Shade of the Week: Andy Cohen's Baby Shower
When looking over the past week's events the only thing I wanted to dedicate this shade to was Andy Cohen's Baby Shower. Real Housewives from far and wide came together to celebrate Andy's unborn baby and it was an event that will go down in not only Housewives history but history history and something we will be talking about for literal years to come. Who doesn't want to tell their grandchildren about Marlo Hampton aggressively twerking on Lisa Rinna's vagina?
Yes, Shade of the Week is traditionally dedicated to, well, shading someone but this is one of those odd occasions where we honour a truly iconic event from the past week. The cross-pollination of the Housewives from every city coming together was enough but the collective drinking and table dancing could send any Housewives fan over the fucking edge and if you didn't dedicate 1200 hours of your weekend to watching numerous Instagram stories then you're not a true fan.
The day started classy full of presents for the dad to be, Housewives mingling while drinking champagne and taking drunk selfies because if a Housewife doesn't post something to social media, did it really happen? The bigger Housewives in the franchise had no idea who any of the new ones were and the newer ones were just happy to be invited. Do you think that NeNe Leakes knows who Gina from OC or Jackie from Jersey are? Fuck no, NeNe can barely keep up with the ones in her own city, but did she smile for a photo with them? You bet ya.
Seeing videos of Tamra Judge mingling with Rinna in one corner and flashing to Dorinda interviewing Erika Jayne for Radio Andy as Ramona and Teresa were talking on the other side of the room was breathtaking. I would've given an organ, my left nut and firstborn to be in the room with that energy.
Sonja was running around drunk in a bandage dress, Ramona fell off a table, Rinna and Camille were avoiding each other, Tamra flashed her tits, Shannon is season nine skinny again, Kyle forget she met Danielle, NeNe surprised us with Phaedra & Marlo, Dorit got into it with Camille, Andy spanked Cynthia, Jenni Pulos rapped, Danielle flew to LA uninvited then leaked a story to Page Six guilting Andy into inviting her, Denise Richards gifted Andy the blue bunny, Kyle did the splits and so many more juicy details I can't even remember. It was like watching a four-hour episode of Housewives on my phone and for that, I'll always be grateful for Andy's baby.
We've all noticed the Housewives franchise has been spiralling faster than a drunk Sonja Morgan. Let's be real, however, it is starting to look up. New York is amazing, Jersey is redeeming itself, the next season of Beverly Hills looks insane and Dallas & Potomac are proving themselves. The franchise is turning around but can't we start intergrading the casts and mixing things up? Seeing all the ladies mingle and taking different combinations of group photos together was like being at Disneyland and seeing the princesses interact but with cocktails, twerking and a fuck tonne of divorces between them. If we can't have more crossovers between cities or an All-Stars special can we at least have an annual get together once a year? Andy needs to have another baby pronto.
Although Kyle Richards along with the other OGs were responsible for planning the entire event, the real star of the day was Lisa mother fucking Rinna. Can ANYONE argue with that? Lisa Rinna started the drunken dance party by climbing aboard a table, grinding on her boss and the guest of honour, throwing her legs around in the air, having Marlo twerk inbetween them, grabbing the microphone and aggressively instructing "EVERY MOTHER FUCKING HOUSEWIFE TO GET ON A FUCKING TABLE AND DANCE FOR ANDY AND HIS BABY" all while Madonna played in the background. Name a bigger icon. I'll wait...
Without Rinna, this party would've been another nice Beverly Hills brunch and she's probably the one person in the world who could get away with calling NeNe Leakes a whore. I don't know if there's ever been an MVP for a baby shower before but Rinna snatched that crown and if she isn't forcing people to dance on tables for me at my baby shower, then I don't want one.
Can we talk about those who weren't present? At least one Housewife from every city couldn't make it, but that's like getting tickets to the Superbowl and saying "Oh, sorry I can't make it." YOU FUCKING MAKE IT. Melissa was at her daughter's cheerleading event, Kelly was in Aspen, Cary was in Arizona, Kandi is in Celebrity Big Brother, Tinsley was in Palm Beach, Countess Luann had a gig and Porsha was too pregnant to travel. They're all acceptable reasons, I guess, but they'll always have to live with the fact of knowing they missed the biggest Bravo party in history. Oh and two other OGs who also happened to miss the WWHL Come OG Faithful special couldn't make the event either. Bethenny had a "speaking engagement" but then happened to stroll into Asa from Shah's store in LA the next day and LVP was "setting up her Vegas restaurant" which is code for "I don't want to be around my costars."
I had FOMO and I’m just a regular fan, could you imagine if you were an ex-Housewife who could’ve been there but got fired for being too boring or too crazy. That’s a sad reality. Brandi Glanville, Jill Zarin and Gretchen Rossi were all either in a corner on Saturday or trying to sneak in through the back. Let's just pray these get-togethers become an annual thing because it was the late Christmas present every Housewives fan needed. We NEEDED this.
And one last thing to all you haters attacking the ladies having fun, saying their behaviour wasn't "acceptable" at a baby shower or any of the other gross ageist/misogynistic things you had to say. Go fuck yourself. It was a hilarious iconic moment of women having fun and nobody watches the Housewives for class, so it's a piss pour insult to comment on a video of Lisa Rinna dancing on a table saying she's not classy. If you want class, watch Downtown Abbey while you finger yourself to a picture of the queen. That's class.
These Housewives gave us an Andales award-winning performance so if you want to bitch and complain about anything, bitch and complain about Andy's sad East Coast baby shower with SJP and Kelly Ripa because that was sadder than Danielle Staub's self-worth.