RHONY Recap: Jill Zarin 2.0
We are not worthy of the gift that is RHONY. So much happened on tonight's episode, almost too much. Normally a Housewife's arrest would be the only thing required to elevate an episode to iconic status but in this case, it was only one of the factors that made this episode one of the best ever in the entire Housewives franchise. Yep, that's a big sweeping statement but we had the Berkshires, fights, drinking, bitching behind people's backs and police footage. With all those things how can it not be an amazing episode of reality television?
Bethenny and Carole are still fighting about their strained friendship and B was still using her gaslighting ways to try and guide the conversation in her direction. They were both in different places over the summer, Skinnygirl was doing her charity while Wannabe Carrie Bradshaw took selfies with Tinsley, and Bethenny was obviously mad about the whole Adam thing, but I just feel like there's more to this issue. I'm still confused what they are fighting about but you can literally see the pain in both of their eyes and as Carole was trying to argue her point Bethenny tried to shut it down at every turn because she obviously doesn't want another Jill Zarin style conflict on her hands. Like all the conversations with Carole, this one turned back around to the marathon and how Bethenny was texting her during it to say that Luann is a loser. I'm so confused. On a number of levels:
1. What does Luann being a loser have to do with Carole running a marathon?
2. Why is she Carole bringing it up?
3. And why the fuck would you be texting someone as they are running a marathon?
A very drunk Countess proclaimed that the rest of the world sucks if she is a loser, then got offended and two seconds later forgot about the whole thing. That was kind of the cycle for her last marriage: drinking, making huge statements, getting offended and then pretending the whole thing didn't happen. Of course, Bethenny started screaming at Carole for making their private conversation public but you're on a reality show and you've probably said worse things about Luann in one confessional sitting, so who gives a fuck what Carole has to say. Speaking of, after six seasons as a Housewife it seems like she is finally playing ball with her fighting and bitchy tweets. Good on you Carole but it's three hairstyles and five years too late.
The two former besties continued to discuss their strained relationship as Bethenny sat in an elf onesie claiming that Carole was more focused on youth, selfies and Tinsley this summer but if you follow Bethenny Frankel's Instagram you'd know that no one takes more selfies and Instagram stories than that woman. She's like that bitchy ironic mean girl in high school who's too cool for school and shits on everyone for using a cute Snapchat dog filter but will then hypocritically do the exact same thing. I think the two resolved their beef, I don't know, I was too distracted by the juxtaposition of the rest of the group smashing their faces into cakes, getting severely drunk, dry humping each other and rolling around on the floor. Do I need to remind you that it was only 9.20pm?
Following their first night of actual fun in the Berkshires (ever) the group got the fuck out of Blue Stone Manor and hightailed it back to New York. Does Bethenny's driver Kevin just sleep in the car because he was there ready and waiting to go in the morning? Back in the city, in the most compelling scene of the entire episode, Sonja filled her builders in on the repairs she needs to be done at the Townhouse from the wet ceilings, broken stairs to the broken sink in the staff room that she fucked on top of back in 2008. That sentence alone is why Sonja is the most entertaining Housewife, maybe ever. You can tell she's exactly like that in real life and she really does deserve her own 90s sitcom as the loveable drunk aunt who flirts with the help, stumbles into walls, provides commentary while cleaning her house and talks endlessly about her old life. Maybe she can replace Rosanne? As much as I could talk about the practicality of Sonja having sex on top of a sink in her staff room and not in one of the actual bedrooms in her house, we have to move on because there was way too much that went on in this episode.
Bethenny threw her annual Christmas party just to shit on all her co-stars in the process. Last episode Bethenny basically told Dorinda to call her contacts and try to find a specialised lifesize nutcracker for Brynne for a Christmas present and surely enough, the resident slurrer delivered and presented it to everyone at the party. Bethenny started jumping up and down screaming but managed to not thank Dorinda in the process. She could have just given her a hug and thank you, but it just shows she's a grabber: like what she's always accusing Ramona of being. And what does a 7-year-old want with a 5 feet tall Christmas ornament? She can't play with it or anything so what's she gonna do, look at her expensive Christmas present for 30 days of the year? And I bet that Bethenny didn't even have to pay for the fucking Nutcracker anyway. The Skinnygirl's obnoxious behaviour only got more evident during the party when she declared that Ramona was giving an infomercial when mentioning her upcoming skin line and by telling the group that Carole is sad. Isn't every single episode of this show an infomercial for Skinnygirl, which is always "coincidentally" displayed in the background, and isn't Bethenny always the one crying? That was at that moment when I realised that Bethenny Frankel has officially turned into everything she's always hated: season three Jill Zarin.
Since her return, she's obviously held the place as Queen B on the show and the entire cast has somewhat been in her asshole. Whenever someone didn't agree with something she said or came at her, she'd exile them (see: Sonja season eight, Ramona season nine.) On top of that, she took her unfiltered zero fucks attitude and just used it to be mean to everyone in the group but if one ounce of her snarky comments where directed back at her she'd proclaim her catchphrase "I've got to go" and talk about how she's always being attacked (again, see: Ramona all of last season.) You can literally see the superior attitude on her face and it's not funny anymore, it's mean, it's calculated and it's so unlikeable which is exactly what happened with Jill - she got way too big for her Bravo boots. Bethenny is acting like Marie Antionette by shitting on all the peasants below her but there was a little thing called the French revolution where they cut that bitch's head off, and if B continues on the road she's going her head is going to be rolling around in Housewives Hell with Jill, Kim Zolciak and the old Camille.
The group came together for a blood drive, even though none of them could actually give blood because they were in Mexico under a year ago - someone didn't do their research, so they just sat around and talked shit about Bethenny's bitchy ways and how she always picks on almost every member of their group. The tides are truly turning. Even after the message was carried back to Jill 2.0 she called Ramona who took her Singer Stinger out of retirement on a street corner and reiterated what everyone else was thinking and what I've said for this entire recap. At the end of the day, Bethenny makes fun of everyone in her sarcastic nasal voice but then expects love and support in return. It doesn't work like that. I didn't know there would be a day where I would agree with everything Ramona says but Bethenny jumping the shark will do that to someone.
Finally, this packed episode ended with the moment we've all been waiting for: Luann de Lesseps' Christmas Eve arrest. In what was possibly the best montage in television history we saw through the hazy police dash cam footage, her drunkenly threaten to kill a police officer and be arrested, while her infamous mugshot was flashed onto the screen and she appeared in court the next morning, still drunk in her flower dress and vomit on her breath. Although we had already seen her arrest tape, mugshot and court appearance on the internet it feels way more important and scandalous on reality TV with dramatic music in the background and a TO BE CONTINUED cliffhanger. In the last year, we've suffered through multiple boring Housewives seasons and New York is our gift for staying committed.
The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the big apple ladies!