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Below Deck Recap: Hunchback Of My Seanna

Just like Jersey Shore, my usual recapper for Below Deck has moved onto bigger and better things so I've stepped up to discuss all things My Seanna. This is the first season of the show I've watched and it's not my favourite Bravo show on offer but it's nice to have on in the background when you're multitasking. It's not appointment TV like the Housewives so you can do your nails, pay bills, cook dinner and still have it playing on the TV.

The high-tech Instagram obsessed Asians are still enjoying their very expensive trip through their iPhones and I'm ready to kill myself. Can't they just live in the moment instead of living for the rest of the world's Instagram feeds because nobody cares. Are you really going to dedicate your entire trip to taking 1560 photos which someone is going to spend 30 seconds looking at? And who is following these people anyway? Ugh. The primary was also a little bit of a nymphomaniac which is always entertaining, the producers should've explored that storyline rather than the group's social media obsession.

Chandler sucks. I don't know if I've ever disliked a man this much on Bravo. Who the fuck am I kidding? Of course I have, but he's the man I hated most tonight. The Instagram savants wanted to go fishing and in an ego power play, he denied Rhylee, the trained fisher, the right to lead the fishing trip. All he's done all season is reprimand her in an asshole monotone way and not letting her take the guests fishing was another patriarchal fuck you.

Chandler, whose parents are obviously Friends fans, is trying his hardest to get Rhylee to quit but the redhead and her colourful body tattoos are from Alaska. She's a fighter and she's not going to let a closeted asshole get to her. He has no respect for women and whenever she asks him a simple question he rolls his eyes and acts as if she asked him how to perform brain surgery, in a year of #MeToo, the world has no more room for misogynistic assholes.

The wannabe Friends star not only deliberately didn't allow the fisherman to go fishing but he also didn't notify Captain Lee he was leaving the boats with guests. That's a major safety issue and it only makes Lee see him as the prick he is. On the second day of the charter, he also left the yacht with no deck crew on the boat. Four deck crew members didn't need to sit around and watch the guests eat sushi on a beach, he should delegate his roles better and actually be a fucking leader. He even knew his people should've been on the boat but just sat there eating an energy bar.

Chandler sucks at his job and it's almost like he's trying to get Captain Lee pissed off at this point. He can be an asshole to Rhylee or he can be a fuck up, he can't be both. It would be one thing if he yelled at her if he was good at his job but he's blaming her for things all the time and he's fucking up more than she is. Someone also needs to let him know that the scarf on his face isn't cute. He's not cute anyway but the scarf isn't helping matters.

Captain Lee ended up talking to Chandler about being a fuck up where he didn't take any responsibility for being a terrible leader and just blamed it all on his deck crew after. Even the fucking captain knew Rhylee should've been on the fishing boat, this is probably the second chat Lee has had with Chandler and nothing ever changes. He needs to start making schedules for his crew, planning the days out and making sure everyone gets the right amount of breaks because he's the only one getting any sleep and the entire fuckery that is this year's deck crew is his fault.

Chandler looks like a thin young version of David from 90 Day Fiance and when you see the comparison in your head once it's not gonna leave. He looks like the type of douchebag guy who would've gang-raped a girl at a frat party in college with all his rich friends and his dad paid off the girl's family to keep her quiet, Chandler fucking sucks and if enough people cared about him I'd make him Shade of the Week, but I don't think anyone gives a fuck about the cunt of a bosun.

Apart from Chandler being a horrible human being, not much happened on this episode. Caroline is still limping around like Quasimodo which I can relate to because last week I cut my foot open on a rock in a drunken dance routine. It wasn't my finest moment. But I know the struggle of having a foot that feels like a bag of dicks to walk on, Kate is the best part of this show but her and Josiah are definitely Mean-Girling Caroline, she's like the socially awkward freshmen you don't want to hang around but your parents are friends so you have to be nice when you see her at school.

I feel for Caroline but can she at least put a sock on her swollen foot because it's hard to look at, I hate looking at feet on a good day let along when it looks like an infected balloon. Kate said if the foot is still fucked up in two days she's off the boat so Caroline better work through the pain if she wants to keep her ass on reality TV. I'd have a cocktail of Xanax and vodka for my foot if it meant I could have 5 more episodes on a reality show, this is her moment and she can't fuck it up from a weird injury which has turned her into the Hunchback of My Seanna.

We already saw the Asian tech guy open his bedroom door naked, leave a used condom on the nightstand and now we got to see him fuck his girlfriend on the security camera footage. I'm not sure if the dick went in her vagina but she was definitely giving him a blowjob. He's rich so Little Miss Instagram needs to lock him down now, marry him, reject a prenup and take half his money, so if she needs to suck his dick on a crows nest of a luxury boat then she needs to suck his dick on a crows nest of a luxury boat. There are worse places to suck dick. I just wish we got better footage of their late night romp because the Bravo cameras should've been up there in 45 seconds to film their fuck session.

Finally, after the tech enthusiasts left the boat the crew went out to a bar and got absolutely shit faced. They always turn up at the club but this cast definitely had more than alcohol because they were more fucked than Tristan Thompson when his cheating ways were exposed. Ashton was zipper fucking any bitch he could find in the club, Kate was acting like a slobby mess in the cab and everyone's eyes were glazing over as if they'd just all done LSD or something. Good for them if they wanted to do some of the local Tahitian drugs but I just want to know what it was.

After clubbing everyone was wrecked when they got back to the boat and Ashton ventured into Rhylee's room in the middle of the night to make out with and maybe finger her in a drunken haze. I'm not 100% if he digitised her red carpet but his hand was definitely doing something to her nether regions. However, Rhylee obviously wasn't in the mood to get fucked in a bunk bed so she made Ashton go to his own room and go to bed. You know you are fucked when you fall asleep with jeans on and it was one of those nights for Ashton.

Below Deck airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!

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