RHOP Recap: Messy Tricks
While no confrontational drama happened in this episode it was full of seedy, underhanded mess, which some may argue is actually better than the explosive action itself. Sherman's ex-wife Kyndall made her first appearance on the show, which is beyond messy, it's the equivalent of the whole production team and cast giving a huge "Fuck you" to Gizelle and I loved it. There's nothing better than some obviously contrived reality TV mess designed to subtly shade your enemy.
Monique decided to be messy and invite Sherman's ex-wife Kyndall around to film while they walked their dogs in workout clothes, with blowouts and a full face of makeup. Um. That's natural. Although Mo wasn't full-blown messy, there were little ounces of untidiness at the fact she would film a scene with another cast member's ex-boyfriend's ex-wife who had previously told her about the husband's park after dark fun. She didn't invite her to any parties but the fact that they were doing laps of Potomac with a reality TV crew in their faces said all that needed to be said. However, Kyndall does fit into the pre-Housewives Potomac charity event era. She's in several close up-cropped photos with the other ladies and knew them socially before the show. My hypothesis is she was either approached or wanted to do the show for season one and was denied, so this her in - and it's a good in. Whether she ends up with a peach or whatever they hold in Maryland is unknown but there's nothing I love more than a bitch who's ready to take down another reality star to get her come up.
After their walk, Monique decided to invite the shady new cast member to her event. Monique's event had boughy rich people food with ball gowns and champagne, while Robyn's duelling juxtaposed empowerment party had cheap food and a less successful ambience - but I'm not mad. Events cost a lot of money, something we know Robyn isn't swimming in so if her simple empowerment lunch wasn't as boughy as Monique's Washington event than so be it. Women empowerment events on the Real Housewives are an oxymoron. You're teaching other women to bring each other up and celebrate the power of the pussy, yet you call each other bitchy names in your confessionals, choke one another with umbrellas and tweet nasty things to each other, these are all past times I've been obsessed with but they definitely don't empower other women.
Robyn's event would have been great if she didn't spend the whole time talking about the women who weren't there. Charrisse didn't come because she RSVP'd to Monique's first. That's fair, you can't argue about that, but Karen didn't come because she wanted a free meal and a chance to wear her fancy wig. That's not fair to miss Robyn's event but it's perfectly on brand for Grand Dame Deficit. Why didn't Miss Dixon focus on the ladies who could come instead of the ones who didn't? The resident linebacker is constantly dwelling on the negatives and permanently looks like she just ate a mouthful of sour patch kids. Ugh. She's just the epitome of "meh" and even though she makes good points I get bored as she's talking and just tune out.
The majority of this episode was filled with scenes of the spring chickens of the show and their older husbands. How many languages can I say "I don't care about Candiace's wedding" in before Bravo gets the message? The cheerleader was a good addition to the show in the beginning but she's kind of grown into a redundant position and acts way too much for the cameras, if it wasn't for her white fiance's brown dick she would have zero points in my Housewives scoring book. She wants over 400 people at her wedding with a ceiling full of flowers. Seriously, stop trying to be extra and spoilt because it's not a good look. These two should just elope in Hawaii somewhere to eliminate the planning stress and so the rest of Chris' body can catch up with his penis' tan, but if they did that Candiace would be out of a storyline. She's trying to play the role of a bridezilla but it just seems so phony and fake that I just don't believe it and Brown Dick obviously does not want to be married. He'd be happy with going to the courthouse and then picking up some chicken from his restaurant after with his 20% staff discount because we all know his accounts are drained.
Ashley and her white husband Michael went out for dinner to discuss their future with children but they got nowhere. The sugar daddy in the situation who already has his own kids doesn't want to have any more with Ashley because he doesn't like how her mom raised her and thinks she will do the same thing. Yes, Little Miss Messy's mom abandoned her every chance she got whenever she found a new dick to jump on, but why would Ashley be like that? Obviously, Ashley doesn't like her upbringing and would give her kids the childhood that she didn't have, so that is just a bad excuse on Michael's end. Obviously, a man who is pushing sixty doesn't want to have a newborn running around his penthouse and wants to quickly drift away and retire. I get that, no one wants to in a wheelchair at school drop off or have to leave a recital early to change their colostomy bag but he tricked her into marrying him by agreeing to have kids and the longer the marriage goes on, the older Ashley's eggs will become. FACTS. Ashley, listen to me, to what I always say: go off the pill, don't tell Michael and then go "Oops I must have missed a day." You are in your prime to have a baby and if Michael doesn't want one then it just means that you'll probably get sole custody and a shit tonne of child support. LOCK IT DOWN because you'll regret it if you don't. No one wants to be pushing 50 and trying to scramble for your last good egg. Kenya Moore.
We ended with Karen's shady event for Alzheimer's. Yes, it's a horrible disease but the funds probably, maybe, not likely ended up in the Alzheimer's charity's pocket. Karen asked the guests to write their donations to HER COMPANY so that she could then donate the funds herself. Not only would that give her a tax write off, which she needs, but it also suggests that the money may just go directly to Karen, which she also needs. Everything she does seems to be a confusing mess and always has some kind of scandal attached to it, which is why I love and marvel at the wig-wearing eighth wonder of the world. Charrisse also brought her new boy toy along to the event which just shows she is falling perfectly into the Housewives cycle which includes: get a divorce, get demoted, get a younger guy. See: Camille Grammer, Porsha Williams, Luann De Lesseps, Jeana Keough.
Karen also invited Kyndall (Sherman's ex-wife) to her event which was shade in it's highest degree, even though she previously declared that she wanted no drama at the event. Naturally, Robyn was mad at Karen for ditching her event and lying about it, while Gizelle was mad at her for inviting her ex's ex to her function. Morally, I am on the Green Eyed Bandits side because the Grand Dame Deficit lied and played shady games behind their backs but theatrically I'm on Karen's side because she is driving this show and I am here for it.
The Real Housewives of Potomac airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these Maryland ladies.