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Below Deck Recap: Thank Fuck For Brent

The two biggest things to happen this week were Ashton almost drowning within fifteen minutes of the new charter and one of the guests saying chicken is for poor people. From a potentially fatal incident to a poultry snub there isn't THAT much to talk about but a cast member dying always gives us what we need on a reality show.

We instantly picked up from last week's cliffhanger where Ashton was dragged into the water by one of the lines which were supposed to be hooked up to the tender which follows along behind the boat. As he was dragged out to sea, the lines that his foot was caught in began to tighten as his foot was in the air with his body going in and out of the water below. It probably lasted under a minute but when someone is about to die every second feels like an hour.

Finally, to avoid his foot being severed from his body, the quick thinking cameraman named Brent untied the line attaching Ashton to My Seanna and he was able to keep his foot and go on to fuck more Tahitian THOTs. It's very alarming and unsettling that a production crew member was able to come to the rescue before a trained deckhand. Obviously, it was a situation no one had ever experienced but if Brent didn't have the common sense to untie the rope than Ashton would be dead in two pieces floating through the Tahitian ocean. Thank fuck for Brent. Did Brent get a raise after this situation because when you save a cast member's life and save Bravo a fuck tonne in legal fees, I'm pretty sure Brent deserves a little more than a pat on the back.

After Ashton's foot was dragged and almost amputated behind the back of a boat, he had to spend an hour following the yacht in the tender waiting for it to dock so it could be reattached. Can you imagine almost dying at sea and then having to spend an hour by yourself and your sore foot in the mini boat which was partly responsible for your untimely death? That's PTSD in the making but it was probably good for Ashton to be by himself and just absorb the gravity of what just happened. Captain Lee even cried about the situation and was more shaken up than Ashton, which was so cute. I wish a crew member wasn't the trigger which forced Captain Lee to show emotion but it's so cute and endearing to see an older, masculine captain be vulnerable.

After the crew's near-death experience, everything went back to normal. Ashton and his foot were put on bed rest for a day and I came to the conclusion that the new third stew Laura is an insufferable bitch. Laura sucks more than a prostitute on Sunset Boulevard and her constant complaining is further proof of that. If you've been reading Good Tea for this long you'd know I love the bitches on every show because they drive the plot and give us something to watch, however, Laura tries to pretend she's a zen yogi who's above the drama but in reality is just a passive-aggressive bitch who insults everything she sees and thinks her shit doesn't stink, when I'm sure it does smell up a room just like everyone else.

Much like Adrian, Laura hides her bitchy ways with a smile and a yoga mat and I'm sure that's why they get along so well. Laura fucked up her turndown service by not putting water by the guest's bed but then blamed it on her belief that she believed the crew's overall theme was that no one gives a fuck. I'd love it if she saved her bitchy remarks for Kate's face and gave us some good reality TV instead of hiding in her confessionals. I don't know if her past boat experience was on a military ship but I'm confused why she constantly needs to put down the My Seanna staff and act like it's subpar. She applied for the third stew position so she can't complain when she has to do all the bitch work. The third stew's job is bitch work, it's literally in the job description so I'm unsure on what she's missing.

Laura and her jet black hair also complained about needing a foot rub and having a sore foot to Ashton, who nearly lost his fucking foot in this episode. Does she have zero self-awareness or just not a fuck to give? She complains way too much and although last week I blamed Kate's immediate hatred for her on Kate Chastain's dislike of other women, now I can see how annoying this bitch really is. I'd prefer Caroline any day of the week over Laura because at least Caroline had an unstable, slightly crazy, clumsy, comedic relief vibe going for her but this bitch is basic and bland with a valley girl accent and a Cabbage Patch face you just want to punch.

The passengers onboard also complained about Adrian cooking them chicken for dinner with one drunk white bitch claiming chicken is for poor people. Is that a race thing or just a privileged alcoholic not knowing when to shut the fuck up thing? Chicken obviously isn't for poor people and she doesn't have a point but even if it was, chicken tastes fucking amazing and what Adrian dished up looked juicy, tender and beautiful. Instead of just choking down the chicken, the old lady made Adrian make a seafood dish which turned out to be scallop risotto and looked so good I almost creamed my pants. If you don't like what a chef gives you, you choke it down and smile because once you send something back to a kitchen you never know what a disgruntled chef is going to do to the food.

Apart from Captain Lee not allowing Ashton to share his tips with the crew on account of him dying, nothing else really happened. It was an exceptional episode of television just like the rest of this season but I'm so thankful Bravo dropped the mid-season trailer at the end of the episode to give us, even more, to look forward to. I thought after two firings and a cast member's near-death experience that this season was going to start winding down but it only gets crazier.

Rhylee fucks the new deckhand senseless in her bunk bed, Laura looks like she finally gives into Ashton and his foot, there's a rogue jet ski, the ship tips to one side, the gays on charter look like they are going to give us the diva behaviour we've been asking for all season and Kate threatens to quit because of loud mouth Laura. I'm so ready for the rest of the season and I can't believe this much debauchery went down within six weeks.

Below Deck airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!

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