Shahs Of Sunset Recap: Man Of Dishonour
After a pretty uneventful trip to Big Bear, which introduced us to the new siblings Nema and Mona, the Persians woke up reluctantly and ready to get the fuck out of the snow. The Game-Of-Thrones-esque brother and sister woke up in the same room (in separate beds) where Nema couldn't stop gushing about Golnesa. I know he's supposed to play her love interest but from the way he looks at his long lost sister, I'd think she was the one he wants to be inside. I'm not saying they are the second coming of Angelina Jolie and her brother but I can't be the only one noticing the constant eye boning going on here. Before everyone departed, Reza decided to announce the news he was going to be MJ's man of honour which gave GG the perfect opportunity to throw some premium Persian shade and remind the group (and the fans at home) that Mercedes' man of honour was once inside her.
I don't think GG is jealous she wasn't considered for the position, she just wanted to get back at them for commenting on her relationship values the night before and gets wet pushing MJ's buttons. I know we've all been privy to the high school bestie's rolling around in the sheets since the early days of the show but why this season are we constantly being reminded about their shower rendezvous? I love a flashback but it's pretty random. After Golnesa's comment acted as a metaphorical stick of dynamite up MJ's vagina their Big Bear trip officially came to a close and they all crawled back to their Beverly Hills adjacent residences. Why can't any of these Shahs stay in one fixed address for an extended period of time? Every season it feels like Mike, GG and MJ are always finding a new place to live and season seven is no exception. Mike has a new house which had Reza sweating like a whore in Mike's bedroom from the stress of helping him. It's so hard to take Mike seriously when he's pushing 40 and has Kim Kardashian contour all over his face.
He may look big and buff but he's secretly just a big man baby who needs a woman: either it's his mum or girlfriend to help him function the way any other human functions on their own. He doesn't have a girl that will get on her hands and knees and be the perfect Persian Jewish girl to please his every need so he's using the closet thing he has to a one as a crutch: Reza. I support the bromance but not at the cost of Reza's sweat ruining a good shirt. Mike also managed to find a replacement for his crush on Mona with a little 25-year-old girl. If he's STILL single maybe dating barely legal Kardashian wannabes isn't the best choice for him.
Someone else who's struggling to find a relationship is Destiney. I really do like Destiney and her grey wig but if you are still single and have a list of requirements longer than Mike's dool than you probably have the list because you don't want to open yourself and get hurt. However, the list of demands isn't that crazy. A man with gross fingernails should be a no-go zone for every any self-respecting adult, I understand the need for a circumcised dick and she probably wants her man to wear boxers in order for the penis to breathe. I get you Destiney, but I think she will probably end up with a middle-aged Jewish finance/doctor type who isn't mainstream attractive but at least he'll have a bank account and an uncut cock.
The producers tried to set up duelling boys and girls night's with the cast but the only thing that was discussed was the possibility of Mona maybe having a makeout session with her brother on the girl's side and the fact that every single male has but their penis where they wouldn't on the boy's side. Do the producers put "Persian with a tendency to cheat" on the casting call before every season? Nema admitted to the group of admitted liars and cheaters (Reza, Mike & Shervin) he was going to tell his girlfriend about his almost make out session with GG before she hears it from anyone else because she's friends with his sister and he doesn't trust anyone in this group not to tell her. No.
He's telling her because he was dumb enough to do it on camera and he needs to let her know before his cunty ways blow up in his face. At least Mike and Shervin were smart enough to throw their dools around off camera so there was a slight area of doubt about their cheating ways but Nema openly was ready to cheat on his live-in girlfriend on his first day of filming and wasn't even successful about it. If you're going to cheat on TV you should at least get an orgasm out of it instead of blue balls. Either he's super thirsty to be one the show or the pale twink has fewer brain cells than Lilly Ghalichi. We were supposed to believe the boys hazed Nema by leaving him with the check but we all know Bravo picks up the tab for their feasts.
The big event of the episode was Mercedes' Valentines Day party which she hosted with the help of Destiney. Although it was a party to celebrate love her husband-to-be was with her father in the hospital so she was solely surrounded by her gay glam squad who know how to inflate a woman's ego better than a mechanic can inflate a tire. Even though Vida and Tommy are now best friends, hang out all the time and look like they should be in a cheap early 2000s buddy comedy about two unlikely friends, she still doesn't want want him to get married or have a baby with MJ. Oh, Vida. The embryos are frozen, the ring is on her finger and the wedding date is set for April 21st, MJ is walking down the aisle whether her judgemental mother likes it or not. I can't decide if Vida is thirsty to keep her camera time or if she just enjoys playing the role of a bitter old lady who can't support her daughter's decisions but this is just stupid. Vida likes Tommy. Tommy is marrying her daughter and looks after her sick dad constantly so I'm not buying what Vida and her inherently bad attitude is trying to sell us.
MJ also announced her bridal party which already consisted of her (once boned) gay-husband Reza and surprisingly her gay trainer who she's known for two and a half seconds instead of Golnesa and Adam. Naturally the two jilted bridesmaids were pissy about being left out of MJ's big day and walked around the party like someone had put a raisin in their butthole, however, I think Adam would like that because we all know he's a closet freak. Instead of Golnesa and MJ addressing their issues, Mercedes passive aggressively shaded her on stage at the party and pointed out that she had invited Shalom's other ex-wife. What the actual fuck. Reza tried to play it off that he and MJ had known the ex for years but why are we only finding out about this now and why is this the first taped party she was invited to? We see you, Reza joon.
It was a direct retaliation to Golnesa re-bringing up Reza and MJ's high school sex session but that was a flippant response and this was a highly calculated move on their part. Although MJ was clearly in the wrong I'm a self-confessed Mercedes Javid apologist and she could run over my cousin and I'd still make excuses for her. Instead of hitting another one of her cast members GG threw a glass, stormed out the party, probably did some weed and came back to film a scene with Mercedes which lasted twenty seconds after MJ called her a cunt and GG laughed. These two are like a pair of fucked up sisters who fight like they are the Middle Eastern Kim and Kyle Richards and it's entertaining as fuck but there's nothing better than when the two initialled cast members get along.
Shahs Of Sunset airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the flossiest Persians in LA!