RHOP Recap: Mommy Issues
I don't know what is more confusing: the fact that Charrisse is still on this show, Robyn's decision to stay with Juan or that Candiace owns a hair company when she needs some serious work on her own. Couldn't an assisting gay just sew her weave back into place because I can't be the only person that noticed the mess on top of her head?
The Word on the Street and Grand Dame Deficit met up to discuss their differences over a nice lunch. Karen and her receding hairline were still mad at Gizelle for her shady t-shirt at the press conference. I love Miss Gizelle but that messy hashtag shirt was definitely in poor taste. She apologised for the shirt but Mrs Black Bill Gates insisted that she was to pay for their lunch together because she was still in the naughty corner but the joke was on Karen because we all know that Bravo was picking up the check and not Gizelle. I like the friendship of the two matriarchs of the show, however delusional Karen may be. Potomac is probably the only city in the franchise without a definitive leader and makes it a more ensemble show than the rest. Atlanta has NeNe, New York has Bethenny and Dallas even has LeeAnne "They're Just Hands" Locken, but the lowkey matriarchal feud between Karen and Gizelle to become the show's centre cherry blossom is entertaining to watch.
Little Miss Ashley also had her own problems in this episode. Her Aussie sugar daddy of a husband declared that she had to cut her mother off financially because she disobeyed their instructions to break up with her toxic boyfriend, so she had to have a meeting with her mom. Ashley's mom met her said toxic boyfriend 15 years ago while he was unemployed and living in a tent and nearly two decades later he is still unemployed but now is living in a nice home thanks to Ashley and Michael's pockets. I'm all for supporting your parents but Michael shouldn't have to overwork his Australian ass just to keep a roof over the heads of his in-laws. In Ashley's meeting with her mom, she told her to break up with the boyfriend, who in turn gave her the textbook responses for a woman in an abusive relationship like:
"Do you look at the positives?"
"He's changing, he really is"
"He has gotten much better"
"I'm gonna work on him"
She sounded just like Brittany from Vanderpump Rules with all those sad excuses. At the end of the day, he's been like this for 15 years and I don't see him changing now. I just want the boyfriend to sign a release and get his ass in front of a Bravo camera so that I can see the mess we are dealing with. The mom really should just dump the loser but like an alcoholic, you can't help a person unless they want to help themselves. It's just sad that Ashley's own mother is willing to let a man come between them, but apparently, it's been happening for their entire relationship. Seeing Ashley get emotional about her mom really gave her depth which we haven't seen previously on the show and I weirdly hope that we see it again. Towards the end of the meeting, Ashely tearfully gave her mom a checklist to get her life financially in order but I do not think that the sheet of paper even made it to the car.
Gizelle realised that the group "wasn't having fun anymore" and called them together to hash out their issues and get along. Didn't Gizelle get the memo that she is on reality TV show and they'll get cancelled if they do get along? I always hate the fake surprise at the idea that the ladies don't like each other because what else did they expect from this show? Nevertheless, I played along and all the ladies except Candiace arrived at the party. Is this bitch on the show or not? I know that sometimes it takes a while for the cast to get picked but Miss Pageant USA has attended some events but others, it's confusing that she wouldn't be at another cast gathering but "friend of" Charrisse would. Speaking of the vocally impaired former Housewife, she definitely had a hard-on for Karen "Someone Needs To Pull My Wig Forward" Huger. Their shady dynamic is hilarious considering that they are the two women on this cast that pretend to have class when the streets continue to report that they both have shady, sexual double lives.
When all the ladies arrived at Gizelle's "Sunday Best" lunch she began to read her book and damn is it a hot mess. The book is "loosely based" on her life as a pastor's wife and the mess that ensued when her husband stuck his dick in half the congregation. It's a juicy idea but I want to hear her unabridged auto-biography version where she can spill every last drop of tea about her ex, not a dumb fiction book that her ghostwriter speed typed in a Starbucks somewhere. What is it with these Housewives and ghostwriters? In my opinion, if you can't write a book, then don't. It's just a waste of everyone's time to buy a book about you that a random person wrote. Does ANYONE remember BookGate?
If the idea of the book didn't entice you to buy a copy then the actual reading of it wouldn't either. Her reading of the book was disjointed at best and the words didn't exactly flow off the tongue. Normally Monique and her hyper personality don't throw the best shade, but she hit it home when she made the call that Gizelle needs a ghost reader as well as a ghostwriter. And why do they have to call it a ghostwriter? Is Casper scribbling away somewhere? Gizelle also confirmed that she wants to spill the tea of the black church but she doesn't want to expose anyone. What the fuck? Now, where's the fun in that? I read books for the sole purpose to sip tea, not to make vague connections to Gizelle's former church life.
After the entire book mess was put on the table, Miss Word on the Street tried to bring some harmony amongst the group. The light-skinned, green-eyed, life-sucking force that is Robyn Dixon was at the centre of the group's drama and had it out with both Ashley and Monique over their latest beefs. Little Miss Ashley explained that her entire reason for giving unsolicited advice in Robyn's relationship with Juan was because of her own mother's excuse of staying with her boyfriend only because they share a daughter together. Hearing that sentence explained so much about her behaviour last year and made her look a little less messy, obviously, the fiery troublemaker was projecting her own issues onto Robyn.
Just when Ashley was finally starting to sound like a grownup, she was quickly reminded of her humping Robyn the first time they met. I forgot how far Ashley has come, she went from mildly assaulting strangers to raising a sensible argument at a dinner table - but Robyn didn't feel the same way. She started going off about Ashley's constant invasion into her life and yelled: "WHAT HAVE I DONE TO YOU?!" I don't know what's more offensive and insulting, giving unsolicited advice about someone's home life or yelling at another woman with your mouth full? Couldn't Robyn have at least swallowed her food before she went off on Little Miss Ashley? As disgusting as it was, it showed an element of realness to the situation because 1. she was eating and 2. she was so mad that couldn't wait to stop digesting her food to start yelling.
Little Miss Ashley wasn't Robyn's only opponent at the lunch, Monique "Four Homes" Samuels also had an issue. She felt insulted that Robyn would talk about her finances again by claiming that she pays fan pages to attack her on social media. Seriously, does Robyn just not know what Instagram is? Monique said it was annoying to have Robyn always talk about how she exuberantly spends money but Bravo rolled the tapes back of Miss Samuels forking out some big bucks just to have her assistant work out with her. After a back and forth and few apologies, Ashley & Monique both made up with Robyn. Everyone left the lunch in high spirits after they all talked out their issues and I thought: is it possible that the entire cast is getting along? Well, obviously it's not because Candiace is coming back to mix it up with the ladies next week. Just when you think there's no drama Bravo always manages to throw a shady side chick into the group and get everyone's weaves flying.
The Real Housewives of Potomac airs Sunday at 10/9c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these Maryland ladies.