RHOC Finale Recap: It's About Shannon
I know I've complained for most of the season about nothing happening on this show but I'm being serious when I say there's nothing of substance to even write about for this recap. I'm glad it's the finale so we can finally put this season to bed but I'm also disappointed looking back at this very rough season we had to endure. This episode needed a lot more Kelly and less of Gina's sad little casita.
Shannon tried to ram her veggie burgers down her daughter's throats which looked drier than the Little Bitch's personality. The whole concept for Shannon's QVC food line confuses me, do people really need to order microwave food from the TV because I'm pretty sure they can drive down the street and walk into a Walmart without waiting weeks for the food to arrive. Those burgers were rough to see and I felt bad for the daughter's who had to smile and choke that shit down. Sophie asked Shannon if she could go on birth control for her cramps and acne and I think we can all guess how Shannon Storms responded. Maybe Shannon needs to go on the pill to level her out? Or is she already post menstrual? Teenage girls love to take birth control to help their skin and period pains but it also doesn't hurt to make sure you can have sex without him needing to pull out.
Tamra went over to Gina's sad casita and had to pretend to like it. I'm sick of Gina calling it a casita, it's just a little house that looks like a dorm room and has way too many throw pillows. Seriously, did she just go fucking crazy at Bed, Bath and Beyond? Now we know where her RHOC salary is going because it's definitely not towards a makeup artist. No shade, because she is a beautiful girl but her eyeshadow was hard to swallow. Like those burgers. Tamra and Gina made up. I think? To be completely honest I tuned out, which is symbolic of this entire season, I just can't find a fuck to give. However, while Tamra and Gina discussed their Beador problem, I think I may have finally cracked the code on why Gina got divorced and it makes so much sense.
I don't want to have a repeat of the whole Vicki vs Tamra feud and accuse anybody of anything but maybe Matt is gay? Stay with me on this. It makes sense why "things just weren't working" between them. They weren't working because he likes dick and that's why she couldn't give us an exact answer as to why they were getting divorced. He's an attractive, muscular, well-groomed guy who was probably living his life with a Grinder profile in WeHo while Gina was taking care of the kids in the OC. It makes sense why she wasn't angry towards him and wanted to remain friends but was still sad about the situation at the same time. She can't be mad at him for being gay, but she can be upset that her marriage is over and those were her exact emotions towards him. Maybe he's not gay but the puzzle pieces are definitely coming together. The only thing the gay theory doesn't explain is why they still have sex, however, maybe he's just horny? A hole's a hole.
Emily's mother Carolyn came to the OC for the first time in five years with one of Gina's wide-brimmed hats after she hadn't left her house in a year. The scenes with Carolyn were dark because we already know the insane effects their relationship has had on Emily due to her mother's mental illness. It was jarring seeing her cry about wanting to be better and I think it definitely opened people's eyes on mental health and how families are affected by it in different ways. It was tough to see her grandchildren not really having any affection towards her but I hope for Emily and her mother's sake that they do become closer and that she starts leaving her house regularly again. My main takeaway from Emily's mother's visit is that Shane still sucks. He greeted her with zero emotion and constantly looks like he wants to die at any and all times. Emily deserves better than that Little Bitch of a husband she has.
For this year's finale party Emily who is a lawyer by day and party planner by night decided to throw a Femme Fatale party to celebrate women on Mother's Day. Um. I like the idea of women empowerment and coming together to celebrate the power of the pussy but it's probably not the best idea to run around with leather, whips and corsets at 5pm when your mother is present. Nothing happened at the party. Nothing.
It looked like it would've been fun if you were Kelly and had enough vodka in your system but from an entertainment standpoint, it was bleaker than the two little things on this show: Gina's casita and Shane. Few people hate things as much as Eddie Judge seems to hate being on camera and conversing with Shannon Beador. Every scene he's in you can tell Tamra had to bribe him with a blowjob to film it but I'm not even sure if she can offer him fellatio because of his heart problem. Maybe his lack of nutting is why he's so fed up with everything this season, but I guess being in a confined space with Shannon also doesn't help things.
Emily's little mother-in-law, Budget Mama Elsa, "thought" Eddie was Tamra's son. Um. They're only five years apart, Tamra does not look old enough to have given birth to her husband and Eddie is Mexican, he doesn't look like either of Tamra's sons at all, so there isn't any way of justifying what the little lady had to say. Budget Mama Elsa was looking for a moment to be funny but it fell flat. This definitely colours Tamra and Emily's social media feud in a completely different light. Apart from Emily's mother-in-law trying to make a gif-able moment the only other topic of discussion was Shannon and her feud with the new girls. She spoke to Gina about her weird game of telephone and questioned Emily about her comparing her to her mentally ill mother, but they both made up with her. Well, making up is a loose term. They just kind of agreed to stop talking about it and try to move on but as soon as those cameras went down Shannon definitely forgot both those women's names.
The conflict of this episode was minimal and not even interesting. It wasn't compelling, it wasn't dramatic, it was just awkward because you could tell none of the women actually gave a fuck about what they were talking about but had to resolve it in front of the cameras. After the lacklustre confrontation, Shannon changed into her Bret Michaels costume to go to a concert, she looked like a butch bikie chick and I was all the way there for it. Seeing Shannon leave the party at 6.45 definitely showed how much she cared about this show and having to fake some kind of relationship with the two new girls, Shannon is checked out and ever since her Jamacia blow up I can't look at her the same way.
My highlight of the episode was Kelly Dodd bragging about her date's penis calling him Big Dick Daddy from Cincinnati and saying he has a PhD. Pretty Huge Dick. And judging from his bashful face I think Kelly is a pretty lucky girl. Kelly's bad sex jokes immediately save any episode and we definitely needed her this year.
Once the feng shui enthusiast left the party, the sad finale music started playing the same way it has for the last twelve seasons and although it was a rough ride, hearing the creepy retro 90s guitar music brought all the nostalgic OC memories back to me from Tamra throwing wine in Jeana's face to Vicki faking cancer. I sincerely hope all the ladies learned from this disappointing season and come back to PLAY next year, if not, I have no idea where we can go from here because ending the season with Emily, Gina and her coochie fighting in a pool while wearing leather was a dark note to end on.
The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Sunday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!