Below Deck Recap: Soary Not Soary


After one of the crew members almost died from being dragged behind the back of a boat, everybody gathered themselves and their remaining limbs to head out on one of their infamous crew nights. Seeing the crew let loose and get drunk is essentially the best part of this entire show and if we didn't get to see anyone drunk or naked for an entire season then this wouldn't be the blockbuster show that it is. Below Deck is literally the highest rated show on Bravo right now, even above powerhouse RHOA, which just shows how quickly the Housewives franchise is dying if fucking BELOW DECK can get more viewers.

Ashton and Ross had a heart to heart about his near death experience and it got so intimate and intense when the New Zealander was confessing how much he cares about his fellow crew member I thought they were going to make out. They've both become Eskimo brothers by sticking their tongues down Rhylee's throat so why not skip the middleman and just kiss each other? I am so here for a Below Deck gay romance and obviously, Josiah isn't going to deliver that for us. Ross is definitely the bottom. Ashton then pulled a Sonja Morgan and went commando in jeans which we know because the producers showed him putting his naked bountiful booty into his jeans via the spycam in their rooms. This show is literally Big Brother on a boat and I appreciate that.

He claimed he went commando in jeans because it was easy access to fuck bitches and piss but the chafing would be unbearable. And what if you get a hard-on? Fuck that. Is it that hard to put on some underwear? A thong? Or even a jockstrap because we all know Ashton has one. I'm waiting for Ashton's gay-for-pay porn past to come out because he's definitely on some South African gay twink website under the name Chase Diamonds.

Everybody went out to dinner and the new third stew spoke the entire time. She's so fucking annoying and I didn't even remember her name until Josiah was bitching about her in his confessionals. She's not funny, she's not relatable and she's just an annoyance that won't shut the fuck up, much like Ann Coulter or a blender with a fork stuck in it. Kate was in no mood to go clubbing so she took a poll from the crew to decide what to do and shaded Laura in front of the whole table saying she didn't have a say in the matter because she's new. Kate Chastain is amazing at being a bitch and she should put it on her resume next to holding three plates at once and being bicurious for a season. Kate seems like a decent person but she's not someone you want to fuck with unless your Laura and need some clout on a reality show.

At the club, Ross told the new deckhand he would be doing him a favour by getting with Rhylee which is uncalled for considering he was the one who kissed her, she was in earshot and they were peeing at the time. Do we really need to see these people pissing? Is that what it's come to Bravo? Like clockwork, Rhylee came out screaming about the issue like the aggressive bitch she is, and rightfully so. It was a dick move and Rhylee is being passed around these crew members like a cheese platter. If any of them are horny they find Rhylee and stick their tongue down her throat, without even asking, so I'm sure there's some kind of misogynistic energy there but I can't be bothered dissecting it.

Back at the boat, Rhylee and Tyler started fucking in her bunk bed while Kate confronted Laura about saying she and Josiah were talking shit about her. The two best things about reality TV are fucking and fighting and we got both juxtaposed at the same time. Of course, nothing was resolved and Kate said a few bitchy comments before taking herself out of the situation which just caused the third stew to rant to Ashton while she yelled "I'M SOARY" about thirty-three times. How do Canadians pronounce every word normally and then say "sorry" like a seal? But Ashton didn't care because he wasn't listening to a word this bitch was saying, he finally kissed her and proceeded to fuck her on the crows nest. I don't know if his South African sausage entered her Candian waffle but they were rumbling around under a blanket and Ashton told Ross he gave her a "South African hongi" which I guess means he ate her out?

If these people are going to fuck on camera we need specifics. They are literally making porn but just have a sheet covering their strategic places to make sure we can't see exactly what's happening. The best thing about Chandler and Caroline leaving wasn't the boat being able to run in an efficient way but bringing two mildly attractive people into the mix to start fucking the crew members. Apart from Rhylee & Tyler and Ashton & Laura hooking up, we also saw two Tahitian dogs fucking through a split screen which was truly the icing on top of this sex cake. There's nothing better than waking up in the warm sun after having sex under a blanket in the tropical air the night before. A one night stand is always great but when it's in an exotic location it's even better, except if you contract some weird Tahitian STD and then you're fucked like Caroline's foot.

Rhylee and Laura have the same thing in common of not only having romantic acts occur on the same night but lying about it the morning after. They both said nothing happened between them and the respective coworker they fucked the night before, so I guess both women forgot there were cameras filming their every move. Don't they see the spycams in their rooms? If you're going to get pounded out on a boat, at least fucking own it. The next night after a day of cleaning, the producers also gave us the audio of Rhylee cumming, so that was a welcomed surprise. Whoever is in the editing bay must have an entire spank bank on the cast of this show and they should really compile an XXX ranking of the best "performers" on the cast. My bet is on Rhylee taking out #1 because she looks like she knows how to work a penis.

After an episode filled with fucking and fighting, the new charter guests arrived and the only ones we really need to care about are Tony Soprano and Morticia Addams. The hairy Italian guy definitely has some kind of connection to illegal activities and his wife with long black hair dresses like she's attending a funeral every day of the week. Is it wrong to assume the hairy Italian is apart of the mob just because he's Italian? Yes. Does it make me want to investigate how many people he may or may not have had killed over the years? Fuck yes. I never thought Tony & Morticia would make a good couple but I guess these charter guests prove that people who resemble TV characters attract.

The episode ended with the tension between Kate and Laura rising after the chief stew went through the guest cabins after turndowns and saw that Laura hadn't correctly done her job. It was definitely passive aggressive on Kate's part but Laura didn't do her fucking job, so in real life she should've nodded her head and put the towels away, thankfully because this is a reality show, Laura started screaming at Kate to calm down while the star of the show stood their completely relaxed. Just put the towels away bitch. Laura was definitely unhinged telling her to check herself but hey, I guess her whole mentality is "Soary Not Soary."

Below Deck airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!