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RHOP Recap: Le Miserable Batches

There's so much to talk about - almost too much because these Maryland girls are working for their checks. They may have started low on the totem pole but after the Housewives franchise's poor delivery in the last year across all cities Potomac only rivals New York with the entertainment level they are giving to us AND that says something. Props to these bitches for stepping up and shame on the older cities for slouching down and just being a slog to get through.

The ladies are still in Cannes and after Karen and Gizelle were pulled apart for fighting in the lobby about where the Black Bill Gates really wants to stick his penis, the whole cast except the Green-Eyed Bandits went to the essential oils factory and I literally couldn't think of anything worse to do while in Cannes? Really Monique? Really PRODUCERS? No one wants to watch that. While the ladies watched the boring process, Gizelle downloaded her sidekick Robyn on the drama she missed and lied through her teeth, blaming the ladies for ditching them when Gizelle was the one who told them to leave. Ugh. And they come for Karen over her alternative facts... I'm so sick of EveryHue and the linebacker, they complain about everything and constantly hate on the other women but are the first to call out the others for hating on them. They are just a pair of miserable bitches and their hypocrisy and Gizelle's wannabe hood voice are way too much to bare. When the whole group linked back up they went to a perfume distillery for Karen to research, which is probably the only thing more boring than the oils. Can't they lay out by the beach and get some sun? Not get fake research for products they aren't even making themselves.

Once the faux excursions were done with for the day the group went out to dinner where every piece of shit they have together came out for everyone to see. Gizelle and Karen reopened their fight over the Black Bill Gates following Gizelle's business partner around but they can't ever get anywhere because Karen doesn't open up or own anything and it seems everytime she has one controversy she can't even address it because another one pops up, like her not wearing her wedding ring. Who knows if she and Ray are really together but this shit is shady as fuck. She says he asked her for a divorce and now she's ringless, even if they are together why take it off in a group of women that pick the shit out of everything?

Karen is amazing at reality TV because she tries hard to cover certain topics and almost self-produces in a way but always gets caught out for every single lie. Is she still in her house. We don't know. Does she have an actual perfume line? We don't know. Is she still married? We don't know. Is her husband going to jail and maybe taking her with him Joe and Teresa style? We don't know. But not knowing anything about Karen is to love her, the intrigue into her life and her refusal to ever answer a question provides the comic relief we need for this show. In the end, Gizelle and Karen put their issues to bed but they are the NeNe & Kim of this city and it's just one fight of many that they are going to have.

Not even 8.5 seconds following the two matriarchs making up, Messy Boots Ashley had to revert to her messy ways and bring up Charrisse talking shit about Monique stealing her "Potomac contacts" which was known to everyone except Monique. This dinner was a perfect example of why Eeyore was exiled to a part-time role in this group, she can't defend herself and she isn't a good fighter. Instead of owning her behaviour and saying "In a moment of anger I said something I didn't mean and I'm sorry Monique" she just sat there at the table and blamed her mess on Ashley. Five of the other women and a team of cameras saw her clearly talk trash about Monique but she couldn't own it or even get a clear thought out during the dinner. She then had another ten piles of shit dropped on her when the Kyndall situation came up and Monique claimed Charrisse was the ringleader in "bringing her around her group."

Basically, Gizelle is mad they brought Kyndall onto the show, but they have to say "the group" because they can't break that fourth wall. It's messy as fuck to film scenes talking shit about both Sherman and Gizelle with Kyndall and everyone knows it, she can't use the excuse "Oh I really like her." Fuck no. From all of Charrisse's contacts, you chose the ONE person who dated your frenemy that you are on a reality show with to then appear on that show? I like Monique but she needs to own her mess level because her story is not plausible right now and I'd respect her more if she owned it. There was obviously behind the scenes conversations about how to fuck with Gizelle between Charrisse, Monique AND Karen, let's be real, but Charrisse looks the worst overall because she's playing both sides of the fence and now she isn't really welcomed in either.

Even if ALL that drama and being kicked out of the restaurant wasn't enough, newbie pageant queen Candiace tried to confront the group about them laughing about her princess issue the night before but once again they laughed her off the table. I don't know how I feel about this situation. On one hand, Candiace isn't married, doesn't have children, her mother funds her lifestyle and is considerably younger than the rest of the group so her issues aren't going to be as deep and meaningful as everyone else. On the other, it wouldn't be fun being laughed when you try to relate to grownup issues with a problem that you are actually sensitive towards. I feel bad because she's not exactly gelling with the group.

Candiace has been doing a lot for reality TV with her constant singing in conversations where it isn't necessary, being overly extra and being super dramatic when Brown Dick called her a princess - when she was acting like a princess. It would be hard to be on a reality show and I feel like she really tried to make a mark and become something but it's just too much too quickly and it hasn't been a good look for her. I like Candiace, she's quick with shade and is snatched, but if her sensitivity about the group not taking her seriously shows anything it's that she doesn't have that much skin in the game to be on the show because her drama and relationship aren't on the same level as the rest of the group and if that's the case she should just sit there, cross her legs, hold her wig down and continue with her singing because trying to relate to a situation that she couldn't relate to fucked her over more than anything.

In the end, we've got different levels of mess on this show. The shady behind the scenes, overly produced Kyndall moment is at the top of the spectrum because they're almost taking a piss on the fourth wall. Karen & Gizelle's beef and Charisse's shit talking ways are moderate messes because they are real issues but not anything too catastrophic and Candiace's mess of being laughed at is at the bottom of the mess spectrum because it's almost a reach of a storyline but isn't quite as desperate as Robyn's overall sad demeanor and presence. At least we have one more week in Cannes before we get back to their stale Maryland lives!

The Real Housewives of Potomac airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these Maryland ladies.

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