Vanderpump Rules Recap: Iced Out

For somebody everybody hates, James Kennedy is getting the most screentime. Whenever there is a collective gang up on one of these shows, all it does it give the alienated cast member more scenes and makes them the main focus, just ask Lisa Vanderpump. He really has become the star of the show because the older classmen have grown up and are all getting along which just leaves them fighting with James to get some kind of drama, they keep saying on Twitter and interviews they won't film with him but without James where are we going to get the drama from?

This whole episode was supposed to be about Stassi and Ariana's joint birthday party but basically just became about saving James Kennedy from himself. Seeing LVP sitdown with his mother explained everything we ever needed to know about James. Everything. EV-ER-Y-THING. Holy fucking shit. Now we know why he is such an arrogant little shit. He reminds me of LeeAnne Locken from Dallas, he lashes out because he's still that hurt little kid inside with an addict mother and it makes sense why he's such a bad drinker when he comes from an alcoholic womb. It must've been tough for James growing up and seeing his mother not only defend his bad behaviour but plead for his Tuesday nights like she was pleading for Lisa not to talk her firstborn away, just as her son had done in the previous episode, was beyond rough.

I'm ready for James' mother to join the Housewives. I don't remember her name. Rachel? Gwen? Jennifer? Fuck, I don't know, but she was a piece of work and give her a bottle of chardonnay and I'm sure she'd give us great reality TV moments, especially without Brandi we need a drunk Housewife. As much as I'd like to believe she wanted James to keep his job because she wants what's best for him, it's more likely it was because she wanted to make sure her checks kept coming in the mail. LVP's mission on this show to help James is really humbling and I much prefer her on this show than the Housewives. She's best in this maternal position instead of getting exposed as a manipulative witch on the other show.

Apart from having a deeper look into James' life through the help of his "sober" mother, why the fuck do anything of them care about what James Kennedy has to say? That's the most confusing part. What merit does White Kanye have in Katie's life? Can't they just let him wander aimlessly in the background drunkenly insulting them and not take any notice? Because not paying attention to him and ignoring him in the background would hurt a lot more than inadvertently making him the star of the show. Does Cher care what her haters think? Fuck no, she just wears her wigs and belts out her hits, so why should this cast give any notice to anything that comes out of James Kennedy's mouth?

He got uninvited from his latest party and between all the uninvitations, Scheana unfriending him and the string of girls and gays coming forward to accuse him of having sex with them, surely everything just flies over James' head at this point. He's been uninvited to more parties than I've ever been invited to.

We also had to sit through a really rough scene of Scheana trying her hardest to have sex with the 23-year-old barback at Sur while he did the most to keep his head down and make her daybed so that he could get the fuck out of there. Did she learn nothing from last year? Really Scheana? She saw Rob be a dick to her on national television and now she's going to do the same thing? Surely she likes the rejection because asking him to shower with you, take his shirt off and making everything into a sexual innuendo repeatedly when he refused to have a shower, take his shirt off or actually have sex with her makes it seem like Scheana loves rejection more than she loves herself. I try to like Scheana but she makes it so hard. Her self esteem must be so low if she's continuously trying to put her pussy on a platter even if the guy has refused it 15 times in a row.

The next annoying thing about this episode was Jax and Brittany getting mad about Sandoval questioning if Jax has really changed just because his dad died. First of all, if his dad wasn't six feet under there is no way known he would be engaged to Brittany. They'd probably still be broken up or he'd be getting his dick sucked by every Faith and Hope in LA. And if you've been an insufferable scumbag for 38 years of your life and a somewhat decent person for six months, why can't they question if you're going to go back to the person you were less than a year ago? Tom and Ariana are right to be concerned and seeing Jax bitch about their relationship the minute he heard they possibly said something about him just shows he hasn't changed at all and he's still the pig he's been all along. And saying people are jealous of you is such a Kim Zolciak move. Ugh.

Finally, the main part of this episode was Stassi and Ariana's birthday. They must have started filming WAY later this season because the pride episode and Stassi's birthday are always later in the season but we are getting right into it from the beginning this time around. Much to the hatred of Scheana Shay, Ariana and Stassi have somehow become best friends and the best part of seeing the two blondes finally getting along isn't seeing them, you know, get along, it's the sneaky camera angles of Scheana passive aggressively smiling in the background while wishing she was dead. The producers on this show love some Scheana shade and she just has to take it to keep getting checks to go towards updating her latest face.

The theme of the party was winter so most of the cast went as Game of Thrones characters, Schwartz looked like Peter Pan, Sandoval and his love of costume walked around with a silver helmet on for the entire night and Lala walked around like she was going to the mall. I love Give Them Lala but can't she try and give us something that isn't talking about her man fucking her in the ass. And her vagina. And her mouth. The only person who's costume was worse than Lala's was Scheana's, who basically just came as a basic blonde Starbucks frequenter. So Stassi. The weirdest part of the entire episode was Kristen giving Raquel a drink but hearing her joy about James Kennedy sitting at home alone reconfirmed my love of the delusional and deranged Kristen "Suck A Dick" Doute.

The girls tried to talk to Raquel (again) about not staying with an asshole for longer than she should. I see what they are trying to do but as long as James is on a reality show, this bitch isn't going anywhere. Don't they get that? This bitch is here to stay no matter how many times they try to appeal to her with their "over thirties" wisdom, she isn't changing her mind. And having as many conversations as they can with her is only going boost her screentime and make her more relevant, so it's probably best for them to shut the fuck up and accept the fact that she's a thirsty bitch dating an asshole for his fame. The best part of this entire conversation was seeing Kristen Doute see a fight take place from the background and immediately sneaking over into a conversation that had absolutely nothing to do with her just to trash James. She is truly a reality TV icon.

To end the night full of drinking, Stassi had a Scheana moment falling all over her boyfriend Beau before she had a breakdown at 1.47am in the bathroom because he wouldn't come to bed with her. First of all, who goes to bed before 2 when you're throwing your own birthday party that YOU paid for. And secondly, why not just go upstairs and drag his ass to bed instead of calling him on the phone? Although Stassi looked crazy from crying about her boyfriend not wanting to go to bed with her, when you're drunk and tired at the end of the night sometimes you just want to cuddle with your beau (pun definitely intended.) So although her actions didn't make sense, we've all been there and she doesn't have to explain her crazy antics for me to understand.

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!