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RHONY Recap: Liar Liar Hoe On Fire

Sorry to keep making comparisons to the tragedy that is RHOBH, but this season of New York is wiping the floor with those tired diamond holders. The first four episodes have been more interesting and compelling than the last three seasons of that west coast catastrophe and I am so grateful for the ride that Bravo has in store for us. RHONY is my crack. Much like being Sonja Morgan, if being addicted to this show is wrong, then I don't wanna be right.

Carole's marathon dinner party held by Ramona in an attempt to try and get close to a sexy chef called Kirk was everything I needed it to be and so much more. Leave it to the Singer Stinger to find a subtle way (well, as subtle as Ramona can be) to get some dick while also pretending to care about Carole's boring marathon - that woman never misses an opportunity to find the next guy to ride her Ramona Coaster. I don't think that Ramona even likes having sex, it's all about the chase for her, but she must want him bad because she was even mashing potatoes her latest victim. Call me crazy, but didn't Ramona say at the reunion she was dating someone that she liked a lot? Either that romance fizzled out or Miss Singer is playing it up for the cameras.

The outfits at "Carole's marathon dinner party" were questionable at best. Did they all get a memo from the producers to dress like slutty grandmas on acid? It just didn't make sense. The guest of honour turned up in leather shorts with a tattoo bodied suit underneath which made her look 40 years older than she already is. Miss Radziwill was dressed as if she was an anorexic member of the outlaw motorcycle club. Whoever told her that it was a good look isn't her friend and she needs to burn it immediately. Carole, if you're reading this, go into your kitchen that you don't use and hold that thing over the stove because no one's eyes deserve to see it ever again. I used to like the Carrie Bradshaw wannabe, but her new cool girl high-end fashion persona is just uncomfortable to watch.

The weird fashions didn't stop there. Bethenny looked like a vagina with blue waffles, Luann came dressed as a peacock with her Kardashian cornrows and Sonja stuck to her usual routine of dressing like a washed stripper in her sparkly green top. While all the ladies wore outrageous blouses they all had normal pants on. Like a paraplegic person, the excitement stopped halfway down their bodies. Aside from their strange outfits, the party was filled with a large amount of Sonja Morgan bashing. The delusional Grey Gardens landlord's shit talking ways made her an adversary of the other ladies after she said her divorce was worse than Dorinda's husband dying and claimed that Tinsley's boyfriend pays for her life. Not to play devil's advocate but I'm sort of leaning to Sonja's side.

Yes, Sonja needs to shut the fuck up about her old life and leave it dead and buried in the past - that's a fact of life that we can all agree on. However divorce fucking sucks and although she was definitely playing the role of an Anna Nicole Smith in her marriage, I really do think that she loved that old fart. Of course, divorce isn't the same as death but as Bethenny said, it could be worse considering that the other person is emotionally dead to you but is still physically walking the earth. As for the Tinsley issue, that is just dumb. Either the rich chubby coupon boyfriend or her rich parents fund her lifestyle because being a socialite and a second season Housewife isn't going to pay her $10,000 a month rent, on top of her taste for daily visits to Fifth Avenue. Sonja shouldn't have said either thing about her "friends" but you could tell from the look in her eyes that she is done with all the drama - even though she caused it.

As a result of the table full of beef, Dorinda Meddler got her spoon out and started stirring up the drama between the former roommates. You know how I feel about Mugshot Mortimer and her screechy voice but her line: "Shut your mouth and shut your fucking legs" is one of my new favourite things ever. I have no idea what Sonja's overly pounded vagina has to do with her talking trash about Tinsley but maybe Sonja talks so much that words come out of both her lips? Dorinda or Drunkinda, as I like to call her, called Sonja out for lying about dating Rocco by saying: "liar, liar hoe on fire." Damn these big apple ladies really know how to deliver an epic one-liner - we got two in the space of one dinner party.

Mugshot Mortimer also tried to be extra and write Sonja a check for the gift card that she said she didn't pay for herself, but for all we know that chequebook is funded by the boyfriend or the family - so that doesn't really prove anything. Luckily Bethenny just burnt that motherfucking check and put an end to the entertaining nonsense that is Sonja and Tinsley's beef. Nothing got resolved between the ex-Grey Gardens stars but Sonja did give Dorinda a tearful apology and justification for her ignorant comments.

Speaking of ignorant comments, Lu literally cannot help herself from stepping in shit. I don't think there is anyone that has such a talent to constantly get their foot stuck in a pile of elephant shit with no shoes on. The Countess asked Bethenny's boyfriend-not boyfriend Dennis how the couple met, but forgot the fact that he was the guy she had previously claimed the Skinnygirl was having an affair with. As soon as she was called out for her dumb question you could see Lu's face go "Oooohhh, that's the lie I told." I can't think of a more quinesstenial Luann de Lesseps moment. We all know that Luann is a liar but all you can do is laugh at her idiotic behaviour because she will always shoot herself in the foot but uses her Countess training to pivot and keep the conversation moving. I like my Housewives to be real and geniune but there is something to be said for an image aware, emotionally repressed WASP. Not those are some resilient bitches.

After the juggernaut that was "Carole's marathon dinner party" the ladies went out for brunch the next morning and Sonja was once again exiled to the end of the table to just sit and watch her friends have a conversation whilst she pined from the outskirts. Ramona moved away from the proud townhouse owner because of an aggressive text message she sent her for not sticking up for her. We can dive into the Ramonja beef next week because that's a whole separate issue, but in the interest of human decency wouldn't you at least exchange social pleasantries and make it through one brunch by sitting across from someone you're mad at? Well, this is Ramona Singer we're talking about. Sonja is the drunk aunt that we all know and love but after last week's recap I can't believe that I am siding with the her. What can I say, I love a hot mess.

The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the big apple ladies!