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KUWTK Recap: Pickleball

This show is honestly background noise at this point. All the Kardashians do is sit on their phone on camera and don't even bother to make eye contact while talking to each other, so I gave them the same respect by scrolling through my Instagram feed and checking my emails during this entire episode. It's not appointment TV, I'm watching and recapping for you guys because this show is dead in the water, but it's fun to shit on them flapping around like dead fish trying to make something happen.

Like usual, this episode followed the standard three storyline format and all of which had the potential to be entertaining, but the Kardashians are so tired and dull at this point there was nothing to even happen. It's like they forgot what entertainment is. I have THREE shows to recap tonight thanks to Bravo moving RHOC to Sundays to act as a lead-in for their new obsession Dirty John, so writing about the Kardashians is at the bottom of the list of things I want to do. Ugh. Kill me now.

Kourtney went to Washington because she wants clean makeup? I guess? Obviously, the FDA or whatever is putting harmful and toxic chemicals into beauty products and Kourt went to Washington DC to try and make a difference. It's great that she cares about something other than herself and her children but I don't want to see Kardashians being political. It's annoying. Politics is of no interest to me and I don't care where you swing on the political spectrum but seeing reality stars try and become political figures is exhausting to me.

Stay in your lane and stick to selling Flat Tummy Tea on Instagram because all these political activism storylines are so fucking boring to watch. Yeah, they may be helping people but I'm not watching the Kardashians to see them be UN ambassadors. I don't even know the reason I'm watching anymore. Obligation?

In the end, Kourtney went to Washington to help with some campaign to make sure your moisturiser doesn't have lead in it but didn't realise she was the spokesperson for the entire campaign. Did she not check her email? Why else did Kourtney think they wanted her to go to Washington, for her brains? They needed a celebrity presence to push the agenda and get attention for the issue and that's the one and only reason Kourtney was asked to come. Of course, we had to follow the usual routine of her hating public speaking and then doing a great job anyway. Kourtney always seems dead inside. She looks emotionless at all times and couldn't even manage to crack a smile while talking in front of the entire Senate. Her vocal fry is too much and I can't believe a Valley Girl who sounds like an empty packet of Oreos was allowed to address our government. A mess.

While Kourtney and her soulless vocal fry tried to advocate for change so she can wash her face in an organic way, Kim tried to prove she was a ball of fun in her 20s through flashbacks to her at nightclubs in 2007 and stories of her past drug use. The only takeaways I got from this storyline was that Kim did ecstasy when she got married and while she was shooting her sex tape which is the perfect example of why not to do drugs for the younger generation. Or, is the perfect example of why one should do ecstasy and then film themselves getting ploughed? Kim got millions of dollars and became a household name from lying on the floor with a BBC inside her and I'm sure wannabe THOTS everywhere are going to go out and start popping pills to try and achieve the same outcome.

To try and prove she's still fun, Kim took her high school friends to a Cher concert in Vegas, which is what I would expect as a friend of Kim Kardashian's. If she wasn't taking me to exotic concerts on her private jet, that would be a problem. The producers tried to make this trip exciting by giving the friends nicknames like this was the Hangover but I can't even remember their real names let alone their roles in the group. The only good part of this season was seeing Cher. She's an icon for the ages and I would prefer E! just replace this stupid show with a weekly live stream of Cher just ranting about the world's events and asking her assistant how to use the camera on her iPhone. Cher can make anything entertaining, even this shit show.

After the performance, Kim and her high school friends had a private meet and greet with the legend herself and she obviously wanted to be anywhere else than in the lense of a reality show. She walked in with her white wig and drag queen voice and it was everything I needed it to be. Cher isn't going to kiss your ass and be a fake bitch to the camera, she was nice and polite but she wasn't eating Kim's asshole or attempting to give a shit about any of the high school friends who came along for the free ride. Like most things, the meet and greet ended up being all about Kim while the friends stayed quietly in the back. What's new?

The biggest shock I had was how Cher revealed she's Armenian. What the fuck? Where have I been to not know Cher is Armenian? The singer said she needs to go back to Armenia soon to help with all the crazy shit that's going and I believe a Kim and Cher Take Armenia spinoff is the only direction this show can go in to make it watchable again. Who wouldn't want to watch that hot mess? I just want to see Cher without her makeup and wigs and then I can die happy.

The last storyline still revolved around Tristan blocking Kim. Ugh. My care factor is zero per cent. Kim is justified about being mad at Tristan for, you know, ripping her sister's heart out of her chest and stomping on it by fucking every 23-year-old THOT he could find, and Khloe is a complete moron for staying with him. She's a dumb bitch and I'm not going to change my opinion just because she has a daughter. Sure, she wants to make it work to keep her family together but what is that going to teach her daughter when she stayed with a cheater and didn't even reprimand him for his behaviour. We haven't seen Khloe get mad at him ONCE for his disgusting cheating ways which completely discredits the entire "strong and fearless" brand she's tried to create.

Khloe returned to Calabasas with Tristan and her baby but didn't want her cheating boyfriend and Kim to be in the same room. Kim only hates him because she loves YOU and doesn't believe you deserve the shit he put you through. Khloe acts like nothing ever happened and is going along like she never even heard the news. It's maddening and if I see them have a nice encounter one more time I'm going to cut my fingernail off. It's annoying. After the anticipation of the Kim and Tristan beef for the entire episode, the sex tape connoisseur finally confronted him and started having a bullshit conversation about Pickleball because she discovered there's no point fighting about things she can't change. At least call him out for her his bad behaviour and give us a moment of reality TV gold because this show is sad.

No one is holding Tristan Thompson accountable for his actions and as a human being, I am insulted. Sure, maybe he and Khloe fight behind the scenes but we need these women to roast him on camera in front of the world and make sure not only does he know it's not okay but that the world knows they won't stand for this. This entire storyline has been clickbait and just further proves how this show is well past its use by date. Just give us the Kim and Cher spinoff in Armenia and I'll be happy because we can't come back from this boring TV show.

Keeping Up With The Kardashians airs Sundays at 9/8c on E! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first family of reality TV.