RHOP Recap: Alcoholic Propaganda
The ladies are still at their weird Scientology-esque retreat and were shocked by last week's bombshell that The Black Bill Gates had asked Karen for a divorce, which Charrisse brought up in front of the table in an effort to save herself from demotion, Karen confirmed he did so "years ago" because she was independent and he wanted her to spend more time at home. Does that story make sense to anyone? Along with her weird almost-divorce story, claiming her parents tried to give her a college degree but she refused it and her bizarre wig choices, Karen Huger's life and lies are just a delusional mess - a delusional mess I love nonetheless.
However, after Karen had the group somewhat believing her spin that The Black Bill Gates request for divorce was old news, she fucked it up by whispering to Gizelle that he had asked her recently for the divorce to try and protect her from all the tax issues. Is this wig pulling too tight on her brain or did not learn anything from her hot mic moment last year? If you want to talk the real shit and not get caught out then pull the microphone off and spill the tea, don't whisper because those Bravo mics pick up EVE-RY-THING. Karen is the herpes of the show: she's the gift that keeps on giving. While she ruined her constructed lie off camera, the other ladies ran around her room on camera trying to look for her spare wig and threw it on Little Miss Ashley, who is also on her way to having a receding hairline. She emerged as Kurn Hugur which no one loved more than Karen herself, who was SCREAMING in a good way. After their messy dinner, it seemed the group turned their night around and were in a better place than ever, which is always a sign that shit is about to get real in the Housewives world.
Surely enough back in Potomac, all the girls reported back to their husbands to fill them in on their trip away. The only thing I hate more than faux claims that women on these shows are alcoholics is when husbands are way too thirsty for camera time and Candiace's man with the brown dick fills that role. Maybe he wants to expand his career of being a general manager of a restaurant? Ashley also told her husband, who has a white penis and we've all seen the receipts, that Monique drank so much she threw up in the bushes on their last night there. It was a girls trip away, I don't blame Monique for getting turned up, I blame the other ladies for not. Accusing your friend of being an alcoholic on TV is a big thing and it's one of the most overused storylines in the Housewives universe. Historically, no one ever really admits to being an actual drunk and the conversation just goes round in circles while the group express faux concern. If she isn't Kim Richards then there's no need for all this BS.
However, Ashley and her afro have bigger fish to fry. The spring chicken is still dealing with trying to cut her mother off due to her husband not wanting to support her and her freeloader boyfriend's life, which is fair enough. Ashley rocked up to her mom's McMansion where Shelia was lit up, I don't know if she loves TV or if she's been borrowing someone of her man's meth from out the back but she was definitely not on planet earth. Shelia and her dilated pupils went from acting like an excited nine-year-old not making sense about anything to screaming about Michael not answering her calls. What the actual fuck was this scene? Clearly, her mom isn't stable and the crazy boyfriend wouldn't be helping things, I just want the producers to make him sign a realise so we can see the type of guy we are dealing with because he seems like Potomac's answer to Brooks Ayers. Let's just hope we don't have another CancerGate, or maybe hope we do because that was a juicy time. In the end, Shelia threw a little shade by telling Ashley to report back to her husband and nothing really got resolved. This is such a messy situation and I think Shelia and her baseball cap are going to be the loser in the end.
Finally, Karen decided to launch her own fragrance line with an unknown money source to pay her growing debt. In order to start her perfume, she asked some old white women to host a dinner and give her friends tester perfumes to smell. I guess? I don't know, honestly, nothing the Grand Dame Deficit does makes sense to me but she was made to be on reality TV. Her new fragrance line will probably be sold at the same store as the She by Sheree joggers. The Potomac girls and their weaves arrived at the dinner and there was A LOT of titty on display, almost too much for Karen's old white friend and her assistant (?!) Matt's liking. Matt is her, well we don't what he is, but he looks like an 8-year-old with a beard and magically appears at all her events. Maybe he's secretly infiltrating her life as a spy for the IRS, I don't know but she keeps pushing him on us and like fetch, Matt is never going to happen.
Naturally, Gizelle and Robyn had to shit on all the tester smells and throw shade which they would be mad about if it were thrown at them. The Green Eyed Bandits bother me because they sit back and ooze negativity in every scene they are in but act hurt and shocked when someone redirects the same shade at them, also, what has Gizelle contributed to the show this season aside from look like a penis? All we've seen Miss Green Eyes do is brag about her boyfriend's huge BBC, promote her makeup company and now instigate drama between the other ladies. Monique sat down at the dinner and was evidently salty at Ashley for continuing to spread alcoholic propaganda, she shared to Gizelle that she wanted to talk to ASHLEY in private about the matter but of course, the light-skinned Housewife brought it up as soon as Ashley sat down. That's a bitch move right there and well deserving of a wig shift.
After Gizelle's instigation, the table erupted into a fight where Little Miss Ashley doubled down on her comments claiming Monique was drunk on the bus who responded with throwing allowance shade and calling the entire group bottom behind tricks for expressing their fake concern. What the fuck is a bottom behind trick? The only angering thing about the entire issue is how the group, and Robyn especially, pretend they care about her wellbeing but just want to subtly shade and defame their cast member. Karen screamed at all the ladies for fighting in front of her respectable white friend and kicked them out onto the street where the fighting only continued. Who doesn't love a Housewives fight on the middle of the street? It's taking me back to the NeNe-Kim-Sheree days.
Ashley and Monique started going at it again when suddenly Robyn got herself involved in the drama? What the fuck? How does she just appear and start beefing with people? I don't understand it, but sure enough, she got in Monique's face who proceeded to do the only logical thing a person would do and threatened to choke her out with an umbrella while Karen screamed for security. This mess is fucking hilarious but practically it would be hard to choke someone with your umbrella. Just for next time Monique, hook her in the neck with the curved end and drag her up and down the street. Someone needs to do it. If people thought you were a drunk before, imagine what they'll think after you choke someone with your umbrella? But if you're gonna choke her, make it worth the mugshot.
The Real Housewives of Potomac airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these Maryland ladies.