Below Deck Recap: Checklist Yourself

It feels like an eternity since we've checked in on our horny boat crew due to all the Christmas and New Years delays, so I'm happy we can dive back into the fuckery that is this nautical show. However, Caroline's creepy Twitter feed and Instagram live videos have somewhat kept me entertained in the break. I love Below Deck because everything happens at a gradual pace, it's still juicy but after a big blow up or sex scene they cool us down with cross-shots of the crew cleaning the boat or doing turndowns and I appreciate that. This show is effortlessly brilliant.

Following Laura "Soary Not Soary" screaming at Kate to check herself for passive aggressively telling her to pick up towels off the floor, the chief stew went to Captain Lee and threatened to quit if he didn't have a word with the little Candian girl who sounds like a Californian teen with a trust fund. Kate Chastain is obviously the star of the show and isn't going anywhere but after six seasons, surely Captain Lee has to know she's a little bitchy and these third stews aren't always the problem. No Laura shouldn't have yelled at her, and yes, Laura is more annoying than a broken condom on prom night but Kate could have handled the situation differently? I think. I'm sure she could've been nicer about a towel on the floor but Laura could've dne her job and the entire situation would've been averted.

Captain Lee's chat with Laura was weak. She sat there with her jet black hair while he told her to respect Kate, I don't know what else he could've said but I want somebody to actually fight with Laura and give her the screaming match we've been waiting for. Caroline definitely would've been down for that. Laura annoys the fuck out of me, of course, she's good for the show, but still, she annoys the fuck out of me. Ashton definitely didn't get enough maple syrup on that Candian bacon because she's still babbling about random shit nobody cares about. The awkward stairs moment of Laura trying to walk up the stairs and Kate just kind of standing there was definitely the best (and most cringe-worthy) part of the episode. We've all been there.

While Laura was telling people to check themselves, the Morticia lookalike guest was trying her hardest to get the hippie chef into her pants. Really? I understand food is the way to a person's heart but couldn't she get Ashton to fuck her on the crows nest and call it a day? Her crush on him was gross considering he looks 12 and gives off a total gay vibe, but that didn't stop her wearing heels in the kitchen and sensually cutting up broccoli while trying to get his approval. Doesn't she get hot wearing black all day? The hippie chef, whose name escapes me, is mad about Ashton hooking up with Laura, so why doesn't he take his sexual frustrations out on Morticia? I'm sure she'll more than love it, even if Tony Soprano puts him in some cement boots and makes him take an untimely swim in the middle of the night.

Rhylee is mad (again) about not being able to have an equal role on the boat and is only stuck doing the shitty work. Is this bitch serious? She may have a valid point but seeing her get aggressive over a tiny situation is too much for me to handle anymore. Calm the fuck down Rhylee, it's getting tired. I agree with Kate, wouldn't she want to have the easy jobs for the last two weeks of charter while everybody else has to deal with the heavy lifting? And who the fuck wants to set up a slide anyway? Just keep your head down for two weeks, collect your checks and call it a day. I like Rhylee but her aggressive meltdowns are getting to be way too much these days. Also, I'd be more mad at Ross for calling me dude, mate and bro instead of getting pissy about getting the shitty jobs.

After the charter guests final night, the crew performed a Tahitian tribal dance about the slide which was cute but Ashton definitely has the best body hands down, if he doesn't take up gay porn in the next year then he really missed his calling. I would say straight porn but a male can't really become a star when the camera is zoomed in on two big titties. Once the guests finally got off the boat and Morticia tried until her last step to try and get the hippie chef to fuck her, everybody got ready to go out for their crew night, which is definitely the best part of this show.

The hippie chef tried to plant seeds into Laura's head that Ashton fucks a lot of bitches which set her into a pissy mood. First of all, you aren't dating. Second, the hippie is just jealous. Third, couldn't she tell that just from looking at Ashton? Fourth, didn't she ALREADY know when they were calling him octosnake or whatever they came up with. Why she is acting surprised now?

At the club she was mad because she HEARD Ashton fucks people, even though he tried to hug and dance with her, she continued to be in a pissy mood about something she heard. Then after she rejected him several times, we went and danced with a few bitches but then ended the night with her, which pissed her off more. What the fuck does this Candian bitch want? He tried to dance with her, she gets mad, he tries to dance with others, she gets mad.

This guy should be lucky he has feet to dance on, so she needs to at least appreciate that. I'm really not sure what she wants but when he asked her what was wrong she wouldn't even tell him. Let me get this straight, you're mad about something you heard, then you refuse to talk to him about the issue and get mad when he tries to explain the situation. The hippie chef won. Honestly, Ashton should start fucking bitches left and right because Laura isn't worth it.

The most magical part of this episode was seeing Rhylee and Tyler fuck very sensually while Ashton and Laura fought about her being a dumb bitch, and Tyler was the one who made out with another girl IN FRONT of Rhylee. At least get yourself some dick and call it a day, don't get mad, get horny. Seriously, their sex session was good and even got me hot and bothered on the other side of the TV. Tyler KNOWS how to do his job. I appreciate it and I assume Rhylee does too.

Below Deck airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!