Vanderpump Rules Reunion Recap: The Scheana Show
This may have been the best season of any reality TV show ever but after six years the SURvers are still being forced to sit on those hard barstools for their 19 hour day of filming the reunion. You'd think Bravo would reward them with a couch or at least a nice chair? I guess not. RIP to their asses. In a surprise turn of events, Andy decided to skip the awkward hellos probably to avoid the mishegas that could ensue after he forgot to introduce Kristen "Suck A Dick" Doute last year. Katie and Kristen sadly stayed mute for most of this first part and once Lala declared "The bigger the hoops, the better the blowjob" - the reunion was ready to begin!
We learned many things had changed in the SURver's lives since the cameras went down: Stassi and Patrick are no longer together and she replaced the pretentious douchebag with a new guy. The murder obsessed reality star was submissive and meek around him which her friends and fans noticed. Patrick and his man bun always wanted his ego stroked, got pissy when she wouldn't text him and acted like a condescending asshole to her on camera. Stassi cried about wasting time with him but she came out the true winner because the fans and cast members all saw he was a cum stain on the quilt that is life. I'm just happy we don't have to see him on our TV screens again.
Scheana and her new face also had relationship drama off screen when Rob dumped her after the finale to avoid looking like an asshole on TV - too little, too late! While everyone fell asleep, she gave them the unabridged version of her twelve-year relationship with Rob which involved everything from meeting him at a club to making out during the fireworks at Disneyland. Holy fuck, Scheana makes it so easy to hate on her. She claimed he pulled away after the Toca Madera rumour was spread and never came back. Although Rob trashed the show and put Scheana down for it, the rest of the cast spilled the tea to "Sch Shu" that he was on every red carpet talking about the show and trying to hang out with Jax and Lala's man. And there's one answer for that: he's a fame whore.
He probably saw the opportunity to elevate his public image and be known as something else other than Amber Valletta's chubby older brother. By the way, when was the last time you even heard about Amber? His reasoning behind hanging out with Lala's man was most likely in an attempt to crawl up his asshole and get a minor role in one of his movies to revive his acting career. As annoying as Scheana and her headache-inducing voice may be, even she deserves better than someone who ignores her and treats her in the dirty way that we saw him treat her.
Something else that changed in the offseason to everyone's dismay was Jax & Brittany rekindling the cluster fuck that is their relationship. It seems that Jax's dad's surprise death from cancer caused him to want to become a better man and appreciate Brittany's blind devotion toward him. Jax Taylor isn't my favourite person and his behaviour this season was absolutely deplorable but I can't snark on the death of his father. Although it's often uncomfortable and awkward when grown men cry on TV, I really sympathised with Jax in that raw, real moment where you could see the utter pain he was feeling. He also recognised the fact he cheats to get out of relationships, it's one thing to own up to it but it's another to break the cycle. I'd hate to play devil's advocate but I truly think he is trying to change his ways and his father's death is the wake-up call he needed after 38 years of acting like a philandering dirtbag.
While there were some changes, like many reunions things stayed stagnant. Ariana and Sandoval are taking steps toward being more intimate but she still has severe vaginal self-esteem issues and continues to hate her perfect body. Jax denied any and all knowledge of having sex while an elderly woman slept in the adjacent bed even though the house looked like an old woman's house, the White Kanye turned White Ray J continued to refute having a gay affair with his friend Logan and claims to have never taken a dip in the man pond. Are we sure he hasn't taken a swim with his eyes closed while picturing a girls mouth around his dick?
LVP's restaurant with the Tom's has also stayed the same since cameras went down. The geriatric headmistress of the Sexy Unique Resturant continues to hold her expertise over the two inexperienced Tom's heads by referring to them as "junior partners" and not cashing their checks which were written almost a year ago. She also revealed she has no contract with them which as Jax pointed out seems like the first thing you would do when developing a new business relationship. How is Jax making more sense than LVP? It seems she is definitely trying to take advantage of the naive Toms and only wants to make it appear they are apart of the restaurant to market their names for attention but not recognise or acknowledge them as integral parts of the business. It's manipulation at it's finest and may work on her Puppy Schwartz and his messy hair but the resident anime character is buying it.
One last thing that hasn't changed and probably never will, is Scheana's innate ability to make everything about herself. Her conceited attiude and tone deaf voice ruined her friendship with Lala because the only words that come out of her mouth are about herself or Rob. Scheana talks about Scheana more than the Pope talks about being catholic, so it would be hard to have a relationship with her when the only topic of discussion is either her Vegas show, the seven minute man or her latest botox appointment. Can you imagine having to withstand a conversation about anything of those things while listening to her voice? I'm surprised Lala stayed as long as she did.
Scheana's selfish ways were explored further when Jax misdirected his anger towards his narcissistic cast member for not calling and only texting him when his father died. Stassi, Kristen and their friend Rachel, who all despise Jax although they have had him inside of them, even rallied and flew to Michigan to attend his dad's funeral. It's just what you do in times of crisis. If you've known someone for the better half of a decade and are on a reality show them you should absolutely call them when their close relative dies, if not for human decency then just to look nice and supportive on the show. Yes, Jax misdirected the fuck out of his anger but morally speaking Scheana and her fake nails should have taken a break from taking selfies, picked up the phone and at least called to check in on him during his hard time.
She didn't reach out because she's a bitch or was trying to be vindictive, she just doesn't think of others and his dad's death wouldn't have even been a blimp on her Scheana filled radar. Scheana lives in her own reality where the only program on TV is "The Scheana Show," which is not something I would be tuning into. She stormed off the dive bar set while Jax ranted on the stage and her glam squad tried to glue her eyelashes back as she wailed "Why is this harder than my divorce?" Does it get any better than that?
Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!