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Southern Charm Recap: Groundhog Day

Kathryn was the original town bike of Charleston. I love her and she's the undisputed star of this southern show but nearly all the male cast members got a ride of her in the first season and that's facts not shade. After having two children out of wedlock with the resident creep and alleged rapist of the show, it seems like Kathryn may have set her sights on one of her former conquests. She's honest about her past and that's why I love her.

Shep Rose who has been diagnosed with a severe form of Peter Pan Syndrome confessed in this episode that he liked his time with Kathryn and thinks he let her go away too soon while they bowled together. In the same breath of air, the redhead also showed affection for Shep and flirted with the idea of being with him in a relationship after she admitted they have not only hooked up once but several times during the course of the show. How does that information just slip their minds after five years? How didn't we know? How did their sexcapades not get leaked? Well done to those two because that is a real effort to keep such a juicy scandal a secret for years on their reality show. What other secrets are they hiding from us? I don't know if either one is serious about wanting a relationship but the producers and editors in the Haymaker editing bay definitely wanted us to think that was a possibility.

Kathryn and Shep wouldn't even work as a couple. A fuck buddy? Yes. A committed partner? No. The Creepy Cunt Club member hasn't had a relationship since he was 23 and he drinks all day every day, so there's no way the almost 40-year-old could trade his bachelor lifestyle in to be with a sober single mom with two children. No way. The last time Shep was sober was during that weird fitness cleanse last year after he realised he couldn't run up and down a basketball court. If that isn't a sign that you're turning into an old alcoholic then I don't know what is. And he was WAY too comfortable dropping his pants to put his knee brace on in a public setting such as a bowling alley. Shep is definitely a sloppy lay because he's drunk 98% of the time. He was cute a few years ago but now his face is starting to drop and he's slowly turning into a Mini Thomas Ravenel, which is not a compliment in the slightest.

Cameran was home after her birth and she's officially lost me as a fan. I don't understand her place on the show, why she's relevant and why she's needed amongst this group. What the fuck does she do? Yes, she just had a baby, mazel for that, but all she's done for 11 episodes now is sit inside her house, eat Cheetos and complain about her baby which has been her storyline for the entire season. She admitted that two nights after her daughter was born she was sobbing to her husband and questioning why she ruined her life - and probably her vagina. Cam wasn't sold on having a baby before she got pregnant, she wasn't sold during her pregnancy and it seems like she has sort of come around to the idea after giving birth but she's definitely not any closer to closing escrow. I like her but she doesn't have the makings to be a reality TV star, she's never even fought with someone on the show and she's always seemed over and inconvenienced by the drama the show creates. If she doesn't like it then she should stay home and breastfeed that baby without Bravo present.

While two of the cast were flirting very heavily and Cameran was complaining about having a baby, Austen was throwing a party to celebrate the development of his own beer. Apart of Chelsea's job as a hairdresser, Austen's beer has been the only thing close to a real job in this group for a long time and all he had to do was a pay a factory to do it for him, but I'm not here to shit on Austen. After we discovered Craig was a compulsive liar and has officially resorted to life as a seamstress living in his coke den of a house Austen has been the only male cast member who I actually saw potential in to actually contribute to society and while he isn't as successful as he would've been if he kept his old job, he's making steps in the right direction. Don't you just wanna squeeze his face?

At his beer party, not a lot happened. Everyone failed to come up with a name for the beer itself, Craig thought it tasted like wood (maybe that was just the aftertaste of Sean's dick), Shep flirted with Kathryn and Trashley turned up to be her cunty self. We didn't get much Trashley this week which was a good thing because I can only take that bitch in small schizophrenic doses. Someone asked if she was going to talk to Kathryn and she channelled her inner Mariah Carey by saying "Who?" and when the Creepy Cunt Club started laughing you could see she thought she was the God's gift to Charleston, in that moment by repeating the old generic line. Trashley's not cool. Trashley's not smart. Trashley is just a whore from Santa Barbara who wanted to ride a geriatric dick for a reality TV starring role and an allowance, which is stupid because if she saw the way T-Rat treated Kathryn financially she would never have picked this old fart to start "dating". After her Mariah Carey moment, she ranted to Craig who would have rather gouge his eyes out and swallow them like he does Sean's cum than listen to Trashley ramble on for an eternity about Kathryn. UGH. The only thing worse than seeing the resident trash bag was hearing J.D. rock up with his fake voice and puffy red checks. He's like the vomit that gets stuck between your teeth and you have to rinse and floss real hard to get rid of it.

Also during the party, we once again visited the stupid love triangle between Austen, Victoria and Chelsea. Am I the only one who literally could not care less? I've said it in heaps of my recaps but in case you're new I'll saying it for the 500th time: Austen and Chelsea are the Ross and Rachel of this show, they are meant to be together and Victoria is just the annoying Emily of it all. Dumb bitch. Even Austen's relatable girlfriend, who's just a girl that's his friend, could see that he's not meant to be with Victoria. She decided to be cold to Chelsea for the entire event when finally she pulled her to the side and the two discussed that stupid fucking Instastory from the boat. FUCK ME DEAD. I'm going to jump into ongoing traffic if I have to see and hear about that dumb photo ever again. It's like groundhog day with this Blake Lively wannabe. The photo meant nothing but they are friends who still love each other so their affection for each other comes out in small ways. Between Chelsea, Peyton and Ashley I'm fucking sick of all these random thirsty girlfriends coming into it, Sean's the only girlfriend I can get behind, which is coincidentally what Craig does.

Southern Charm airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our exclusive tea and shady recaps on the Charleston gang.

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