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RHONY Recap: Misdemeanour Mortimer

The fact that Luann is officially in rehab during the production of this show and she still managed to hold onto her golden apple is pretty baller. Luann's arrest and subsequent Betty Ford excursion are landmark Housewives events and will go down in history along with CancerGate, the #FreeTre movement, Phaedra being exposed and Aviva's leg being flung across a crowded midtown restaurant. We are living in Lu's renaissance and we should all consider ourselves lucky to witness such a historic time in pop culture. If any other of these ladies threatened to kill a cop after being escorted out of a hotel for having sex in a room that wasn't their's, I don't know if it would have been as iconic. The fact that it was the Countess, in Palm Beach, months after her divorce was the perfect storm and possibly only Sonja or Dorinda could have been equally as hilarious if it was them in cell block 5 on Christmas Eve morning.

Once Page Six leaked the news and the ladies returned to filming two weeks after the incident, it was all they could talk about. It would be one thing if Lu got arrested for a DUI or a cute misdemeanour like Tinsley, but the fact she assaulted and threatened to kill a police officer AND slipped out of her cuffs all due to her wanting to get drunkenly laid makes it an even bigger thing to talk about. Of all the ladies, Carole was definitely the one who was happiest with this tea. As the wannabe Carrie Bradshaw went through the group with glee to discuss the scandal, you could almost see the cum drip down her skinny leg because her frenemie had a terrible night. Tinsley was just as excited to have another member of the squad join the Mugshot Club but she used her expert knowledge and experience in Palm Beach handcuffs to commend Lu on pulling a Houdini but she also looked down her nose at her because she was charged with four felonies whereas the socialite only had a misdemeanour. Maybe if Tinsley had gotten a couple more charges laid against her then she'd be more of a staple on this show and not just Carole's screechy sidekick.

In Luann's only appearance in the episode through a telephone call with Dorinda, she spilled the tea about her news in order to get paid for that episode of the season. I assumed that rehab was like Jersey Shore and you had to check your phone at the door for a month when you enter, but I guess if you stay at a boughy Martha Stewart facility you can do whatever the fuck you want. The Countess was busy "reconnecting with her soul" and was more self-aware than she had been before the arrest which was obviously caused from her attending the exact same places she had once been with Tom a year prior. That would have been challenging for even the strongest woman, which is Luann because we saw her slip out of those handcuffs. I still can't get over how she just slipped right out without any butter or lube needed.

While the group obsessed over Luann's Palm Beach festivities, Sonja went through her mail and tried to organise her life inside the plastic surroundings of her bed like she was the Bubble Boy. Sonja Morgan's townhouse scenes are the best and while I love seeing her mildly sexually harass the contractors and gay photographers who brave the Grey Gardens complex I don't want her to move. The townhouse and it's dusty ambience is apart of Lady Morgan's genetic makeup at this point and the complete lack of self-awareness that she possesses is legendary. Her living conditions are on her loop, along with her ten-year-old divorce and getting her daughter into an ivy league school and her routine just wouldn't be the same without referencing the Townhouse. I just don't understand anyone who doesn't love Sonja, she really isn't hurting anyone, she just paces around her house, drinks like the world is running out of vodka, flirts with young guys before they turn old enough to take the SATs and eats shellfish as a vegan. I could watch Sonja wait in the line at Walmart or take her poodle for a walk around the block and she'd still be more entertaining than the last three seasons of RHOBH. She isn't the protagonist of this show but she's a good dressing to the RHONY salad. Her tagline "If being Sonja is so wrong, why does it feel so right" could never be more accurate.

Speaking of STAM (I still have no idea what the A stands for on those monogrammed towels) due to the construction in her house and need for a storyline, she decided to move into Tinsley's hotel room because history always repeats itself. I don't know what was stranger: Misdemeanour Mortimer's hair in cornrows, her renting Sonja the penthouse or her buying her Louis Vuitton luggage. Tinsley was obviously trying to make Sonja realise she was grateful for letting her stay in the townhouse but she is stupid if she couldn't see that Sonja will eventually turn the gifts around and claim they came from coupon money. Tinsley's entire RHONY salary probably pays as much as that Louis V bag cost, so she definitely had to dip into her trust fund or give Scott a couple more blowjobs to give her friend the nice gift.

Bethenny is kind of at a crossroads with the majority of this group. Dorinda is mad at her for the Nutcracker mishegas, she's obviously at odds with Carrie Bradshaw and Ramona is pissed that she accused her of having an infomercial when next thing we know Bethenny had the launch party of her Skinnygirl jeans. And Ramona is the one who had an infomercial? No one loves subliminal advertising more than Bethenny who in every scene she's ever present in plasters the walls with Skinny girl paraphernalia to a sad extent. At this point I couldn't care less about her brand, yes it was an innovative idea in the beginning but now the cash cow has just gone too far. She can't be that struggling that she needs her branding in every single shot and I'm not even sure if that would be a marketable strategy because the same people who watch the show every week are either going to buy the products are not. I'm formally of the staunch Bethenny Apologist stance and I'm kind of shocked that Carole Radziwill of all people convinced me otherwise. Who the fuck would have known?

Skinnygirl and the resident Writer girl (RIP Aviva) sat down to discuss their fractured relationship and I've never been more confused. I'm not even 100% sure what the divide is over. Adam? Maybe? There were obviously some pent-up feelings waiting to come out on both ends and even the smallest crack in their friendship let all those feelings seep out into a big puddle of snarky Twitter exchanges and shitty confessional comments. They talked about their beef for ages and didn't seem to actually get anywhere. I think Carole saw that Dorinda & Ramona were also mad at Bethenny and didn't actually want to get over the beef, you could see that on her face for the entire dinner and in her confessionals. This beef has made her more relevant than she's ever been before on the show and it helped her finally pull an Alex McCord and "find her voice," so it's in her best interests to prolong their feud for as long as humanly possible.

Carole actually made some good points and held B accountable for her actions which made Miss Skinnygirl call her critical, accused her of picking on everything and trying to debate her. Wasn't that what Bethenny was doing in the Berkshires and every fight she's ever been in her decade-long reality TV career? And she called Carole critical?! No one, with the exception of a Jewish mother, is more critical than Bethenny Fucking Frankel. NO ONE. You could see the fear in Bethenny's eyes that she wasn't in a good place with Carole and she was genuinely hurt because she obviously confided a lot in that girl and was scared she has more to pull out of her hat of tricks that are lot more damaging than her calling Lu a loser. Just like it's in Carole's best interests to keep the beef going, it's in Bethenny's to squash it. The tides are turning for Bethenny so she hugged Carole (reluctantly) and tried to put their beef behind them. If you've read either of their blogs or even glanced at their Twitter feeds you'd see that this beef is far from over, but I'll play along for now.

The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the big apple ladies!