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RHONY Recap: Sonja Moron

The Real Housewives franchise is full of questions that we may never know the answers to like, did Dorito do coke in the bathroom? Is Kenya Moore really a slut from the 90s? Was Melissa Gorga a stripper? Did Kyle steal Kim's goddamn house? Or why does Karen Huger's hair stylist hate her? But no question is as puzzling as: why did Sonja take the bus?

While the other women of the group were packing their expensive clothes and driving in their nice cars to The Hamptons, Lady Morgan loaded onto a Greyhound bus like the hot mess express that she is. She tried to claim that it was a luxurious way to travel but it was rough to watch. What is going on with her this season? Sonja has always been the delusional drunk aunt that we all know and tolerate but this year her eccentricity has gone up and notch with her weird antidepressant summer flashback story and that random gay Wednesday party. To add to the bizarre behaviour of Sonja, she also had a list of demands for Lu, who she was staying with in The Hamptons, which included a juicer so that she could continue her juice cleanse. What the fuck? Does she remember how she accosted Tinsley last year for being a bad house guest and not having etiquette but now Lady Morgan is requesting that her hostess buy appliances for her? It's great TV, I just don't know what is happening, we should really start calling her Sonja Moron.

During Sonja Moron's pilgrimage to the Hamptons Dorinda, Carole and Tinsley all talked about her shit talking ways and established that she is nasty nice. They don't realise that they've been insulted by Sonja until after the conversation is over but that's the trademark of being a successful passive aggressive Upper East Side broad. WASPs know how to throw sneaky shade which is something Trust Fund Mortimer should know. Ramona also arrived at her Hampton's Estate to buy some paintings from art dealers but ended up putting them to work like they were foreign workers at one of the resort houses she frequents. Imagine meeting a pushy 61-year-old woman to sell her some art and then being forced to move her furniture and fix her electrical equipment, is that not the most Ramona Singer thing ever? They got pushed onto the Ramona Coaster and she wasn't letting them press the emergency exit. I hope the managed to escape without witnessing one of her creepy flirty innuendos.

The thing I like about this franchise is that every season is structured. We always begin in the Hamptons, then the ladies return to New York and take additional trips to the Berkshires and a tropical location. It just works and each Housewife performs to the best of their abilities in each different setting. Bethenny is the MVP of the Berkshires, Dorinda always manages to roast Sonja in the Hamptons, Ramona & Sonja behave like 3 year-olds whenever they are taken out of the country and Lu is normally drunk at any and all locations.

After everyone arrived in the Hamptons and Sonja got off her bus, the ladies all assembled for Bethenny's birthday dinner at a Greek restaurant and as per usual the women were all late. That would be the main plot for an entire season on Beverly Hills, but things are less uptight in NYC and thank God for that because I would have slit my wrists if LateGate spread into the Big Apple franchise. Dorinda, Ramona, Carole & Tinsley have all formed their own Bitchy Blonde alliance against Sonja who pathological sprouts more bullshit that an actual bull's asshole.

Carole's storyline this season is running the New York City marathon but because that only lasted the first two episodes I guess her storyline for the rest of the season will be complaining about the ladies who didn't support her at the marathon. Sonja, Lu and Bethenny all alleged that they sent Carole beautiful messages about completely the marathon and she replied with "thanks" and just "thx" in Sonja Moron's case. The Carrie Bradshaw wannabe got into it with her former BFF about whether or not she replied to her texts about the marathon and I'm still not sure what the conclusion was, I think Carole won (?!). It seems like there is a much deeper issue between Bethenny and Carole and their fight over replying to a text is the first chance that both ladies exposed their underlying feelings for each other. I don't know what went down, but there is definitely someone jealously towards Mugshot Mortimer on Bethenny's behalf.

Following everyone getting defensive over Carole's marathon, Lu also told B that she was right about Tom and apologised to the group for not taking their advice about the bald-headed pig. Ramona insisted on continuing to talk about the Tom drama but I don't know why we need to. The serial cheater provided enough chatter on this show to last a lifetime and I don't wanna hear about his unruly penis ever again, unless someone pulled a Lorena Bobbitt on it. To end the dinner, Lu tried to find some music and returned singing Happy Birthday to Bethenny in her cigarette-stained voice and her best Marilyn Monroe impersonation. The group of middle-aged divorced cougars got their overly injected faces up and starting dancing to the Greek music. THAT is what we want to see. Conflict followed by drunk dancing.

The next morning was the battle of the brunches and we know these bitches can brunch. After Carole managed to crawl out of Bethenny's anus, Tinsley jumped up Miss Radzwill's boney posterior. Can you imagine being Carole's bitch? Having to listen to her constant Trump chatter would be like death by 1000 paper cuts, but if the paper was blunt and so then you really needed to go ham to achieve your goal of suicide. Bethenny arrived at brunch with the two asshole buddies but they were so wrapped up in a conversation about Mugshot Mortimer's frozen eggs that they didn't even notice her walk in.

By the time that Carole & Tinsley realised that another breathing human being was at the table, the conversation turned to Sonja and how she said that Tinsley's boyfriend was paying for her lifestyle. Honestly, who gives a shit. Either her rich family or her rich boyfriend are paying for her apartment, it's not like she's a self made woman, so I don't understand the anger on Tinsley's part and neither did Bethenny. Why are these women even acknowledging Sonja and her reckless mouth? Lady Morgan is just lonely in her townhouse and runs her mouth because she's bored and wants attention. I think that her mouth starts running and her brain can't keep up. They should just let her spill her lies in the corner and ignore everything she says.

Obviously, this wasn't the case because the other bitches also brunched at Lu's Sag Harbour house. Sonja, of course, started her morning in a caftan and a coffee cup full of bullshit. She claimed that Ramona was fucking her contractor Mario without any proof which set Dorinda off, who had been waiting to roast Sonja since she heard she had called her fat. The mess of it all. Like Sonja has done for the entire time that we've known her, she brought up her lawsuit, divorce and daughter going to boarding school as a reason for her confusing life. Yes Sonja, those are hard things to go through but they nearly happened a decade ago and you STILL talk about them like they occurred yesterday. When Dorinda tried to shut her excuses down by showing her a real and recent problem, her husband dying, Sonja replied with "Ohh, we’ve heard that 1000 times."

Umm. Wow. Holy fuck. Even if you think that you can't open your mouth and say that to a woman whose husband died. You just don't. No bueno. That's just basic respect and manners, something I thought that Lady Morgan came equipped with. I don't know where she got her alleged lessons in etiquette but maybe it was at the same place where she picks up her 22-year-old one night stands. Naturally, Dorinda went OFF and I don't think I have ever seen her that mad, not even when she's had her dirtiest martini. She exposed all the tea about Sonja's marriage that ranged from her fucking everyone in the south of France to her ex marrying her friend. And this was Miss Medley WITHOUT alcohol. I don't how Dorinda got her tea but keep talking honey.

The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the big apple ladies!

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