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KUWTK Recap: Doggy Heaven

I took last week off due to my total exhaustion from moving, exams and life in general. While my wifi is shitty and I have boxes everywhere I sat through an entire dull Kardashian episode to bring you guys the shade and snark you lap up every week, but I hope the KUWTK shade of the week held you over for last week.

Immediately when the cold open was about Kris wanting Scott to get smaller earlobes, I knew this was going to be a rough episode. It was bad enough when Kris wanted to get her earlobes smaller for the sake of a storyline to fill an episode but now she wants an extended family member to jump on her same annoying bandwagon? Kill me now. If I wasn’t recapping this show for you guys I would definitely tap out of this show but I’m keeping up with the Kardashians so that you don’t have to. I’m really being a self-less for the masses, you’re welcome.

In this episode, we got a baby birth and a doggy funeral and I cared way more about Gabbana than I do about Kylie and her phantom baby. Everyone grew up with a family dog, Marley & Me style, that everyone loves and has their own relationship with. Gabbana has been a solid b-character since day one and although she hasn’t been married or transitioned, or even talked about most of the time it was always good to see her chasing a ball or jumping in the pool but I was a little surprised the producers were THAT short on footage that they used two flashbacks from the beginning of this episode after she died to commemorate their loss. She was chasing balls for ten years and you used the moment she was chasing a ball at the start of the episode as a flashback? Come on Kris, you can do better.

Khloe decided to finally put Gabbana down because she was 14 years old, couldn’t move and had cancer in her heart. If that wasn’t time to say goodbye I don’t know when would be. I don’t know if they had a family funeral but Kris and Khloe were sitting outside in black, either they came straight from a Sonja Morgan-esque doggy funeral or they wore matching black dresses to go with their mourning vibe, while Kim joined them with braids and a bra. Those braids are offensive, not because of the racial undertones just because of how they burn my eyes and soul every time I see them.

I view Kylie’s birth the same way I view the new OC Housewife Gina’s divorce: I don’t give a fuck. We all knew Kylie was pregnant, it wasn’t the best-kept secret of our generation, it was the worst and only rivals with Bruce’s transition or Kim’s nose job. EVERYONE KNEW! If we didn’t know about the divorce or see the behind the scenes journey behind it, why should we care? We weren’t involved in her pregnancy, we don’t know Travis and we didn’t even see the birth, so did this pregnancy even happen? Even the family members didn’t seem to care, it was like a distant cousin gave birth who your grandma compares you. We didn’t even see Kylie talk about the birth OR see the baby’s face. I’m not watching this show to see a teenage billionaire's baby from side on with a hoodie.

This is the reason this show is bad. They string us along with previews about Kylie’s baby or the girls fighting about nothing and then when the episode comes we sit through an hour of campy storylines and only see the segment we were waiting for at the end and it’s the exact same footage from the preview with nothing new. It’s exhausting, it’s a lie and frankly I’m over it. Hopefully E! pulls the plug next season because I don’t know if I can keep watching Kim “work out” in a full face of makeup and a platinum Cher wig pretending she didn’t know Kylie was giving birth when that footage was probably filmed three weeks after the fact. And the only thing I was thinking about during this entire episode was Stormy Daniels. I hope Kylie has hopes of her daughter getting ploughed on camera because she sure has set her up for that lifestyle.

Apart from a doggy death and a phantom’s baby’s birth, the only storyline left in this episode was Kourtney hating Kris. How is this a new revelation? Kourtney has been a bitch to Kris since the fucking pilot, this isn’t any new information. I’m not buying the bullshit that this new nazi of a therapist helped Kourt find her voice because she’s been calling her family members out with her vocal fry back in the days when Caitlyn had a penis and Rob saw the light of day. Therapists blaming everyone’s problems on their childhood isn’t anything new but Kourtney is nearly forty years old with a close-knit family, why is the therapist trying to poke holes in her relationship with them now and if she’s going to do it can she at least show her face on camera and make it a little more interesting.

Kris ended up crying to Kourtney about her hating her because she cheated when she was a child. Ughhhhh. Is this not the third time these two have had a conversation about this topic? Kourtney obviously liked her dad more after the divorce, that’s clearer than Corey Gamble’s woman hips but why are we still talking about this ten years in? Kourtney had a Beverly Hills rich kid life most people only dream of. They got cars on their sixteenth birthdays and had mansions, what the fuck is she complaining about? It would be one thing if Kourtney suddenly changed her position to Kris lately but she’s always been the same so this was nothing but a waste of fucking time. I’m so over these made up storylines but it is what it is.

Stormi was born in February and the Tristan drama went down in late March/early April, so we still have a while until the drama gets good and maybe these recaps will stop being a weekly Kardashian burn book.

Keeping Up With The Kardashians airs Sundays at 9/8c on E! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first family of reality TV.

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