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KUWTK Recap: Calabasas Peaches

When the Kardashians have an entire episode about them playing sport you know the show has gone downhill. If I wanted to watch baseball I'd turn on ESPN, that is not why I'm watching this show. Due to Kris helping out a community centre for poor kids that was about to be shut down, the Kardashians came up with a bright idea to play a game of sport with the Jackson family and give the proceeds to the community centre. That's great. It's amazing. Mazel Tov. But I just can't find a fuck to give. In an overly scripted moment, the girls threw around sports to play which was probably filmed three weeks after the baseball game took place.

The most fucked up and almost scary part of this episode was Kim and Kourtney not knowing what dodgeball is. Either they were acting it up for the camera or they have just been missing out on a part of American culture for their entire existence. Did they not go to middle school? This is alarming and I hope they were just playing dumb for the cameras because I don't understand how these bitches have gotten to forty and still have no idea about a sport that everybody has heard of. How was this not a discussion? Out of anything the Kardashians have said in the last ten years on TV, not knowing what dodgeball is was the worst.

The Kardashians decided to play against the T wing of the Jackson family. When you hear the Jackson family you think of fame and fortune and it immediately sounds like A-list fame, but then you realise it's actually the extended family of one of the background Jackson Five members and the reality sets in that this family could've been nobody's from middle Americn and it wouldn't have made any difference. Kim also dated Tito's son TJ in high school and he was her first love (and first BBC), so I'm confused why they left the juiciest fact of the story out. Khloe couldn't play because she was pregnant, Kris "injured" herself during "practice" which left Kim and Kourtney as the only Kardashians in a team full of random hangers-on.

Why is it that every time there is a Kardashian family event, most of the team just consists of background makeup artists who got roped into filling in on their day off for the family members who couldn't be bothered showing up. I'm sure Rob needed the exercise. Kris brought A-Rod onto the field to get some hype but all he did was give a basic speech and present the Jackson's own family check at the end. I know A-Rod plays sport but the only relevance he has to me is being JLo's boyfriend, so I still don't really give a fuck. In the end, the T wing of the Jackson family won and I had zero fucks to give. The only real winners were the community centre who got some serious coin and Jonathan who got an extra fifteen minutes on TV as Kim's bitch who loves to stuff his face.

Speaking of the community centre, Kris hired a bunch of sponsors to donate to help build the youth centre that was about to be pulled down in exchange for more than obvious advertising on the show. When have we ever seen Kris walk around in a full Adidas tracksuit when the company wasn't paying to build the centre. Yes, it’s a sad issue but I just don’t care. It’s great that the Kardashians are using their fame for good but this isn’t what we watch the Kardashians for. Who gives a shit? I’d rather see Caitlyn talk about masturbating with her new vagina than this dribble. The community centre turned out great and it was yet another charity activity checked off the Kardashians list for good PR.

The last storyline left in this episode was the annoying Art Vandalay bullshit. One of the questions that keep me up at night is if Kris Jenner ever found out the truth about the Art Vandalay scheme or if she found out through watching the show but we finally have the truth. I didn't care about Khloe and Scott hiring a pretend artist and painting fake paintings to sell to Kris to get back at her for being an art snob when it happened, so I definitely don't give a single fuck countless weeks later. In the end, Khloe and Scott took the faux Art Vandalay and Kris out to Nobu to finally reveal to her the news that they were tricking her the entire time. Kris Jenner is a worse actress than a 70s pornstar so there is a 0% that she wasn't in on this scheme. It was an anticlimactic conclusion and the only one who got anything out of this was Richard AKA Art Vandalay who got a free Nobu feed.

The most interesting and compelling part of this episode was easily Kim's dream about North being missing. In Kim's dream which she recounted for the cameras, she discovered North was missing and yelled at her family for not helping her look for her daughter, only to find her passed out drunk with Penelope and a homeless guy in the front yard of her Calabasas compound.

I'm screaming.

My mouth hit the fucking floor and I am stunned/obsessed/frightened/delighted with this dream and we definitely need a spinoff on this and any future dreams. Maybe we can get our own cartoon Disney show about it? How sad is it that my favourite part of the episode was a made up dream we didn't even get to see? Sigh. I thought the Tristan drama was set to air next week but the show is off until October 28th (thank God) and we probably won't get to see the Tristan scandal until November 4th if we are lucky. Kill me now.

Keeping Up With The Kardashians airs Sundays at 9/8c on E! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first family of reality TV.

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