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RHONJ Recap: Sixteen Bathrooms

Teresa and Melissa made up following their annoying fight which left the entire group in high spirits. I have no interest in the latest Gorga/Giudice feud because it's pointless. The dad just wants to spend more time with his son, is the entire season going to revolve around this mess because Tre's instinct is to blame Melissa for everything that happens in her family? This storyline is tired and Papa Gorga is the biggest shit stirrer of them of all, Joe does a lot for his family and probably financially helps Tre out while Juicy is locked up, so everybody needs to give him a break. Their father has always been harder on Joe and we've never seen him attack and confront Teresa the way he does his son.

Melissa already told Joe about her brief rift with Teresa which was less than smart. Yes, that's her husband and they shouldn't have any secrets but she always talks about the internal family turmoil it will cause if Joe and Teresa starting fighting again, so why would she fuel that fire? Teresa and Joe's issues are between Teresa and Joe, so Melissa should sit on the sidelines and let them work it out instead of telling him the messy shit his sister gets up to. Melissa's in a tough spot because she's fucked if she tells Joe and she's fucked if she doesn't, this is why nobody would ever want Teresa Giudice as their sister-in-law.

While out for dinner the ladies played two truths and one lie where we found out some juicy information on all the ladies. Dolores revealed she once bit another woman and is a member of the mile high club, Margaret said her ex-husband used to lock her in a closet and claimed she only did cocaine once in her life. In a time where cocaine is such a hot-button issue in the Housewives community, it's nice to see The Marge admit to having some booger sugar because Colombia's gift that keeps on giving is more common than vaginal rejuvenation in the reality TV world. Also, her husband used to lock her in a closet? That's dark and now I completely understand why she needed to run off with the contractor and I hope they fucked in that closet just to spite the little man.

The Turkish new girl, Jacqueline Laurita 2.0, also admitted she once shat herself in bumper to bumper traffic, dressed up as a dominatrix with her friend at a nightclub and performs random bag checks on her nannies. That's a lot of information. Jennifer is a high maintenance diva who complained about everything in Oklahoma more than she breathed but if she can admit to shitting herself on international television then that makes me like her a tiny bit, it's just annoying she had to ruin that one glimpse of relatability she gave us by acting like a stuck up bitch for the entire trip.

If I have to hear about this woman's sixteen bathrooms one more time I'm going to book a plane ticket to New Jersey, drive to her house, go into one of the said bathrooms and drown myself in her Turkish toilet water. Enough is enough, did she grow up with Sixteen Bathrooms as her coming of age rom-com instead of Sixteen Candles? The logistics behind her excess bathrooms is confusing to me, there are nine bedrooms, why does she need five additional bathrooms that aren't ensuites? Like Margaret said, "You can shit in a different toilet every day for two weeks."

After watching her complain about the camper, Oklahoma's alcohol, drinking out of red solo cups, country music and saying Marge's friend's house wasn't luxurious, I wanted to punch her in the face. It's beyond rude to not only say those things out loud but to the person's face who was kind enough to let you stay in their own home. It's rude, tacky and disrespectful and it didn't earn her any friends on this trip. As much as I think she probably is a garbage human being, she definitely wanted to be the rich bitch city girl type who had to complain about being in the country because she even admitted about being an asshole for shock value, which is even worse than being an actual asshole.

Apart from insulting Polly's entire home and lifestyle, Jennifer also refused to dance with the Cowboys because it would disrespect her husband. It's the two-step not anal, what's the big deal? I hate submissive, old-fashioned, misogynistic relationships especially when the wife is dumb enough to buy into it.

I finally realised Jennifer's plan of attack for this show. She wants to be the Heather Dubrow of New Jersey with her huge house, plastic surgeon husband and fancy pants attitude. However, Heather didn't brag in such an obnoxious way, yes, she wanted to know about her hexagonal ice and etched glass window but it wasn't the only thing she had to talk about and ram it down everybody's throat. We saw her clothes, we saw her house and we saw her lifestyle, we knew she was rich but we didn't need to be reminded about it everytime she was on screen. Also, if I owned Chanel I would send Jennifer Aydin a cease and desist to stop wearing their products on this show because she makes the entire brand look tacky, she wears it to an aggressive extent and bringing eight plastic clunky Chanel bags to Oklahoma isn't cute.

Not to make this into Jennifer's own Shade of the Week but seeing her small child cry on FaceTime about her being away was ridiculous. Housekids who get in the way of their mothers appearing on this show are the worst, leave those fuckers at home with their nannies and enjoy your two days of peace and quiet away from the mess. Jennifer should've hung up the phone as soon as she started crying and it's a pretty weird coincidence that as soon as she promised her daughter a Hello Dream House that the small child stopped crying, the little girl could've made it a little more believable. As much as Jacqueline Laurita 2.0 is trying to be Heather Dubrow, her daughter is angling to be the next Milania and that role is more than taken.

Apart from the brief Gorga/Giudice references, Jennifer being an asshole, the ladies grooming cows and Marge's Joe waiting hand and foot on a crippled Marge Sr, nothing really happened in this episode. I was entertained and thoroughly enjoyed what they had on display but there's not much more to talk about. A stale family feud and a pretentious newbie aren't going to drive this show so I hope everything picks up quick because Andy Cohen promised us a good season.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the craziest ladies in Jersey.

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