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KUWTK Recap: Faux Jesus

Kim Kardashian is never going to be a mortician. God knows it. We know it. The creepy redhead mortician knows it and even Kim knew it before she agreed to this fake storyline. On the heels of Kylie's billion-dollar lip kit success, Kim decided she wanted to jump on the Kardashian makeup bandwagon and push her shitty contour for way more than it's worth until her assistants have enough money to have assistants of there own, so it only seemed like a natural progression for the KUWTK scriptwriters to conjure up a new storyline where Kim would go from selling her makeup to putting it on dead people. As the one family member who came closest to dying, should she really be pursuing this? It was dumb as fuck and if this storyline doesn't show the show's age, I don't know what will. I almost thought Kim acting as a fake mortician for the sake of a storyline was an insult to my intelligence as a viewer but then I remembered: I'm watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

Her makeup artist Mario, who is the real brains behind Kim's makeup line, accompanied her and her camel toe to the mortuary to get some advice on becoming the mortician we will know she won't be. If I had a dollar for every time I had sit through a scene on this show of a Kardashian consulting an expert about possibly starting a career in their field of expertise and then realising it wasn't for them, I would have enough money to literally be a Kardashian and have fake campy storylines for a living. Finally, when it came time to actually put makeup on the (pretend) dead person, Kim freaked out and the makeup artist just did all the work, so basically the old pretend dead lady on the table got a KKW beauty makeup tutorial for free, which teenage girls would give their fake lips for. The basis of this storyline was for Kim to look hot when she's dead. I know her superficial personality is why she has more money than God but is she really that vain that she wants to have a bomb highlight, fake tan and extensions when she's dead? Who. Gives. A fuck? You're either going to be in the ground or be dust. Get over it.

The secondary faux storyline was Kris trying to fatten pregnant Khloe up to eat more food like the witch out of Hazel & Gretel. Khloe already resided herself to the fact that this baby will be the size of a football and either split her vagina or stomach open so she tried to eat as little as possible to keep her figure and avoid a c-section, however, Kris decided she wanted to stuff 90 dozen donuts down Khloe's throat and possibly give her gestational diabetes like Kim nearly had. When you are pregnant you aren't eating for two, you're eating for one person and a walnut, it doesn't mean you can stuff your face and act like Mama June, but it also doesn't mean Khloe needs to workout 85 times a week with the camera in the perfect few of her massive ass. It's all about moderation but Kris wanted some extra camera time and was doing the most with those doughnuts to try and get it. The only good thing about Kris pressuring Fat Khloe to make a comeback were those hilarious pregnant '80s flashbacks of Kris enjoying life while having 40 kids in the space of four years. Honestly, who wouldn't want to be Kris Jenner in the 80s and 90s, she was living THE life.

My heart sunk when Khloe revealed she's five months pregnant because that means there's still four months until the Tristan Thompson drama which translates into a whole season of fake storylines until we get to the serial cheater's THOTs being exposed and Khloe giving birth. At this rate True is going to be four-and-a-half until we see her birth.

The final reach of a storyline and arguably the worst was Scott's dumb Miami trip with Corey, it's so irrelevant I'm confused what it was even about. Scott is in the middle of his transformation to become Jesus with the mangy clothes, shaggy beard and long dark hair. This family already has Yeezus so it's only fitting that Scott decided to resemble the basis of Kanye's wannabe religious figure. After his routine rim job from Kris, which she seems to give him almost weekly, they decided to go into his flipping houses business together and in order for the business to flourish he needed to fly to Miami, attend a boughy art show and pick out the art he likes the best to hang in the flipped homes. First of all, what the fuck, no one does this ever. Second of all, Kris Jenner isn't going into business with anyone unless there is a team of lawyers present. And third of all, when are Khloe and Scott going to tell Kris about their art prank? Did she want him to pick up an Art Vandalay in Miami?

It's absurd and ridiculous that Scott would have to fly across the country to look at art to put in a house he is going to sell but we have to go along with the fakery of the situation. The second phase of the storyline was for Kris' boy toy Corey with the juicy lips and woman's hips to join him in his trip to Miami to buy the art. When the show has scenes with just Corey and Scott talking about fake buying art, then you know the producers are desperate for anything to happen. In the end, Scott's nose got an old visit from his friend Frosty the Snowman, partied all night long with his barely legal girlfriend, and slept through the whole trip and ditched Corey. Do we expect anything LESS from Scott during a trip to Miami? Even Lord Disick knew the art storyline was bullshit and didn't even have the energy to fake it on camera, which was evident when Kris tried to resolve the non-issue and they both just started laughing. I've said it before that I'm over this family's made-for-TV storylines but Kris really shouldn't get Corey involved in them because his face says it all.

Keeping Up With The Kardashians airs Sundays at 9/8c on E! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first family of reality TV.