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Below Deck Recap: Scary Island

Chandler's reign of terror is officially over. After labelling Kate a "glorified housekeeper" last week I was done with seeing the product of Friends' fanatics and his headscarf wobbling around the yacht. Chandler sucked and he pissed me off more than any reality star I've ever seen. Okay. That's not true but he's definitely up there in the top ten behind Vicki Gunvalson, Trashley Jacobs and that little angry Mormon man we met on RHOC this season.

Captain Lee simply decided to fire the failing bosun because they "lacked chemistry" which is a nice way of saying: you're a complete fuck up. After dropping a woman on her face, failing to communicate anything effectively to his crew, being a misogynistic asshole to anyone in sight, eating ice cream at inappropriate times and sleeping more than a cat, Chandler's time on My Seanna finally came to a close and frankly, I'm just relieved it's over. Yes, his ability to fuck up any and every situation he was placed in was truly astounding and entertaining but I'm happy to see Chandler, his gross headscarf and his pasty white ass walk off the boat. In his spot, Ross got promoted to become the bosun which would've been the responsible thing to do from the start but we wouldn't have witnessed nearly as much drama as we did during Chandler's reign of terror.

Following the quickest and most polite firing, I've ever seen on reality TV, we immediately flicked to the other fuck up on the crew. Caroline's toe finally went back down to a reasonable size which didn't cause her to limp around the boat, however, she traded her Fred Flintstone toe in for a sinus infection. Caroline isn't sick, she's a professional victim. People who always have ailments and excuses for everything is exhausting, if you have a sinus infection take some cough medicine and move the fuck along. Sure, Caroline did the responsible thing of going off the boat to get antibiotics but unless she's spewing up phlegm or coughing on guests, there's no need to be so dramatic. And I may not be a doctor but I don't think smoking helps a sinus infection. Just a thought.

After Kate yelled at Caroline for pulling a Chandler by eating ice cream while on the job, she finally hit her breaking point and had a deep conversation with her trusted confidant Ashton. What the actual fuck? I didn't even know they had formally met and now they are each other's confidants? Ashton more or less told her to follow her heart and quit so everybody's little sister that no one wanted, gave Kate and Josiah two days notice and told them she wouldn't eat shit with a knife and fork while Kate tried to stay awake through the entire conversation. I'm all for having a bitchy moment while quitting the show but where was Caroline's "Zero Fucks" attitude during this entire season. As clumsy and useless as she was, I would've much prefered to see her fight with Kate from day one.

Once Caroline had her moment she went to bed while everyone else went clubbing. She just quit not only a yachting job but also a reality show and she didn't want to get fucked up on her last night in Tahiti? She should've been drinking weird French Polynesian alcohol, taking the local drugs, telling everybody where to stick it and enjoyed herself before she had to fly back to her mundane life in Florida or wherever the fuck she comes from. Instead, Caroline stayed in her sad little bunk bed sleeping. I at least hope she masturbated and had some kind of fun before she had to leave.

While Caroline and her faux sinus infection slept, Ashton got horny at the club and humped any girl he could get his hands on. Or leg on? If you look like Ashton with eight abs, blonde hair and an exotic accent no one can understand then why wouldn't you open yourself up to getting some weird Tahitian STD? I'm all for buying souvenirs on vacation and contracting Chlamydia in a van is much better than a postcard. My favourite part of the entire episode was Rhylee getting lost in translation with Ashton's playmate and thinking the girl was asking what her name was when she actually just saying her own name. It was truly amazing and words can't even describe the hot mess that it was.

Once the crew got back to the boat from their night out, Rhylee disembarked from the van yelling at Kate and the weird yoga chef who never speaks, hitting the chairs and spitting outside the car. I'm not sure what happens inside Rhylee's brain but she is always eight seconds away from going off the handle and yelling at somebody. I want to be #TeamRhylee and support her but acting like a lunatic and spitting on people is indefensible. It's entertaining and makes for great reality TV but it's still indefensible. The only time where it's acceptable to spit on another person is during sex when you can’t be bothered reaching into the nightstand and grabbing the lube, but even that is questionable.

While Rhylee went on an unsolicited rampage, Ashton fucked his date in the van while the camera guy crouched behind a bush and zoomed in, obviously, his microphone was still on because that bitch was moaning like there was no tomorrow. Or maybe she was just that loud? I'm all for hearing people cum through hazy footage but this Tahitian girl was being a tad too extra and it couldn't have even been that good because it was in the back of a van and Ashton was still fully clothed. I think the Tahitian beauty needs to practice her fake orgasms in the mirror.

The next morning Caroline woke up not wanting to work and declared she would not be working aboard My Seanna again so Kate and Josiah did the only reasonable thing you would expect someone to do once their third stew quits after claiming she was bullied during her entire charter: told her she had one hour to get off the boat and played trap music under her door as she packed. Caroline ended up having a breakdown, wallowing in her room and crying like she was having her uterus removed. I told you weeks ago this was going to be Caroline's Scary Island and seeing her complain about having nightmares of Kate and Josiah while crying was the icing on top of the cake of fuckery which was her Scary Island experience. Whenever somebody has a Kelly Bensimon-esque breakdown on TV it's always entertaining and this was no exception.

Kate Chastain is amazing at being a bitch and Josiah was more than obliged to follow her around and dangle from her asshole. I love Kate but if you piss her off there's really no coming back from that. I'm not buying Caroline's victim excuse. Kate had to pick up the slack while she had a swollen foot, a sinus infection, cried about her sick mother and broke glass in front of small children. What did she do wrong? Caroline didn't click with her, she wasn't the funny sidekick Kate needed, she's too sensitive and anybody with a sensitivity chip is going to connect with Kate, even though she seemed to cater to her every need and actually tended to Caroline's sensitive nature.

After Caroline cried to Captain Lee she walked off the boat and immediately all the drama left with her. This show's two fuckups left at the same time and as much as I'm relieved to have the annoyance out of my life, I'm also confused where the drama is going to come from. How is this show going to be entertaining without Chandler dropping guests or Caroline injuring small children? We need that on this show and Rhylee's aggressive behaviour doesn't seem to be enough.

For the rest of the episode, everybody had to act super stressed around the new charter guests while they set up a lunch under a waterfall. Everybody claimed it was beautiful but all I could focus on was everybody's bare feet in mud. It was a rough scene and the hippie chef freaking out didn't help it. He also declared he was cutting Rhylee out of his life after her temper tantrum which is so dramatic. Smile and be nice for three more weeks, at least Rhylee is giving us something to work with, Adrian is the perfect chef who doesn't like drama. Who wants to watch that? It's like tuning into Real Housewives and seeing them get along. It's unnatural and unneeded.

Below Deck airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!

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