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RHONY Finale Recap: Countess & Friends

As much as I've been disappointed by many of the Housewives cities in the last twelve months, Bravo spoiled with the New York finale and Dallas premiere on the same night, which are probably the two best cities in the franchise right now. This finale was one of the best we've seen across even non-Housewives Bravo shows, which is a great way to end a fantastic season, the only downside to the finale is that after the reunion we have to endure months of New York cravings that only Dallas will probably only be able to fill. Who would have thought Dallas of all cities would be the one to rival these Big Apple bitches?

My favourite Housewives episodes are the ones which take place in one night. It's like watching a play and you really feel like a drunk fly observing the mess take place on screen, especially in New York because they are effortlessly entertaining. While Luann did a sound check with her gay hype guy Ben, who boosted her regal ego with a simple "yas queen," the other ladies got glammed up for their night out at Luann's cabaret show. I'm not sure if all these ladies got a memo to dress like Tinkerbell threw up on them or they all just happened to wear sequins but Tinsley was the only apple holder who refrained from dressing like an over the top Russian hooker - and I mean that with love. Dorinda, Carole & Tinsley had a before party in her newfound penthouse which the Coupon King pays for, even though he's yet to move in.

I like Dorinda but she is making it so hard this season. After finally burying the hatchet with Luann after their stupid fight in Colombia, the resident slurrer decided to keep it going and got mad at Lu (again) when she found out John wasn't invited to the cabaret. Really Dorinda? Really?! For the past few weeks, she and Lu weren't gelling which is understandable why her dry cleaner boo didn't get an invitation to her cabaret but I don't think the Countess sat up in her pied-à-terre brainstorming ways to punish Dorinda and ex-communicate John from her cabaret show. Obviously, Dorinda is still mad at Lu and is reaching straws to try and keep this dumb feud going. Their beef started with Dorinda acting drunk and sloppy and ended with her being drunk and sloppy.

While the three blondes sat in Tinsley's penthouse, Bethenny was downtown blaming the decline of her relationship with Carole on her being superficial, while she sat in her newly built glam room getting her makeup applied by her very own glam squad. The irony is not lost on me. I'm not sure if Bethenny is jealous of Carole or doesn't like her own superficial qualities but every time she has accused Carole of something there's a mirror image of her doing the EXACT same thing. She accused her of being into Instagram and selfies: Bethenny recorded Luann's whole performance and Instagram Lives more than anyone. She accused her of trying to act young: Bethenny has two dogs named Biggie and Smallz and refers to everything as being "tight." She accused her of only wanting light relationships with Tinsley but then bragged about having a light relationship with Sonja. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I'm really not in the mood to turn this recap into yet another Bethenny Burn Book session but I can't ignore the blatant hypocrisy.

All the ladies arrived at the cabaret and Mugshot Mortimer spilled the tea to Carole that Lu had invited Scott to the cabaret that morning AFTER she and Dorinda had a fight about John not being invited and then told Dorinda who was already at least six martinis in. What the fuck Tinsley? I understand it's the last night of filming and you have to wrap up all the loose ends but how does she think this news will go with an already drunk and pissed off Dorinda. Does this redundant beef make anyone else want to harvest their own kidney or is it just me? For the entire performance, Dorinda started heckling Lu because she was wearing the Jiovanni dresses she had set her up with. Cool. Great. You gave her a few free dresses and jumpsuits after you got the company free advertising on the show, does that mean you're allowed to ruin Luann's show? Whether or not Lu fucked up or not, this is her night and it's rude and selfish of Dorinda to make everything about her. That would be like throwing red wine on a bride because she didn't let you bring a plus one. Could she not wait one night to fight with her friend?

Aside from Dorinda and her martinis yelling in the background like a baseball fan the cabaret was a massive success. She reminded me of Chandler's dad from Friends. Luann owned her arrest with jokes throughout the night about the Regency and singing Jailhouse Rock which was definitely a full circle moment to see on the season ten finale of all times. Could you imagine season one Luann "Call me the Countess" de Lesseps making fun or herself or singing or even getting arrested? No fucking way. Luann has reinvented herself more times than Vicki Gunvalson has reinvented her face. She went from a conservative Upper East Side mother to a divorcee with a few pop hits to a Pirate fucker then an advocate for the girl code, to a woman scorned, a blushing bride, a divorcee again, a convict and now a cabaret performer and her newest Luann is the best because she's in on the joke, funny, down to earth and an honest human being which just solidifies her as an all-star.

I could've watched the cabaret for the whole episode, but I guess that's why she's selling out her tour. I loved Bridget Everett's hilarious performance, motorboating Sonja and calling out Ramona's turtle time titties, the Singer Stinger jumping around and acting like she had never been to a concert before but Lu's sister Renee will always be my spirit animal with her raspy voice and zero fucks attitude. Oh, Renee. Of course, Sonja's dress flew off while they were singing Money Can't By You Class and the irony is not lost on me in the slightest. Did Sonja make her own dress fall off? Who knows, but at least she had a pair of underwear on and wasn't going commando because not even Luann would've acted fast enough to be Lady Morgan's snatch guard. We've seen a lot of things over the years but we've never seen Sonja's cunt, well, we have but blurred. Those editors are the ones who really got to see her unedited goody box, I hope Bravo offers free counselling.

Following her epic cabaret performance, everyone was on a natural high from the sheer energy in the room. Everybody was happy to be there and everyone was happy for Luann, well, except Dorinda. By the end of the night, her bloodstream was 90% alcohol so her brain was so busy with "I Hate Luann" thoughts that just like a Catholic nun nothing was going to penetrate it. She wasted the whole night and the after party being mad when she could've taken a deep breath and enjoyed the night, it's just such a waste of time and energy on her behalf but if she wanted to spend the night in a martini fuelled rage then that's her prerogative. Even though Bethenny is the main advocate to make everyone stay out her own drama, her hypocritical ways reared their aggressive head and got between the Luann/Dorinda spat. She found out Lu only invited Scott because she wanted to extend an invite to all the boyfriends of the group (Scott and John) but just couldn't let them sit at the table because of the seating numbers. That was it. Of course, when she confronted Dorinda her "Back It Up" hands came out, she gave Lu a passive aggressive dig and left in a blaze of drunken glory. Luann doesn't need to look back on her epic night and think about her fight with Dorinda so I'm glad the fight subsided for her sake.

I've been very careful in talking about Dorinda's drinking and I don't think she's an alcoholic but she shouldn't drink. She's not the funny, fancy-free, gif-inducing drunk she once was. She's mean, cutting and it's not fun to be around, she's gone after the half the group in her drunk fuelled rants and whenever anyone wants to talk about her drinking or accuses her of possibly having a problem she gets offended and bites back hard. Normally Dorinda would be reflective and own her behaviour but this season it seems like her mirror is cracked and she can't see her real self-looking back. Even in the reunion and real life she is still doubling down on her shitty behaviour. I don't think she's an alcoholic but you would have to be Helen Keller not to notice that she has some kind of issue surrounding alcohol, any viewer can see the link between her fighting with her friends and getting fucked up.

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Carole and Bethenny also had a conversation for the first time in months. They may have ended the season well and had high hopes but we all know their relationship ended with Carole losing her job and claiming to go back to journalism. The wannabe Carrie Bradshaw isn't going to war-torn countries are becoming a member of The View but I'm sure she'll do something political/ news like in the future. During their discussion, Ramona and her dress, which looked like the backwards version of Bethenny's, interrupted their conversation to tell the Skinnygirl that she was offended she didn't attend her skincare launch. Bethenny was a bitch and didn't care about giving Ramona an explanation. She doesn't give any fucks about her other cast members and it's as clear as Ramona's over the top soap opera acting. The line between Bethenny and every other person in this cast is very obvious and I'm not sure how her nasal voice will be able to come back next season but she's a fame whore, Andy's favourite and ratings gold, so I'm sure she'll be back.

After an exhilarating end to an epic season I'm sad to say goodbye, especially to Carole who finally became a Housewife for the first time but at least we have the reunion to sink our teeth into before the real RHONY withdrawals begin.

The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the big apple ladies!

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