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Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club Recap: The Table Trap

The episode opening with Lindsay saying someone had asked her if she slept at her beach club because she was there at 9 am was the energy I needed to begin with. Her smudged undereye makeup, weird baseball cap and cigarette stained vocal cords definitely looked like they spent the previous night passed out under a table and having a boss who looks like she spends her night falling asleep drunk at work yet also gives her employees life advice is a delicious oxymoron. LVP would never. That's what I love about this show, you're never exactly sure what Lindsay has consumed, snorted, drank or huffed before the cameras show up but it's always a wild ride trying to figure it out.

I literally don't understand anything Panos says but the main thing you need to know is that they hired a new gay "ambassador" to keep everyone on their toes and Lindsay's friend Alesso came as a VIP client to the beach club. You would think it was the second coming of Christ by the way they were welcoming him and I consider himself an expert in everything hot topics but I've never even heard of this guy. Should I be impressed? Is Alesso God? Did Lindsay sleep there? I need answers. Instead of getting those answers, we just saw Lindsay running around with a champagne bottle pretending to be Putin, spraying patrons and employees, which made me ask another question: what the fuck am I watching?

In all seriousness, what the fuck is this show? It's such a hot mess I can't look away which I guess is a good thing but Lindsay's behaviour is so odd and maniac I don't know if I want to call a helpline on her behalf or just take a Xanax with vodka and enjoy the ride. What are these people's jobs exactly? Are they just there to party with people and make them spend more money because their job description is more confusing than Panos' accent. While some people had to cater to the VIP clients, the rest of the cast just swam in the beach, got drunk and sat around in the sun. Who wants to actually try and impress Panos by sucking up Alesso's asshole when you could just day drink in the sun? Seems like a no brainer to me.

Natasha also returned to the beach club, which left Brent in an awkward position because he wanted to win back Sara but was also expected to whore himself out once again to get Natasha to spend more money. I understand Brent wants to be the couple "everyone roots for" with Sara but he's a cunt. I don't care if you blame his behaviour on jet lag, alcohol, depression or whatever other excuses you want to throw in the ring, there may be five girls on this show but Brent is still the biggest cunt of them all. Girl power felt alive and well when Sara decided to pour tequila all over Brent but making out with him after his shitty excuse of calling her ugly because he was upset and attempting to be nice for one day was pathetic. Really Sara, really? We were rooting for you, we were all rooting for you but I guess she knows a dysfunctional relationship is the cornerstone of a successful reality TV career.

Sara didn't even try to make Brent work to get her back. He just had to apologise while a producer filmed on their iPhone, take her to an Alesso concert and she had already moistened back up. Out of all the guys in the house are really supposed to believe she wants to date Brent? He looks like a Middle Eastern deer and has the personality of a molerat but somehow she's willing to be his girl? No, no. Sara is playing this game better than anyone for screentime and I appreciate it. She knows an asshole will get the most screentime, so being his girlfriend will boost her clout too. You go, Glen Coco!

However, Lindsay and Panos didn't think Brent and Sara hooking up was a good idea at all. They do know we are filming a reality television show right? If everyone turned up to work on time, did their job, stayed sober and didn't fuck, who would want to watch that? As much as Lindsay needs to maintain her boss attitude, she needs to drop the bullshit and acknowledge, the crew fornicating with each other is a recipe for reality TV gold. However, Panos literally broke the couple up in front of everyone which was like he was a high school parent keeping his daughter from dating the asshole to focus on her studies. Panos gives zero fucks and barely remembers any of these people's names and I appreciate it. Panos is the unsung hero of this show and basically runs the beach club while Lindsay is sleeping under tables and pretending to be Putin. God bless.

Apart from endless Brent drama, we also got an introduction to Jules. She's the down to earth, pretty blonde girl who sounds like she got punched in the throat and is trying to prove herself to Panos but instead of taking incitive at work, she ended up making out with Mike, the "bisexual" one, at the club. Nobody is buying what Mike is selling in terms of his sexuality and if I hear him talk about being bi one more time I'm going to jump into ongoing traffic. We get it, you like dick but also prefer some pussy on your plate too. Fair enough, stop trying to push your bisexual agenda down our throats because the more he wants us to believe it, the more it looks like he's only claiming to be bi because his Italian family is watching and it's easier than being fully gay. Seeing him straddling an inflatable swan really gives that away.

Side note: Brent's "lewk" in his confessionals with wavy hair and eyeliner is rough and a visual I still can't quite shake from my head.

Just when Mike stuck his tongue down Jules' throat, one of his gay co-workers who he may or may not have been inside of got hired on the show to work for Lindsay Lohan in an effort to shake up the cast and keep all the staff in fighting form. Alex is a WeHo bartender with a boyfriend who hooked up with Mike during a Christmas party many moons ago. Who hasn't hooked up with someone in the broom closet of a Christmas party? It's tradition. Santa Clause isn't the only one coming to town if you know what I mean. Alex is nice enough, he seems way too normal for reality TV but just as that thought crossed my mind, he ended the episode making out with a drunk Italian girl.

Before he could clarify his relationship status with his boyfriend, MTV hit us with the cliffhanger of his tongue down this girl's throat. Is this cheating? Do they have an open relationship? Does his boyfriend not care because she's a girl? I have so many questions but I definitely don't think this boyfriend will be around by the end of the season, especially considering he bailed on the trip they planned together just to join this show. The thirst is real. I'm ready for old, weird energy to come out between Mike and Alex and if Jules doesn't get jealous of their gay sexual tension then this show isn't doing its job right.

This episode was a little slow, however, Jonitta slaps the shit out of Pink in next week's episode and although violence is never the answer, blah blah blah, this is a brawl I can get behind because if you're not drunk in Mykonos slapping bitches in the face, are you even living?

Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club airs Tuesday at 8/7c on MTV. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the Lindsay’s Mykonos workers!

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