RHOC Recap: Failure To Launch
The to be continued episodes are always the worst because we wait a week for the conclusion of the fight and there are only about ten seconds of yelling left before the feuding Housewives are pulled off the ring and vent about it to the other ladies. The Kelly vs Emily fight was hilarious, mostly due to Kelly calling Shane a little bitch and delivering this hilarious line: "She’s threatening to kill me and she’s a lawyer? I’ll sue you right now you dumb bitch," but the senseless yelling and death threats were a little over the top. I'm not saying it wasn't entertaining but it wasn't 70s Disco Party, Sushi Restaurant, Quiet Woman good either. I love Kelly and Shannon as friends but they need a yell at each other in public settings a few more times to save this show.
Orange County was the first Housewives instalment, so it's near and dear to my reality TV-obsessed heart, however, this show is sinking faster than the Titanic or the RHONY's Colombian boat because we are literally halfway through the season and the only partially epic moment was Kelly calling someone's Mormon husband a bitch and that entire Mexico trip. I like the entire cast but there's just something about this franchise that isn't sucking me in like it used to, maybe it's the fact they all get along, maybe it's Vicki's ever-changing face or maybe it's the loss of Heather Dubrow (I don't want to miss her but I strangely do) but these ladies have to go into next season with an insensitive to fight because this show is more tired than Brooks Ayers after his fake cancer treatments.
There were so many scenes in this episode but I only want to talk about the Tamra, Shannon, Gina, Emily dinner at the end because it basically summed up all the highlights we need to explore. Shannon went on a date with a guy (I want to say Tom?) and the only thing we discovered was that he loves cats, crying and Sarah McLachlan. Who the fuck is this matchmaker? Shannon does not need to be someone's beard, she needs a guy who can love and respect her without audibly crunching on chips while she complains about her weight loss. Finding Shannon a suitable date is like finding a reason to like Emily's little bitch. It's pretty fucking hard. Apart from being a woman of a certain age with three children, the matchmaker also has to find someone able to deal with her roller coaster of emotions and her constantly comparing them to David and his beady eyes.
I'm sure there's someone out there but she doesn't need a boyfriend, she needs a few quick fucks to throw her back into the dating game because after twenty years I'm sure she needs to learn some new tricks before she meets a guy she wants to settle down with especially since David hated having sex - with his wife. Plus, who wants to jump from one 20+ year relationship to another serious one? That's your time to wear your come fuck me heels and get drunk on a regular basis before you cry in the pantry at 3 in the morning when you see an oatmeal cookie that reminds you of your ex.
In the worst segway ever, Gina jumped in and said Shannon's date's marriage was like hers because they drifted apart? What the fuck. You just know Gina was looking for a way to insert her divorce into the conversation and that was the only shitty excuse she had. Am I the only one who gives zero fucks about Gina's divorce from her phantom husband? We've never met the guy and we don't really know what they are fighting about so I have no emotional attachment to this couple. If we sat through an entire season of him belittling her on camera or having sneaky hot mic conversations with other women I'd be #TeamGina with a banner and everything, but this divorce seems way too contrived and she definitely had the paperwork ready to fill out as she was signing her RHOC contract or a crafty producer was whispering in her ear because it's the only contribution she's had this season aside from calling Vicki an idiot within 30 seconds of meeting her.
The other reason this divorce is odd is because they didn't even try. Are you telling me a job where you only see your family two days of the week is more important than your actual family? Maybe I'm a moron but that sounds more fucked up than a pornstar's vagina after a long day of shooting. If they are getting divorced over distance than there is absolutely no way he hasn't had bitches spinning on his dick for the entire time he's lived in LA because you can't tell me a HOT DILF has spent the last year in LA without ploughing some bitches, especially if that Reddit tea is accurate. She also kept using that "best friends" excuse. I'm so fucking sick of celebrities divorcing but still being "best friends." Are you bitching about your other friends or calling each other 85 times a day? No, then your not best friends. We'll see if they are still "best friends" after they are done with their divorce because everything is fun and games until the money and custody battles come out. They might be distant acquaintances at best.
Another recurring theme of the episode was Vicki's relationship with the stale celery stick of a man, Steve. Even his name is white and boring. It's a fact that Victoria Gunvalson is not at her happiest with her celery stick. I'm not saying she isn't happy but on a scale of 0 - Pre-Cancer Brooks, this bitch's love tank is probably at 5 on a good day. If there's one thing I know about Vicki, aside from her incapability to be a good friend, it's that she wants to be in a relationship and feel loved so she's definitely settling for Steve and wants to lock him down before he changes her mind.
We don't know what's in her heart but none of the other Housewives are buying their relationship and the producers are DEFINITELY trying to make us doubt it with all these Brooks flashbacks. This episode was very Brooks heavy and while I appreciate the role that cum stain on the blanket of life played in the show's history, I would rather not be reminded of him and his smokers teeth. As for Kelly's tea on Steve dating Vicki for her money, I half believe it but I also don't care enough to elaborate on his potential gold digging ways.
The final storyline in this episode which was so basically titled "A Peace Treaty, A Blind Date, And A Divorce No One Understands" is of course the peace treaty. Have these producers forgotten how to construct a successful Housewives beef? After a blowup, you sequester the women, get them to talk shit and maybe reveal a secret they have against the other party which will, of course, be repeated back to the other lady through a game of telephone, most likely started by Tamra, and then lead to another fight, followed by social media beef while the show is airing and an epic reunion. But no. Emily and Kelly owned their behaviour and made up in 3.2 seconds. Is this the behaviour of responsible, level-headed adults? Yes. Do we want responsible, level-headed adults on Bravo? No fucking way. Either be cunts endlessly or get the fuck off my TV screen and let someone else cash those checks who is willing to stir shit up for the sake of a few Instagram followers and the opportunity to sell Flat Tummy Tea.
The peace treaty, blind date, Steve's potential sugaring ways and the divorce no one understands gave us a lot of content to work with but it wasn't exactly entertaining. I want to see Shannon on dates because the awkwardness is what reality TV is made of but we need more fights and divorces with couples that have both parties present because I want this show to succeed for many more years because this gang of blonde, fake titted messes have come this far and the gas can't run of the OC engine now.
The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!