley and the coupon guy are no longer together because he lives in Chicago and she's in New York. Carole also has a "progressive" relationship with her boy toy Adam who selectively brings her either coffee or cock every morning because they both like to have their cake and eat it too. I'm sure that Adam loves eating his cake every morning with a side of coffee. The former Kennedy turned Princess' latest storyline is her attempt at running the New York marathon which is hysterical because she has a bad relationship with physical activity and looks like Phoebe Buffay when she runs.
How does she always come up with a new "out-of-the-box" storyline every season? Carole is the Carrie Bradshaw of this show. She's the cool writer girl who lives downtown, with witty humour, an aversion to exercise and obvious commitment issues. Tell me that Carole isn't Carrie, especially with her new blonde do that literally resembles CB in the later seasons of SATC.
Speaking of obviously flawed relationships, the Countess went to talk to Dorinda about her divorce from Tom. After the whirlwind year that Lu has had full of arrests, rehab stints and threatening to kill police officers, I almost forget that she even got divorced. Her thumb of an ex-husband obviously didn't respect her and whipped his dick out of his pants at any chance he could, which was the ultimate cause for the demise of their relationship. He was a cunt and I truly believe that after a couple months of him continuously frequenting The Regency and meeting up with ex girlfriend's, Luann finally saw that she couldn't change him and wanted out. I'm not sitting here going "Poor Lu" because I don't think she's that sad, and rightfully so. She's upset that the marriage didn't work out but she's devastated, crying on the bathroom floor. All the ladies added their two cents to the infamous breakup and Lady Morgan compared it to Luann's rocky camel ride in Morocco which is both the best and worst example ever, maybe if Tom gave her a better ride than that camel they'd still be together.
In the Housewives world there is nothing better than a costume party and a drunk fight and Dorinda's party provided us with both of those favourable pastimes. The resident slurrer decided to throw a Halloween bash to get the gang back together and the ladies really went all out. The host went as Lady Gaga in her bubble dress that an SNL costume designer made but you don't have to remember that because after a few martinis that was the only thing she could talk about. Tinsley dressed up as Madonna like 1000 other basic bitches across America did, Ramona came as Britney Spears in her red latex body suit with her tits pushed up to her chin and her camel toe out for the world to see, Bethenny was Barbie but with help from her drag queen glam squad she managed to look like Erika Jayne, Sonja Tremont Morgan and her boo Rocco went as Lucy & Ricky, Carole was Amelia Earhart, the dullest costume at the party, and Luann went as Diana Ross with a very subtle spray tan and a huge afro. Luann is literally always in a quick sand pit of shit because whatever she does, she just can't get out of the shit pit.
By the time Dorinda arrived at her own party she was already shit faced and Sonja's anti social behaviour became the target of her martini induced rage. If there was one thing Dorinda was made to do, it was drink on reality TV. I don't know what's up with Sonja but she was acting really weird in the episode. We learned that Ramonja is no more, because Lady Morgan had no time for her bestie over the summer. She blamed it on her antidepressants that made her gain weight and travel the world, but I think there must be something deeper because you don't go from being late in life lesbians in Mexico to barely speaking a few months later. I just want to live in her mind for a day because even her sober train of thought is all over the place.
I'm officially changing Dorinda's name to Lady Drunkinda Medley because her latest antics made her the MVP of this episode. She went from talking about cooking Carole chicken, to bragging about her deshelved costume and eventually pulling her wig off, walking out of her own party black out drunk and sleeping in her hotel room with her boyfriend John "The Meatball" Mahdessian. If loving Lady Drunkinda Medley is wrong then I never ever wanna be right!
Apart from Sonja alienating herself from the group and Lady Drunkinda Medley's blackout behaviour the only thing left was for Bethenny and Ramona to fight, I mean what else are those two supposed to do when they're in the same room for longer than 18 seconds. B brought up her new house in The Hamptons and of course Ramona couldn't help but mention that it's on the wrong side of the highway which got Bethenny triggered and caused the two frenemies to re-enter the Ramona Coaster. Honestly I don't know why Bethenny let's herself get so worked up over Ramona's dumb comments, she's successful in her own right so why does she need to care about what her jealous co-worker has to say. Ramona's mind is like a catholic nun, nothing penetrates it, so Bethenny can talk until Mario comes home and Ramona still isn't going to understand the phrase "UnbeWEAVEable." However unlike Tinsley's voice and Carole's age, seeing those two OGs fight will never get old.
Just a friendly reminder that this was only the FIRST episode of a season that is rumoured to potentially be the best ever in Housewives history. Get ready because these NYC ladies are about to renew our faith in reality TV after the previous lacklustre seasons that their sister cities have been delivering this year.
The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the big apple ladies!