Southern Charm Recap: Californian Drought

After Ronnie Ortiz-Magro delivered us the first half of The Night Of Two Assholes, the second part was brought to us by Thomas Ravenel and the several barley legal girls he's fucked across Charleston.

To compare our two assholes of the night, Thomas "Stick It In" Ravenel is a way bigger pig than Ronnie because he’s been at the game for a much longer time. Ronnie is a lovable moron but Thomas is a trained professional at being a scumbag and is way more cunning and vindictive. Like many of the men on this show, TRav is a sexist pig that's been living a playboy lifestyle for way too long. Even the way he slyly enters the room with his weird charisma, squinty eyes and gross pointing pale fingers freaks me out. Apart from his deep pockets, I can't think of one reason for all these barely legal women to throw themselves at him, maybe TRav is packing it downstairs, but do you really want a dinosaur with a big dick if he has to pop viagra? Thomas irks me and is an example of everything that's wrong with this show and the south. Now that he's joined the #MeToo movement Bravo should definitely fire his baggy knee of a face.

Craig is continuing his transition into an elderly women by picking out new sewing equipment to occupy his time. The fact that Craig is known as "Pillow Man" at the sewing store is hilarious and should probably become his new legal name. I don't know, Pillow Man just has such a nice ring to it. He's still madly in love with Naomie but their approach to having a relationship is completely different, they are both trying to shove a square block into a circle hole. Maybe he wasn't trying to fit something in her circle hole enough and that's the problem? These two just aren't on the same page and they've fallen into such a dysfunctional fighting pattern that nothing can change that.

As a part of Craig's master scheme to win her back, Pillow Man enlisted the help of a life coach who only inflated his ego and made him believe he was even smarter than his lawyer brain previously believed. The whole idea of a life coach sounds pretentious, dumb and like you don't have your shit together which is the opposite of what Craig wants to convince Naomie of. If you need to pay someone thousands of dollars for them to help run your life - that's not an achievement. He also told her his main source of income was "investments" which seems to be what they all say when they try not to break the fourth wall. Naomie's a hard ass bitch and seeing a life coach who blows smoke up his ass for $400 an hour isn't going to convince her to rekindle their relationship, it's just gonna deter her, which I guess it did because she's got a new hot doctor boo. Sorry, Craig!

While Craig sewed pillows and invested in a life coach, Naomie received the bad news that he could possibly be moving onto Peyton. Like any newly single girl who is still head over heels in love with her ex, Naomie saw red and made it her mission to destroy the new girl's opportunistic life. What is it with all these thirsty women from California moving over to Charleston for reality fame, the only explanation is a Californian Drought, as Naomie put it. At the Halloween party, everyone only half dressed up and didn't actually put any commitment into their outfits which was upsetting to see. Austen rocked up as a basic chick magnet, Chelsea was a punk rock lesbian, Craig and Shep were gay pirates, not together, JD was Trump because he decided he wanted to become even more hated, Kathryn was a mermaid and Naomie was the girl from Pulp Fiction even though she was mistaken for Kris Jenner. She should have just cut the wig short and gone as the infamous momager instead of making everyone guess her confusing costume.

The group's pathetic dress up skills aside, the main event of the night was about Naomie's seething hatred towards Peyton even though they'd never met and probably couldn't pick each other out of a lineup, especially considering the Californian import was dressed up like a blue dildo. She should have dressed as a Nordic alien because that bitch looks out of this world. Naomie is my Queen on this show, but obviously, her hatred for Peyton was sparked by insecurity and jealousy due to a pretty new girl potentially coming between her and her ex, why else would you annihilate someone you've only met 3.4 seconds before? Naomie spent the whole party spreading propaganda about the blue dildo turned alien and practising how she was going to confront her. Peyton and Naomie's fight was like something out of a bad early 2000's teen movie with their bitchy insults, where the cheerleader picks on the new girl for accidentally flirting with her quarterback boyfriend, except in this situation they are fighting over an actual grandma who sews and has a life coach. Remember that.

It's extremely fishy that Peyton would just decide to move across the country "to work in a dog boutique" and I'm so happy someone called her out on it, do it to Ashley next! Even if she was moving to Charleston for dogs, why does she have to be on a reality show with her sort-of-ex? Couldn't she just help the dogs off camera? From the moment they met Naomie immediately came for Little Miss Alien and didn't even let her breathe, calling her a thirsty bitch and dissecting everything she knew about her, which wasn't a lot. Yes, Naomie looked like a massive bitch and a mean girl but that was why reality TV was invented and I don't think I've seen such a mean girl fight in a long time, it was so refreshing. Peyton and her alien eyes tried to keep up but Kris Jenner's sharp tongue was too much for her. Here are some quotes from their actual exchange:

N: “Peyton, Why are you here?”

P: “I fell in love with Charleston”

N: “Yeah, because Charleston is such a hub for dog boutiques. Don’t do this to yourself just be honest, if you’re honest like I’m a girls girl”

If someone tells you they are a "girls girl," run for the fucking hills!

P: “You don’t seem like it”

N: “I don’t support you because I see your intentions”

P: “You don’t see shit”

N: “You’re a fucking thirsty bitch. I see straight through you, Peyton”

N: “Omg you’re so thirsty I can’t”

Tell me that isn't dialogue straight out of Mean Girls. Moments after Naomie and her bob wig walked away after successfully quenching the new girl's thirst, confidence and self esteem, the alien left the parties in tears crying about being called disgusting names and being treated like that. Did the bitch not get a memo that this is a reality TV show and your job is to be mean to each other? I'm not sure what the fame whore thought she was signing on for but it's about a lot more than flirting with guys and looking after dogs. Somehow Naomie trying to keep Peyton away from Craig backfired and caused her to have another fight with Pillow Man. Wow, is every episode going to end with an irrational Craig and Naomie blowout?

Southern Charm airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our exclusive tea and shady recaps on the Charleston gang.