RHONJ Recap: OklaHOEma
Housewives trips to the country are always the worst because we have to hear six women and their hair extensions act like high maintenance city girls, complain about mosquitos and bring an insane amount of inappropriate luggage to a farm. You have great accomodation and you're getting paid to be there, so shut the fuck up and keep it moving. The producer’s hatred towards Danielle Staub was pretty evident when she didn’t even receive an invite on the trip and Marge had to blame it on “wedding planning.” I’m pretty sure she could miss two days of planning, but I guess that’s the excuse Bravo wants to go with.
Oklahoma was a weird choice of vacation for this group considering most of them couldn’t point it out on a map, but it’s good to have something different and it was an actual genuine connection on Margaret’s behalf. All the girls stayed at Marge’s friend Polly’s house which looked like a Game Of Thrones farmhouse, it was cute and homey even if someone had to sleep in a trailer out the back. Of course, the usual squabble for rooms commenced between the women as soon as they arrived in the Oklahoma compound, which is always the moment when you can separate the assholes from the reasonably good people.
Dolores decided to take the camper, which actually looked better than some of the rooms and was pretty big. She’s getting paid to sleep in an RV for two nights, I can’t be that bad and Dolores Catania is the least problematic person on this cast. On the other hand, the new girl Jennifer, who looks like a low rent Jacqueline Laurita, complained about anything she could find and tried her hardest to be a high maintenance city girl which was more annoying than hearing Teresa make a scripted sex joke about Juicy Joe’s cum. Jennifer is the worst kind of Housewife, she doesn’t have good sense of humour, she complains about everything, tries to one up everyone and brags about her wealth in her very annoying voice. I don’t know what it is but Jennifer’s voice sounded like a valley girl choking on a lip stick.
I know this is only the third episode we’ve known Jacqueline Laurita 2.0, but her asshole husband and tendency to try and be as extra as she can possibly be in front of the cameras is exhausting. Her obsession with Chanel also made her look tacky as fuck. Yes, Chanel is a beautiful brand but when you wear shiny Chanel earrings with a matching necklaces and dozens of bulky purses than it’s too much. I feel like this woman needs to go to Chanelolics Anonymous, or maybe just try and not flaunt her wealth. I can’t wait for her to fall in cow shit, because it’s always the most annoying girls who get fucked over by animals.
Apart from the beginning of what I know will be my deep hatred for the budget Jacqueline, we also saw the escalation in the latest Teresa and Melissa feud. I don’t care. I don’t know if there’s anything I’ve cared about less than seeing these two sister-in-laws fight about something so stupid, like whether or not Joe sees his dad. Last week, I was shocked to find myself on Teresa’s because Joe should see his father, especially after their mother’s death last year, but due Tre’s total lack of intelligence and tendency to treat Melissa like trash, I’m back on #TeamGorga. If Teresa has a problem with her brother then the one person she needs to be talking to is, her brother. Why involve Melissa? For a storyline perhaps? I understand this show is dying faster than an ant in water but reviving this Gorga/Giudice feud was not the way to save this franchise.
Joe Gorga could cough and Teresa would find a way to blame Melissa. According to the wannabe body builder, it’s Melissa’s fault that Joe doesn’t see his father because when he’s with her he doesn’t see his dad. It’s Melissa’s fault she and Joe went on a vacation on the anniversary of their mother’s death. It’s Melissa’s fault Joe doesn’t see his dad because if she told him to see him then he would. What the fuck? Has Teresa not been watching the same show for the last seven seasons? Joe never listens to his wife and has bought various businesses without her knowledge and doesn’t consult her on anything. Joe has an old school mentality of the man being the head of the house, so why would he listen to his wife? Melissa has no control over her husband and for Teresa to claim she has control over Joe Giudice is ridiculous. Did she forget how she blamed him for sending her to prison for an entire season? If she controlled her husband’s shady business deals then she wouldn’t have ended up in prison, unless she was complicit the entire time.
Of course, this topic was discussed on the trip when Teresa brought it up to obviously be messy. Was it the best idea for them to plan a trip on the anniversary of their mother’s death? Fuck no. If I was Teresa I would’ve wanted to spend the day with my brother too and that was misstep on their behalf, but Tre should’ve confronted Joe about it when it happened inside of bottling it up, waiting for the show to start filming and then whispering it in Dolores’ ear. We all know I have a deep love for Dolores Catania and she can do no wrong in my eyes but I would’ve thought she knew better than to get in-between an angry Teresa and Melissa, I love Dolores but when the Gorgas start yelling she needs to sit back and start counting sheep. She knows this, she’s been living in this zoo longer than anyone.
Teresa and Melissa never really resolved their issues but just put it to the side for a later date. It’s not Melissa’s issue, it’s the Gorga siblings and she needs to be kept out of their problems in the future. Obviously this will never happen because Teresa loves to blame her for anything bad that happens in their family but nothing Teresa needs to confront her issues with her brother and stop trying to reinvent this tired storyline. Also, ]why does Bravo need to show us flashbacks of the epic Gorga/Giudice war every time it’s slightly mentioned. We all remember the Christening, the Lake George brawl and StripperGate, we don’t need a theatrical reminder every time Melissa talks about her “PTSD” in a confessional.
In the process of the Teresa/Melissa feud, each new girl crawled up one of their assholes. I understand there’s always “teams” in Jersey but could the newbies have waited 85 seconds before picking a side in this family war? The new Jew Jackie has some kind of girl crush on Melissa because she was following her around all day and then went on to defend her to Teresa. She obviously needs to be relevant and try to make some kind of action happen to ensure she’ll stay on the show, but getting in the middle of this beef is only going to end in her being collateral damage, just ask Jacqueline Laurita. She also opened up about her eating disorder in this episode which was a way to make everyone feel connected with her and could possibly help viewers at home but it was in the most disingenuous way possible, she was obviously waiting for the subject of food to be brought up in any form so she could take about how she weighed her food. Although it was sad she had my favourite line in the episode and it probably should’ve been her tagline: “On the outside I looked like a confident strong woman but on the inside I couldn’t eat a bowl of soup.”
Neither of the newbies are really impressing me yet, especially because they are both doing the most to try and keep the Teresa/Melissa feud going. The new Jew has a likeable energy which I enjoy, however, the Turkish Jacqueline Laurita and her fake Chanel are not doing it for me. Andy Cohen talked this season up so much and although I’m somewhat enjoying it, it’s not New York good. Hopefully this season picks up in the next few episodes because I can’t rely on my love of Margaret and her sex jokes to get me through this season.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the craziest ladies in Jersey.