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Below Deck Reunion Recap: Herpes Outbreak

Reunions are tough to recap at the best of times, especially when the WWHL Clubhouse is used as the sad set. Below Deck was literally the highest rated show on Bravo during the most recent season, don't they deserve some kind of respect in the form of their own fucking set? Reunions in the clubhouse are depressing, unattractive, off-putting and distracting. I don't want to see the little knick-knacks, weird pixelated paintings or Andy's books placed in perfect shot for the cameras when I'm watching a reunion. It's just annoying and I can't take anything seriously when they could've shot this reunion in a warehouse and had the same effect.

After an explosive season, this was a pretty shitty reunion. These people aren't professional reality stars, they don't know how to fight and even worse, they don't care to. Everyone is mostly chill and over the drama which occured almost a year ago, so the only fire fuelling this reunion was the one in Rhylee's crotch. Also, there was no Chandler or Caroline in attendance which is deplorable. Those two idiots DROVE the first half of the season and they definitely would've boosted this thing up to a two-part reunion from at least having a guest appearance. You just know Caroline was waiting in the wings for her moment to come.

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Ross addressed his arrest by saying it was a "misunderstanding" and underplayed his relationship with charter guest Kunt Krystal by saying they're friends with benefits without being friends. These were two of the juiciest things to transpire in the offseason and the only things really going for Ross and he decided to give us boring answers which gave us no information and left us in the same place we started. Based on those answers alone, I don't see him having a long career on Bravo, the Countess created a cabaret career from her Palm Beach arrest and Ross couldn't even string a sentence together to talk about his. Sigh.

Everybody danced around the Caroline issue, blaming her for all the issues with Kate and Josiah, even though Andy grabbed some unseen footage of the besties accusing Caroline of leaving because she had herpes and Captain Lee still not only blamed the redhead but regretted asking Kate about the issue, even though he saw proof of Caroline's claims she's been screaming about for months on social media. Kate is definitely the queen of this show, however, trying to play the innocent character isn't a good look. Kate's a bitch, it's the main reason why she's my favourite and rule one of being a bitch is that you have to admit to being a bitch. Don't act holier than thou, admit to your cunty indiscretions and I'll respect (and like) you way more.

I LITERALLY screamed when Andy brought up the herpes footage. It's been in the vault for so long, so seeing it finally surface was like Christmas, Hanukkah and Easter all in one. Captain Lee also blaming every stew Kate has had a problem with for not wanting to do their job is ridiculous. If you're creating enemies left and right then you're the asshole and you need to take a real look inward and reevaluate unless you're on a reality show, then it's celebrated. Kate also practised the same routine with Laura and pretended she was innocent in their feud too. Kate is a passive aggressive bitch, no tea, no shade, it's just the truth. Plain and simple. So she can't act like she was just randomly attacked by Laura during dinner service, no no, she created the beast and then sat back and watched her explode.

Kate is an iconic Bravolebrity, however, she needs to start taking some Teddi Mellencamp accountability classes. Was anyone else bored by this reunion? No juicy revelations came out, there were no massive fights and everyone sat on stools which would've been an uncomfortable five hours. They touched on Chandler completely sucking at his job with Lee even calling him a "condescending prick" and the topic of Adrian becoming the Harvey Weinstein of My Seanna was also brought up, however, they downplayed that storyline too by saying the producers didn't show enough of their relationship. Are you kidding me? Accuse him of being a pig, throw something, cry, give us something to chew on here.

Rhylee's fighting and fucking were brought up and yes, she shouldn't have spoken to her superiors the way she did ever, however, she's making a TV show and without her temper tantrums we wouldn't have anything to work with. Rhylee gave us almost too much this season and I appreciate it. Chandler was a cunt to her but of course, he wasn't there to defend himself which just resulted in a weird round table discussion about the failed bosun.

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The package of everyone's sexual endeavours was definitely the highlight of the night and the only portion of the reunion where a reasonable amount of tea was spilled. Ross hooked up with Hannah from the Mediterranean franchise, Ashton and Laura never had sex until the last night (yeah sure) and the South African turned possible amputee also admitted he didn't even fuck the girl in the van, which was not only a missed opportunity but I guess all her moans were a result of his tongue. Nice to know but if she was moaning like that over a little licking can you imagine what she would've done with a full dick? Rhylee and Tyler may or may not have fucked the night before, however, both of them as well as Ashton and Laura remain "dear friends" which means they like each others Instagram photos and fuck if they happen to be in the same city.

In a weird turn of events they also decided to bring out Brent who saved Ashton's life. Um. I don't care. Brent is cute and I'm sure his DMs were on fire after the episode but I don't need to hear the same story I've already heard 85 times. Ashton could've died, the cameraman untied the line, the end. However, I'm glad Brent got his 4 minutes of fame even if he pretended he didn't want to show up. Although this was a pretty mellow reunion, I can't wait for the next season and let's hope the majority of the cast returns because I can't be fucked meeting any new people.

Below Deck airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!

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