RHOC Recap: Vacation Dick
Fresh from selling frozen fish on QVC Shannon decided to invite all the ladies over to her downsized 4000 square feet home to give them some more fancy food that she cooked all herself. Allegedly. Shannon is one of my all-time favourites but has there ever been a scene where she isn't complaining about something? This time Dr Moon's groupie was stressing out that she got home from QVC the day before and didn't have time to cook the food the way she wanted. Who gives a fuck? You just made a killing from selling people microwave food on TV so cook your beef and beans and call it a day.
In happier news, Tamra is out of her scooter and able to walk around without having to scoot her way around the OC. I've got to be honest, I'm gonna miss that scooter. It was the seventh Housewife and easily gave us more content than what Emily and Gina have put together. Let's hope Tamra falls down the stairs or has another drunken Mexico jacuzzi jumping spree because we need that scooter and we need it fast. All the ladies attended Shannon's lunch day and they all like each other or at least pretend to which is gross. No one threw a glass, no one called another person a bitch and no one was thrown out. What has happened to this show? We need another messy Kelly Dodd-esque casting pronto because aside from Emily threatening to kill someone the new girls haven't done much this season.
Speaking of the newbies, they still aren't really clicking with Shannon which is mostly due to Mrs Beador struggling to acknowledge their existences. As a normal human being, Shannon's approach to the other women is cunty. She gives them passive aggressive smiles, hugs them for a second and then complains about her ongoing divorce while they patiently wait for her to ask about their small children which is yet to happen. Does Shannon know they have kids? Does Shannon even know their last names? Probably not.
Yes, as a human being Shannon hasn't been great towards the two girls but this is reality TV we are talking about, why should Shannon waste her time and energy getting to know two new girls when she has milk in the fridge that will probably be around longer than them. She has a pattern of not liking the newbies from Meghan, Kelly, Peggy, Lydia and now these two so if they are lucky enough to get a second season maybe she'll decide to strike up a friendship with them which is fine but if she's going to not like them can she at least start an active beef and throw a plate at one of them instead of having boring fake scenes with them in the interim?
During the lunch, Gina cried on the couch, while Shannon gave zero fucks in the kitchen, because she doesn't want to be single, is scared she'll miss her in-laws and won't be able to go on vacation with her best friend due to their divorce. If Gina is so sad about all these things why can't she stay with her best friend who she still fucks and doesn't fight with? I don't get this divorce and I don't want to see her cry on a couch with blue eyeshadow about a divorce that isn't necessary. Obviously, SOMETHING went down in their marriage because two "best friends" with a healthy sex drive don't just divorce so until she's honest about why they are calling it quits, I'm not at all interested in hearing about it. However, I don't think Gina cared about never seeing her in-laws again as much as she did about the realisation she'll never get any vacation dick from her husband again.
Gina and her phantom husband were a HOT couple and the sex would've been like floating on a vibrating cloud while eating tater tots, especially on vacation because everyone knows sex is better when it's in a hotel bed in a tropical location. I sympathise with her about that loss but she should really stay in the relationship just for the vacation sex or at least set up some kind of friends with benefits situation. And one more thing, why is Gina staying at a different house away from Matt on the weekends when they are best friends? Shouldn't best friends be able to stay in the same house together? I believe that best friend shit as much as I believe The Little Bitch doesn't enjoy the company of other men.
The most offensive part of this episode wasn't Vicki's face but this group's poor acting skills. The Housewives "pretending" to plan a vacation is an inevitable cringe-worthy moment that occurs every single season but can't Bravo provide the ladies with free acting lessons or at least just let them be more honest about the process? The ladies all brainstormed vacation destinations to celebrate Shannon selling frozen fish on QVC and pretended the trip wasn't already paid in full. Finally, they settled on Jamaica which Emily's sister just coincidentally visited and even dropped the name of the hotel in full. Be better, Bravo. Seeing Kelly research the history of Jamaica like it was an eighth-grade presentation was hilarious and all she needed was a piece of poster paper and a PowerPoint presentation in the background to go with her alternative and semi-ignorant facts.
Emily still wants a baby girl with the nine embryos she has and The Little Bitch is still being true to his name. If Emily doesn't have a baby she is going to regret it for the rest of her life so why not? Never having another baby is more regrettable then choosing to have one, is The Little Bitch going to regret having another baby for the rest of his life? Of course not. Honestly, Emily needs to find herself a surrogate, get a turkey baster, shoot those fuckers up there and give Shane a nine-month surprise because he and his dry sense of humour aren't going to change his mind about having another child. Mormons love children so shouldn't Shane want to have a dozen children running around? What's one more kid and they have a nanny anyway so she's the only one in this situation who should be complaining about any future Simpson offspring.
Kelly also brought her daughter back to the soup kitchen and realised she never taught her to clean which was cute but how much can I write about a 12-year-old that doesn't know how to mop? Jolie is one of the best Housekids we have though, in a few years can we give her an orange?
Apart from Shanon hating the new girls, Tamra regaining the ability to walk, The Little Bitch acting like a little bitch and the group "planning" their Jamaica trip we got a really awkward scene with Vicki and her family. Ugh. Someone needs to bring Briana back to the OC or at least allow her to have a few cameos per season because Vicki's new family is just sad and even she knows it. Michael has hated the Bravo cameras (and his mother) since the show started 13 years ago and Steve's daughter and her boyfriend were about asdtry as Steve himself, however, the boyfriend was hot as fuck and I'm not sure if he's Persian but Bravo needs to get him on the next season of Shahs Of Sunset. Vicki still wants to get married, I still don't care and I don't think anyone on Michael's sad rooftop did either.
The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!