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RHONY Recap: Tom, Dick & Harry

The dinner in this episode was one of the finest in New York's history. Not because a leg or glassware was thrown but because it just showed the fiery and honest dynamic of the group which in any other franchise would have caused them to talk about it for weeks and cause a massive rift but for these Big Apple bitches it was just another dinner with a discussion. New York is the best city in the entire franchise and no one can doubt that. Nothing else even comes close to the sheer genius and magic that is this instalment and we haven't even gotten to the insane Columbia trip where on top of nearly dying on a boat, Ramona's stuck in an elevator, in a wheelchair and everyone fights the entire time. With all the horrible shit going on in the world, The Real Housewives of New York is our one safe place and I'm beyond thankful for that. This one season more than makes up for the previous year of almost every other city's shitty performance.

Let's just start with their dinner at that weird Shining-esque resort. How does Bravo find these weird retreat places and are Real Housewives the only people that actually attend? Every season of every franchise the ladies always manage to find a boughy spa 40 minutes away to unwind from all the drama in the group but just end up creating more drama for themselves. It's a Housewives stable and I'm pretty sure that these retreats only operate for this string of middle-aged drunk women because who else would just out of the blue go there? The dinner literally had every important storyline of the episode incorporated into it. Just when the drama was winding down someone else had a new bone to pick. The first controversy discussed was Tinsley and her weird tendency to try on wedding dresses with her mom - even though she's not engaged. The storyline was dumb enough when it took up 40 minutes of the hour in the episode it was in but it's even worse that it's being rehashed weeks later. At first when I watched the scene it seemed like a total Lost Footage moment, however, I realised that the producers left it in the show to establish that Mugshot Mortimer is fucking nuts and because everyone else created drama out of it.

Bethenny claimed to believe Tinsley was engaged because she bought her wedding dress from the same place that she was trying them on and the people contacted her to tell her about it. Is that normal? Do divorced brides still keep in close contact with the store they purchased their dress in? That's almost weirder than Tinsley's dumb stunt. Even though I've been having trouble with Bethenny lately she was totally joking when she made the coffin joke but for some reason, Tinsley got offended. It's not a normal thing to try on dresses if there isn't a wedding in your future, so why doesn't she just start trying out coffins if she's preparing for the future? She should have just laughed it off but instead, she got mad about the dumb comment while everyone cackled at her expense. The wedding dress saga segwayed perfectly into Dorinda & Sonja's weird family crest feud. I love Dorinda and her slurring ways but she treats Sonja the way Bethenny treats Ramona. They both identify them as morons and take any chance they can to exert their dominance over them because it's an easy target to make themselves feel better. But poor Sonja. If she wants to live in her old life and walk around with a deer on her foot then let it fucking happen.

Suddenly, as Dorinda was being an asshole about the footwear Sonja got up and started screaming like a banshee. At first, I thought she was laughing about it because she had a smirk the size of Lu's feet on her face but then I realised that she was serious. Good for Sonja. Obviously, Bethenny's Skinnygirl influence has been rubbing off on Little Miss Toaster Oven because normally when she's attacked by Dorinda she sits there with an embarrassed look on her face like she wants to cry, but not this time. Both parties started screaming at each other in a restaurant of about four people at the top of their lungs about... Sonja's shoes? I love both girls but there's just something about Sonja that makes me want to hold her tight like a mama bear but also get drunk and have sloppy sex with her and you can't say that about most people. After the initial mishegas, Dorinda apologised and told Sonja that she's been doing great which rubbed Bethenny the wrong way because she doesn't like when anyone else acts as a power of authority. Fuck that dumb family crest bullshit, the real beef is between Bethenny and Dorinda at this point.

Both ladies are the two biggest players on the show and are the top dogs of their respected teams, I don't know what it is but they can't seem to get out of each other's way. I think Bethenny feels threatened because she knows Dorinda is recognised as the shows "fan favourite", an Erika if you will, and she can sense the tides turning on her. I also think that Dorinda is over Bethenny's bitchy antics and dominating personality in every situation and how she is ALWAYS involved in everybody's situation but no one is allowed to get involved in any of hers. How much do we really know about Dennis? Or her divorce for that matter? But Bethenny is the first one to shit on John, Tom, Adam and Ramona's whoring ways. I'm also pretty sure Dorinda and the other ladies are also subtly annoyed about Bethenny's extreme salary when she doesn't show any of her life on TV but continues to make the big bucks and hold that centre diamond. Their mutual annoyance at each other manages to seep through in every argument and I can see this becoming a major topic at the reunion because these two really are the two Queens of this franchise.

That wasn't even it. In Beverly Hills, someone would have stormed off by now and in Atlanta, they would have been separated by a team of security but in New York, it was literally just a warm-up. Lu brought up how Ramona not only tried to get an invite to Tom's party and posted a photo of her fresh from rehab without asking but The Singer Stinger ALSO has (allegedly) been getting drinks with Tom at the Regency. What is a more RHONY sentence then getting drinks with Luann's ex-husband who fucked half the cast, at the bar where he cheated on her? Well, Ramona clarified the statement by confirming that she was actually getting drinks with Harry Dubin which is probably the only thing that could make this into more of a quintessential RHONY moment. Tom and Harry both look like thumbs with syphilis so I really don't understand the intrigue from Ramona's perspective to hang out with them WITHOUT cameras, but whatever.

The ladies always joke they need to meet a Dick to fuck to add to the collection but I realised that Ramona is the Dick in this situation, because she's always fucking Luann and Sonja over. When Luann jumped on the Ramona Coaster by bringing up her various issues with her, Miss Singer held her own and doubled down on all her shitty behaviour until she faked an epiphany and "only just got" how she fucked up by posting the group photo on her Instagram. Ramona's acting is worse than a 90's soap opera star's and no one bought her performance, crocodile tears or apology. We not only had like 85 fights in this one dinner but we also had an around the world trip on the Ramona Coaster, which is always a delight to watch. Love her or hate her you can't deny that Ramona Blue Pinot Grigio New Beginnings Singer is a motherfucking all-star. After Ramona's shitty and snake-like behaviour Luann stormed out of the dinner with her statement necklace and the other ladies shortly followed. Obviously, what Ramona did in all instances was shitty, calculated and totally uncool, none of those ladies were hanging out with Mario in the Hamptons after he cheated on her! However, it's totally on brand for Ramona and although it's a bad excuse I think everyone just has to realise that although she probably isn't a good person she's also terrible at manipulating the situation and will always be caught out. She's like a headache, you wait for the pain to pass and you deal with it again later. You know that you're never going to be headache less but it's a quick pain you forget about until it comes back.

Following the dinner Bethenny, Luann and Sonja joined some strange trio that I'm yet to understand but it's sort of the girl squad I didn't know I needed. These two are the only ones left who can be Bethenny's friends but it feels super genuine in a weird way and it's better than watching Carole and Tinsley's mind-numbing conversations about their two boring boyfriends. I realised that I spent the entire recap talking about their dramatic dinner but it worked because every storyline was addressed and played out in one sitting. Talk about timing. This episode was just another beautiful creation in a season that is yet to have one dull episode or moment for that matter.

The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the big apple ladies!

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