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Below Deck Recap: Glorified Asswipe

Holy shit this show is exceptional television.

Just when you think this show can't get any better because the crew couldn't possibly get any worse, two charter guests get injured in one episode, one of which is a four-year-old child who likes his steak medium rare. The crew fucking up on this show translates to amazing TV and due to the incompetent bosun and a slightly mentally unstable third stew this show has a five-star rating, they may not have gotten five stars from the guests but they are definitely getting it from all the viewers at home.

We opened with Captain Lee having a stern talk to the deck crew but like usual nothing changed and Chandler is still around to wreak havoc and have zero control over his team. After the meeting, the product of Friends fans did what he always does, blame everyone else for his lack of leadership. If everyone had a schudele, knew what they needed to do and had even a vague idea of what the fuck is going on, then there wouldn't be anymore fuck ups and Chandler is the person who needs to make sure all those things happen. He is the motherfucking bosun of this yacht and he's performing on the same level as Caroline. He can't blame the others for not taking the supplies out of the boat because HE should've been on the boat to begin with.

The producers flashed us from one failing employee to another: Caroline. I have a soft spot for her because she has a weird girl nextdoor charm, however, she always seems like she could definitely channel her inner Single White Female in eighty-three seconds. Everybody has a tick and Caroline's is a bit more obvious. Can anyone else picture her living in her basement with a lifetime supply of canned soup because she believes in some alien conspiracy theory? What I'm trying to say is that she's not all there, which is optimal for a reality TV star but not a crew member of a luxury yacht. She's useless. She can't make drinks, keep the laundry clean or do anything that her job entails. Caroline sucks more at her job than Chandler tries to metaphorically suck Captain Lee's dick.

All the charter guests planned a nice Tahitian dinner on the beach and the drama, of course, started before the deck crew even got the supplies there. Rhylee and Chandler started arguing about drop towels where he was being his typical condescending self. Rhylee only has to say one word to make Chandler roll his eyes and dismiss her which is unprofessional and rude. No, Rhylee shouldn't yell when the charter guests are one floor above them but Chandler shouldn't be a disrespectful, misogynistic asshole who speaks to her like she IS a fucking drop towel. We've never seen him speak to Ashton or Ross the way he speaks to Rhylee and he's obviously just an entitled, privileged, private school boy who ganged rape girls in college and got his rich daddy to pay the family to keep quiet. As much as his fuckery is driving the show's plot right now, I'm ready for Chandler and his weird face scarf to walk overboard.

After arriving an hour late to the luau location, Chandler helped the guests off the boat and dropped one on her face on a concrete landing. What the actual fuck. Everyone else was being carried onto the sand so why would he take one of the guests to a slippery, algae-covered concrete walking strip? Does he have no common sense at all? I'm just wondering because I don't see the logic in making someone walk on a slippery surface when there is sand two inches next to it. Maybe Chandler was born without a brain? I'm just guessing because there's no other reason to exaplain his complete and utter lack of intelligence. It would be one thing if Chandler was bad at his job, however, he's a terrible bosun AND an asshole. You can be one but you cannot be both.

Following a guest falling on her face, everyone ate dinner at the luau while the deck crew went back to the boat before the sunset due to the very shallow reefs which would have popped the boat and just left the injured charter guest there without any medical attention (or an apology) and Kate and Josiah to clean up everything on there own. Could they have not let one deck crew member hang back to help with the massive clean up? Back at the boat, Caroline was making drinks for the guests to have once they returned, making drinks is a loose term considering all she had to do was pour champagne from a bottle into glasses and carry them to the front of the boat. Like usual, Caroline can't complete a task without fucking something up so she dropped one glass on the floor right in front of the stairway the guests had to walk up.

I'll never know how and why she only managed to break one of the glasses and leave the rest of them sitting on the table. How does that happen? Wouldn't the entire tray fall down? Maybe there was some producer intervention we didn't get to see because nothing else makes sense. Seeing Caroline run around trying to find something to clean the broken glass juxtaposed to the guests walking into the glass was literally like watching a car crash. You know the situation is going to end in a complete clusterfuck but you cannot help from eating your popcorn while it is happening. The four-year-old medium rare steak consumer, Master Pierson, started "bweeding" from the broken glass. Now, Caroline shouldn't have been a dumb bitch and dropped anything on the floor, however, that cut was smaller than an ants dick. It stopped "bweeding" before he got a band-aid onto it and was running around three minutes later, it's not like the kid lost a toe.

From this point on everybody just had to accept the fact that this entire charter was more fucked up than Charlie Sheen's nostrils in 2011. The primary started making his own drinks, the girl who Chandler injured bandaged up her own wounds and Kate made all the deck crew do the interior's job sdue to them not only dropping guests but dropping the ball. Once Chandler saw the girl he dropped again she wanted an apology, instead of just uttering a simple "I'm sorry," he started justifying and defending himself. Is Mr Bing serious? If you are an employee on a luxury yacht the customer is ALWAYS right, especially when you're the one who injured the customer. You don't defend yourself, you apologise profusely and get them a drink to hopefully make them forget about your fuck up, something tells me Chandler would've handled the situation differently if it were a man.

The deck crew started cleaning dishes and folding laundry for Kate, who rules her crew with a sassy yet iron fist, which is exactly the type of leader the deck crew need. Can we get rid of Chandler and hire a male Kate Chastain because that would alleviate all of the crew's problems. Once everybody went to bed, it was just Chandler who was left to clean up the mess and instead of actually, you know, cleaning, he wanted to eat ice cream. ICE CREAM. Kate asked him to place leftovers into containers and he was worrying about thawing out some ice cream. When Kate told him to do his job and worry about the frozen food later he wouldn't let it ago and literally had a tantrum about her refusing to give him ice cream. He's such an egomaniac and won't allow a woman to tell him what to do, if Kate had a penis he definitely wouldn't have clapped back towards her, made such an ordeal over ice cream and called her a glorified housekeeper.

My blood has never boiled as much as it did when he referred to Kate as a glorified housekeeper. Um. Does he realise who he is speaking about? The entire reason he had to do the interior job was because he fucked up at doing his own. The "glorified housekeepers" Kate and Josiah, are the only people doing anything of substance on this boat. They have to pick up the slack of Caroline and Chandler's poor leadership as well as doing their own jobs, to begin with.

I'm sorry that Kate isn't having petty misogynistic fights with Rhylee about drop towels and spending hours on end taking water toys out of the boat but she is a whole lot more than a "glorified housekeeper" and Chandler's dumb comments shaded themselves. His comments about Kate only further proved his sexist ways because I think we could all agree Kate is not only doing more than Chandler but has a harder job anyway. How does he think he is working hard? Does Chandler not recognise his fuck ups? According to the entitled twat, Kate may be a glorified housekeeper but he is a glorified house dog who still pisses inside the house. Asswipe.

Below Deck airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!

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