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Shade of the Week: Keeping Up With The Kardashians

Due to my lack of sleep and exhaustion from studying for exams and moving houses over the last weekend, I passed out and gave up on all my responsibilities in life so I wasn’t able to recap KUWTK this week (or Married To Medicine) but given the fact no reality star has been arrested or acted like a (complete) asshole within the past week I decided I’d do what I do best and shit on how terrible Keeping Up With The Kardashians has gotten.

If you are an avid Good Tea reader you would I know I express my discontent for how boring this show has become almost as much as I talk about Lisa Vanderpump’s dusty vagina but when one episodes’ storyline revolves around a flash mob to make Kim take herself less seriously, you know this show is in dire straights. Every single season we get the same recycled bullshit from Scott going on a bender, the sisters getting annoyed that Kendall and/or Kylie won’t hang out with them, Rob wanting to lose weight and then hiding in his room with a box of Krispy Kremes and a hooker, the dumb debate of who will parent the sisters children if they die, them trying to hawk any and all of their endorsements and probably a plethora of other overly used plot devices I can’t think of due to my 5 hours of sleep. If most of the episodes are just repeats of old scenes with new over the top contour on their faces then they should just cancel the show now because it is harder to watch than Blac Chyna giving head.

After 15 seasons, 11 years and countless spinoffs on TV that all started from a hazy sex tape, that’s a pretty successful run and the girls should just take their coins and sit in their Calabasas mansions because I don’t think anyone is interested in their antics anymore. I’ve been a Kardashian lover for the better part of their decade of fame and while I was addicted to the iconic years of this reality TV empire, this show hasn’t been good for at least the last two years and is on a steady decline which has only resulted in the girls signing a 5 year $100 million dollar deal. How can we justify giving this family more money than a small country to film a reality show when the only content they have is eating salad and sitting around in $1000 sweat pants.

One reason why KUWTK and other reality shows work is that we get to see what really happens behind the headlines but this season was filmed in late 2017/ early 2018. Its nearly October and we are still in February by this shows standards so even if they do discuss their publicised drama are we really supposed to care about something that happened almost a year ago? Fuck no. The only thing giving me the ambition to watch is the eventual Tristan Thompson cheating scandal but he didn’t film for the show and they are still together so who knows how much that’ll be watered down. They sucked us in with the intense sister fighting during the first episode to try and get us to tune in and now I'm stuck and like a shit inside a constipated person: I want to get out.

This isn’t the Housewives, you can’t recast every time the show gets boring. What are they supposed to do? Cast another sister? Maybe this is why they are reproducing like cousins in the south but even then we need to wait at least 16 years for the new babies to get interesting and drive the plot. The only way they could shake up this show is if they brought back some messy family rejects to spice thing up like Caitlyn, Blac Chyna, Ray J, Lamar, that makeup artist they all hate, or even get Sofia Richie on. Or bring Bruce back. But even then I don’t think it’s enough to save this show. You just know when Scott Disick is in every episode they are desperate for any kind of drama or attention. No one wants to see that wannabe Jesus have a weird budding comedy duo style relationship with his 62-year-old ex-mother-in-law.

The producer interaction during this season has obviously been a ploy to try and be as real as possible but I don’t want to see Kourtney LITERALLY SAYING she wouldn’t do the show if she didn’t need the money - on the show. If you don’t want to do the show then I don’t want to fucking watch it. If I wanted to watch someone held hostage I’d go over to Les Moonves and Julie Chen’s mansion. And I don’t want to see the producers running around because it sets a clear line between on and off camera and I can’t deal with the thought of their past seasons being a lie.

Keeping Up With The Kardashians sucks and there’s no way we can really change it. Like a middle aged stripper with saggy tits and a vagina that smells like an ashtray who works the day shift, you've got to know when to call it quits. It’s not the fun, campy show it once was, these bitches are reaching for straws trying to come up with some kind of semi-interesting material and pass the time so they can cash their ridiculous family sized check. Most of the family have checked out (Rob, Kylie and the entire Jenner side) and we only have the three sisters dumb fights, Kris doing anything for camera time and the kids climbing on chairs in the background fuelling the show. If I didn’t have to write my recaps and enjoy shitting on their dull made-for-TV storylines, I would’ve stopped watching years ago but I endure the pain of sitting through an hour of vocal fry’s and the fight the urge to fall asleep each week to deliver you guys a shady analysis. You’re welcome.

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