top of page

RHONJ Premiere Recap: Paterson Dolores

Jersey has been on a decline for the last few seasons and I was not excited to spend my Wednesday nights with these bitches, however, based on the trailer, the premiere episode and Andy Cohen’s Twitter, this season looks like it’s going to be incredible and I’m so excited to delve back into the Jersey mess full of meatballs and family drama. We began with a flash forward of what we can expect from Teresa and Melissa’s fighting this season.

The new girl Jackie had to listen to Melissa talk about her past with Teresa and pretend she hadn’t seen very single Jersey episode ever produced before the producers gave us flashbacks of the iconic Gorga/Giudice feud and all the violence it came with. We are never going to get those days back but I guess Tre being messy towards Joe about their father this season will have to suffice.

The production quality is much higher this year and it feels like an A-grade Housewives show, the editing is more crisp and they obviously flew some new producers in to save this show. Everything just feels fresh which is a great feeling in a show that's been staler than an old piece of bread. One of the first things we saw this season was The Marge rolling around naked in her bed with her husband and smudged makeup on her face. I don't know what I'm more surprised about, that we are seeing people over 50 naked on TV or that she doesn't have pigtails. I love Margaret and she's the breath of fresh air this show needed but I'll never understand why we needed to see her and Joe shower on TV. Is it weird that I want their naked morning routine to become a stable on the show? I still haven't recovered from Marge joking about her husband creaming on top - of her coffee.

In other Marge news, the house still isn't renovated, she has a new bob look and she wants to get rid of her turkey neck but her vertically challenged husband won't allow it. Honestly, the two Marges should just get matching mother/daughter facelifts and call it a day, plus if they get on them TV they'll get a huge discount, which is a massive incentive to join reality TV. Normally I hate the vaginal rejuvenation storyline because it's been overdone on every single reality show from the dawn of time, however, Marge Sr could do an Instagram live of her eating and I'd still be fascinated. This woman can do no wrong and she's the horniest 71-year-old I've ever seen, she definitely has more sex than this entire cast and I feel like her and Joe Gorga would get on like a brothel on fire.

Magaret is a perfect Housewife because she's in on the joke, goes with the flow, is naturally funny and has a brain, which is something Jersey hasn't had in a while apart from Dolores. Speaking of my other favourite Jersey Housewife, Dolores is still dating her absentee doctor boo and suffering from empty nest syndrome. Honestly, she needs to dump the doctor and just start dating Frank again because she needs a man who can see her more than once a week. I hope she has a vibrator.

Yeah, Frank may have cheated on her and broken all her trust but they already live together and he seems like he'd know how to fuck her good, he's had enough experience. The ex-couple are now flipping houses together which sounds like an HGTV show waiting to happen. Can we get the Catanias a spinoff? Dolores is lonely and her relationship with Frank keeps her happy, I love what they have together and it's nobody's business but their own.

Someone who doesn't know how to ever mind their own business is Danielle Staub and her prostitution whore ways. Danielle is so thirsty to be a full-time cast member she'll do anything to get more camera time. She's a messy bitch and she's starting this season off with a bang by talking about Frank being disbarred as an attorney. I didn't even know he was a lawyer, I thought he just owned gyms and stuff so that was more surprising than the disbarment. Danielle has been running all over Jersey talking trash about him being his disbarred to all the ladies, but no one would even engaged with her in the subject, so Tre told Dolores who responded in the perfect way calling Danielle a fuckface, a fucking nut, a troublemaker and a wackadoo. All of which are true.

The producers hate Danielle so much they didn't even give her the respect of letting her shit talking scene make it to air, they just saved it for a flashback and let Dolores' reaction take the full scene. It's shady as fuck but the less I have to see Danielle Staub and her very dark hair on my screen, the better. Dolores was pissed because in Italian law you don't ask about people's business, which explains the total dissolution of Jacqueline and Teresa's friendship. Obviously, Jac didn't get that memo either. Dolores is obviously pissed that the disbarment is now a subject on the show all because Danielle is a messy bitch who's thirsty for more screen time. I'm just hoping we get Paterson Dolores at least once this season because I don't feel whole without it, but until then we're stuck with Franklin Lakes Dolores. Miss Catania was a prison guard in a MEN'S prison, she's not the one on this show to fuck with.

Just like last year, the premiere party was Melissa's birthday party. She claimed Siggy wasn't invited because she just got too much for her but we all know it's because Soggy left the show. I'll miss her but this show turned her into a psycho and she's definitely better off without it. The birthday party took place at RHONJ hotspot Rails which is always refreshing to see, it's The Quiet Woman of the Garden State.

I forgot to talk about Teresa but I really can't find a fuck to give about her bodybuilding storyline. If she wants to fake tan and copy Tamra Judge's already used storyline, good for her but I don't want to see her complain about not drinking or being able to eat actual food. She may be the star of the show but I am so tired of Teresa Giudice and her confessionals which just sound like she's reading like a third grader from the cue cards that the producer wrote for her. Nothing feels real with her and the ombre hair looks like it's three seconds away from falling off.

Melissa's party was alright. There was no drama and by usual Housewives standards there were only 8 other people in the room but I guess they had a fun time. That's a lie, the only person having fun was Melissa because she was shitfaced and everyone else had to awkwardly laugh along in front of the cameras.

We met the two new girls in passing, Jackie is blonde and Jewish with a couple of kids and I can already see her climbing into Melissa's rectum. She seems very happy to be on camera and had to keep pretending she didn't know the backstory behind any of their relationships when we all know she's binged the show since day one. The other newbie was Jennifer who looks like Jacqueline Laurita 2.0, they probably go to the same doctor. All we know about her is that her voice is annoying, she's Turkish and was set to have an arranged marriage before she met her husband who's now a plastic surgeon - who Dolores worked for. Where hasn't Dolores worked?

Honestly, Bravo didn't give us the introduction package on either of the new girls, so I guess that's coming next week because I don't have strong opinions on either one them just yet. Danielle and her long-suffering fiance arrived at the party, which led us to believe Paterson Dolores could come out and drag the prostitution whore's very dark hair across the floor but Dolores did the responsible thing and didn't give Danielle the fight she wanted. Normally I want Housewives to fight at all costs, however, I rather see Danielle Staub disappointed more. She'd wants a fight with Dolores and probably wishes she'd get punched in the face if it meant she could have a larger role on the show.

In the end, Drunk Melissa cut her cake and Danielle threw a piece in Joe Gorga's face for attention. You could see the clogs in her brain moving thinking it would become a gif-able moment, but all it did was cause a mess for the cleaners and leave Joe with white stuff on his face, something he may or may not be used to.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the craziest ladies in Jersey.

bottom of page