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KUWTK Recap: Sister Act

With the Kardashian Kivil War dying down the family managed to get back to their dumb storylines about nothing which earns them millions of dollars but idiots like me have been tuning in for the last decade to see them eat salad and sit around with a full face of makeup in workout clothes, even though we all know they aren't working out. The faux storyline line this week was Khloe and Kris' dumb art beef. Ugh. This show is running out of steam at this point. Filming is a chore for the entire family, no one seems like they even want to be there but they're only keeping the cameras up to make some easy E! money and stay relevant. The Kardashians don't want to be there and the "storylines" suck so why don't we call a spade a spade and call Keeping Up a day.

The pregnant Kardashian didn't know who created a gold balloon dog statue in her mom's office so of course Kris Jenner climbed onto her pretentious high horse and tried to explain who made the dumb dog. Khloe and her pregnancy lips took it as a personal attack so she decided to "get back" at her mother and enlisted the help of Lord Disick. The only people who enjoy art (or pretend like they do) are boring pretentious know it alls like Heather Dubrow, so why would BBC loving, iPhone using, down-home chick Khloe even get offended by her mom's comments about a fucking gold dog? The pair made Kris meet a fake artist called Art Vandalay who they convinced her was a snobby, elite artist. Either Kris is as gullible as Khloe who believes Tristan when he says "it didn't mean anything" or she's just really desperate for a storyline so she played along. After ten years of practical jokes are we really supposed to believe Kris still falls for these pranks? Wouldn't she have at least googled the artist in question? Come on E!, the Todd Kraines days are definitely over because this dumb art prank was not up to the traditional Disick standard.

For phase two of their plan, Khloe and Scott threw some paint on a canvas, swirled it around, put it in a frame and gifted it to Kris as a gift from the faux artist Art Vandalay. The paintings look like something Mason, Penelope, North or Portia de Rossi could have done with their nanny while waiting for their moms or Ellen to finish a photo shoot. However, Kris believed it and put them up on her walls with the help of her boy toy Corey with juicy lips and woman hips. Corey may not be turning into a woman like Kris' last partner but those hips don't lie and he definitely earned himself a place in this family. Instead of coming clean about their fake painting prank Khloe and Scott decided to prolong revealing the truth to Kris and continued throwing paint and sparkles on a canvas. If I wanted to watch messy brush strokes I'd go to a kindergartner's class or a nude sketching. I don't need the Kardashians to be doing arts and crafts. No thank you.

The other reach of a storyline was Kendall's living situation. The one week of the year, when she wasn't travelling just happened to be the same week where her current house sold and her new house was still under construction, so Kim said she could stay at her house. However, Kim then sold HER house to a thirsty Russian lady (who offered Kim for money for the house if she posted pictures of her on social media to get famous, catch that tea) so Kim also had to move into her new house. What the fuck is up with all this moving and what are the chances they both happened at one? Am I watching HGTV or am I watching the Kardashians? Just let me know because I'll change the channel if all this painting and house renovations continue. Kendall made a big deal out of Kim not telling her she was moving but we all know Kendall wasn't really staying in her sister's guest room with her suitcase and tooth brush.

If she was why were there no scenes of her at Kim's house and wouldn't Kendall have asked if Kim was moving at her house instead of at a club? I don't buy any of this more than I buy that fuck that Scott is happy with Sofia or that Kanye doesn't like a finger in the booty, but if Kendall was worried about not having anywhere to live couldn't she move in with one of her 40 siblings or just stay at a hotel? The producers and Kris Jenner must really be struggling because this season's storylines are running on more fumes than those Blac Chyna ingests.

On top of Kendall pretending she was staying in Kim's house and Khloe passing off Penelope's arts and craft project as her own, both sisters still had to deal with their ongoing feud with Kourtney "Born Bitch" Kardashian. After trying to get to the core of the issues, Kim suggested the UnHoly Trinity get group therapy together to try and resolve their fucked dynamic while Kourtney sat their on her phone not responding to a word either of her sisters had to say, which ended with both Khloe and Kim walking off peacefully and Kourtney breaking down (again) even though everyone spoke in a calm voice and she was the one being a (born) bitch one again. I don't know if her dog died, if her barely legal boo fucked another THOT Tristan Thompson style or if she was just having a really heavy flow that week but obviously there was something else happening which was making her cry all the time and get mad at her sisters for no reason. Maybe she's going through the change? She is 39 after all.

Once Kim, Khloe and Kourtney all came together with a very white therapist who looked like she had never even heard what a Kardashian was, the real root of their issues came out. The girls can try and sugar coat their problems with Kourtney by saying she shows up to "work" late or isn't present is their way of saying they are pissed that she doesn't film as much as them for the show. If E! were paying me $100 million to film a reality show about eating salad I would be front and centre every morning, not just blowing it off like Kourtney because it's "not her main priority." Born Bitch,MAKE IT A PRIORITY OR LEAVE. Nobody likes working, but she should counts her lucky stars and thank Kim's vagina for being able to take Ray J's BBC because without that little sex tape she would have a much worse job than sitting on a couch all day with her sisters being filmed.

If Kourtney doesn't want to be filmed then she shouldn't. She should quit the show and move to Utah to raise her kids because it's unfair that she gets to sit idling by, travel around the world but still get paid a fuck tonne of money when Khloe and Kim actually "work". The Kardashians are talking about the show on the show which on one hand I love but on the other is clearly showing us this is a television show and they are obviously aware of everything they do and say at all times when the cameras are rolling which takes away from the original fly on the wall concept.

The sisters obviously know what Kourt's deep-seated problems are but refused to say them on camera so, in the end, the therapy session ended with Kourtney and her vocal fry concluding that she believes everyone should be more sensitive of each other's feelings and be nice. What the fuck? Does she know what family she was born into? That's not what a family does but until Kourtney ends her relationship with her strange therapist who is trying to turn her against her family with her weird solutions to problems and Tyler Henry predictions that she "will fight with people she is close to". Is Kourtney going to this therapist for therapy or a psychic reading? In the end, the issue wasn't resolved and Kourt continued to live in her own reality which will only cause distance between Kim and Khloe but I guess Kourtney likes her relationships to be as fake as Kylie's lips and Caitlyn's cunt. Too much?

Keeping Up With The Kardashians airs Sundays at 9/8c on E! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first family of reality TV.

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