RHOP Recap: Brown Dick Dump
The climax of Gizelle and her monotone sidekick Robyn arriving at Karen's event planning to cause some drama was slowly crushed when the Grand Dame Deficit swiftly kicked them out when she realised there would be some drama attached to their arrival. Kicking someone out of your event is as Karen Huger as having a bad wig and a messy lie associated with every explanation, which is why the resident tax evader is my favourite of the Potomac bunch, even if I am blocked on Twitter.
Even in her own Alzheimer's event held by gay royalty Carson Kressley, Karen had to have some kind of confusing scandal attached to the event by asking her guests to make their checks out to her company and not the Alzheimer's charity so that she could then take the checks and donate them herself. Ummm. Does that make sense in anyone else's minds or is that wonky wig squeezing her head a bit too tight? Either she was looking for her own tax write off or she was looking to add some of her friend's money to her own bank account to fund her new perfume line. Whatever her motive was - it was messy. Karen has zero self-awareness or any shame because if you've gone three seasons on reality TV making shit up and lying out of your wig then she must be believing her own bullshit by this point because if Karen wouldn't even reveal how much she raised for the charity, even after she tallied up all their checks, then their money definitely went to funding her wig collection and not to help those with Alzheimer's. We see you Miss Huger, and even though I have Bugs Bunny 20/20 vision, I'm not mad at her. Delusional and Karen go hand in hand and Potomac wouldn't be Potomac without the Great Falls injection.
Aside from her messy event nothing much really happened. The Green Eyed Bandits are still running around with their propaganda for Karen and Monique, and even though lots of their facts are true and I morally agree with everything they are saying, I just cannot let himself support two girls that are so boring and hypocritical. Sorry bandits! They've officially converted Little Miss Messy Ashley over to their stale team because like a chipmunk she's crawled all the way up their asses and is storing nuts for the winter. Speaking of the spring chicken, her eggs are going to scramble if she stays with her kangaroo of a husband. Michael said he wouldn't have children with her because of the way her mother neglectfully raised her which is the worst excuse I've ever heard for not wanting to procreate next to liking the feel of condoms. If Ashley was raised that way wouldn't she want to parent her child differently? Her Uncle Lump, Candiace and everyone with an IQ above 30 could see that Michael doesn't want to have kids and came up with a lame excuse to appease Ashley. He's nearly 60, do you really think he wants a toddler running around, shitting everywhere and crying all night long? No, Michael wants a young mixed person (we've seen those Grindr receipts) to suck his dick and be his trophy, person.
Miss Messy needs to run for the hills if she wants kids because unless she starts poking holes in condoms and going off her birth control she's never going to have an Aussie baby up inside her, but for all we know Michael probably got a vasectomy to stop that from happening anyway. She's still young enough to start again and be a young mom but she needs to leave now because if she stays any longer those eggs are going to dry up and all she's going to have is dust coming out of those ovaries. These are facts people. Yes, God bless Janet Jackson for popping a child out at 50 but not everybody wants to be almost 70 when your child is graduating from high school. It's so sad to watch and I'm actually worried not just for her baby-making skills but also for her mental health because she couldn't even see his manipulation and BELIEVED his dumb reason for not having children. Lucky Uncle Lump gave her a talking to.
Another issue amongst this group is Robyn's anger towards Charrisse for attending Monique's event instead of hers. I am going to save my head and join a monastery if I have to hear this dumb fight again. Charrisse committed to Monique first so it's only fair that she attended hers, Robyn should understand this because she's also mad at Karen for committing to her first and then ditching her for Monique's boughy gala. She can't have it both ways, either Robyn believes you should stick to your commitments or that you should ditch an event for your friend, like always she's speaking out both sides of her linebacker mouth and I am not here for it. After she resolved her beef with the nasal speaking friend of the show, she then used traditional reality TV manipulation methods to try and get inside her brain and persuade her that Monique is using her for her Potomac friends. Ugh. Who gives a shit? Charrisse is popping off and being pissy at anyone she can because she needs as many storylines as possible to be relevant because she is at the bottom of the totem pole as the demoted cast member, even Candiace and her dumb wedding are above Charrisse.
After the seeds were successfully sown into her weave, the ladies attended some black convention that I've never heard of but I'm sure is a huge deal. Maybe. Aside from them all trying to promote their side hustles the major issue was Monique, Karen and her receding hairline walking right into the event, avoiding Gizelle's booth and then lying about not seeing it. Karen is almost training Monique into her lying Grand Dame ways which is a beautiful Housewives learning moment. These ladies are all at an impasse. They all don't like each other obviously and now there are two sides emerging: The Green-Eyed Bandits with their chipmunk on one, and Karen and Monique on the other, with Bridezilla and the friend bouncing around between the two. This is a phenomenal season but I don't see any of these friendships being mended because I don't think these women have two fucks left to give about their damaged relationships.
Speaking of damaged relationships, the episode ended with possibly the dumbest Housewife-Househusband fight I've ever seen. Brown Dick was holding Candiace's stuff when she asked him to call her an Uber. He couldn't reach the phone and hold her stuff at the same time so he asked her to hold it and when she refused to he called her a spoiled diva princess in his wannabe urban voice. This dumb beef resulted in her sending him a pissy text message, taking off her engagement ring and crying in the mirror. I don't know if there has ever been a more scripted and rehearsed fight but not from Bravo's perspective, from Candiace's. She is trying way too hard for the show and being way too extra so this latest stunt is just a ploy for more airtime. I mean who takes off their ring after being called spoiled when your mom pays for you to live and you want a $100K wedding? Wouldn't being a spoiled diva princess become apart of your Instagram bio if you were that looked after? GIRL BYE!
The Real Housewives of Potomac airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these Maryland ladies.