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Vanderpump Rules Recap: So Vain

James Kennedy's mother is a national treasure. The way Jacqueline Georgio can simultaneously paint herself as a Bellvue escapee and an adjacent Beverly Hills Housewife is thrilling and we need so much more of her on our TV. Jackie may be a terrible mother and an overall less than tolerable human being, however, what she lacks in moral integrity and parenting, she more than makes up for in being exceptional television and at the end of the day, what's more important? Strangers in the Midwest seeing you on TV or your child's love? Strangers in the midwest. All. The. Way.

The way she can flawlessly manipulate her son into continuing to bankroll her life and then proceeding to beg LVP to employ her other son so she can continue to steal money from her children is iconic. Jackie thinking she was a good mother because she allowed her children to take their first steps in Tiffanys (!) is wild and she gave us one of the best monologues of our time by saying: "Was I a shit mother? You went to a 50 pound school a year, great vacations, Ralph Lauren, Burberry, this is BULLSHIT, you took your first steps at Tiffany’s. I’m not telling you to kiss my ass I’m saying say 'thank you mum', you did something for me, you’re not a total bitch.'" Yes. She really said that. This basically explains everything you need to know about this woman and why James Kennedy is the way he is.

Jackie leeching off her children is amazing television, however, she makes Casey Anthony look like mother of the year. There's obviously a lot of resentment, money and Botox which is responsible for this family's string of issues and it's not fair that James Kennedy's Bravo salary is going towards funding his family when he could be spending it on pasta. This woman needs to be a Housewife or at least be given a lot more air time on this show because she perfectly checks all the hot mess boxes required to be on reality television. Also, are we just going to ignore the fact that she robbed a bank? Anyone? Can somebody follow up on this?

Apart from Jacqueline Georgio's story arc, everyone also hates Kristen. The girls decided to take a trip away to Solvang which is only two hours away from LA in good traffic, however, they were all annoyed her need to become an emotional terrorist would emerge on their vacation. Ugh. Why all the Kristen hating? She's a treasure and deserves way more recognition than she currently does, this isn't Scheana Marie Shay, it's Kristen Doute and she built this show with her boney vagina and stalking skills. On the day of the trip, Kristen forgot her purse so they had to turn around which pissed off Stassi. Who cares? Yes, it's annoying but Stassi needs to calm the fuck down and take a Xanax, the PJ isn't leaving without you.

Before this trip even started Stassi was already hating on Kristen overtime and the weird "Carter is a cunt" undertones are confusing. Apparently, Kristen fights with her bearded boyfriend over normal mundane things and when leaving her apartment before the trip she had to tip top around not to wake him. I'm so confused. I can feel the producers angling to make us hate Carter, which is a smart move on Kristen's part because relationship issues are the BEST way to ensure screentime on one of these shows. Just look at all the Jax and Brittany shit we have to sit through. Also, all the girls creaming their jeans over the private jet was so relatable but also made me want to hire a plane just so I could plummet to my death but I'm glad Lala's mouth took one for the team and she gave a BJ so her friends could ride the PJ.

While in Solvang, Kristen ate lavender from a bush, told the wine tasting guy Merlot was a "basic bitch" of wine, licked several glasses, rambled to herself and drank her weight in wine while everybody got annoyed and made bitchy confessionals about how her behaviour was not "classy." Excuse me. Is this fucking Downtown Abbey? I know Katie Maloney didn't tell ANYONE to be classy, especially on a show which is based off waiters swapping STDs and getting pornstars pregnant. Nobody is watching this show for class and Kristen getting drunk was the only good part of this Solvang adventure. Kristen can't win with these bitches, if she took it easy and didn't drink they'd call her boring, but she gets slaughtered and they complain she's not classy.

If anyone accuses somebody of not being "classy" on this show one more time the producers need to show a montage of a quarter of this show's history, just to remind everyone where they came from. Also, Lala, Brittany and Scheana having to "beg" Lisa to allow them to go on their Solvang trip was pathetic. Are we still pretending they work there? LVP obviously already saw the call sheet, knew they were going there for weeks in advance but needs to approve their time off now? Kiss my ass. If Lala is dating a guy with a PJ, she doesn't need to be a fucking hostess. Crazy Kristen has officially made her comeback and I am so ready for this crazy bitch to give us EVERYTHING we've been missing for the last few years. My prayers have been answered.

Can we talk about how Guillermero is a daddy? I would let him do dirty things to me and I'm surprised I didn't realise this until now. I'm still shaking but we need to be done with seeing James' open mouth sobbing because it's beyond pathetic. Save it for the pillow or the car ride home, don't break down 45 times in one season after having a conversation with someone of authority. And that brother looks like one of those elves from the Family Guy Christmas special. Google it. I wanted to give him a facial, braces and help mend whatever the fuck is going on there because he's not ugly, he just needs some help. And how did James come out as the Brad Pitt of his family? Wow.

The only other thing to touch on in this episode was Jax and Brittany finding a wedding reception and stressing out about it. Um. Why is this a thing? Who cares about a wedding reception, just have it at TomTom and let LVP shout everyone the food, why rent out a space and spend hundreds on people eating steak? Are we still pretending Jax is paying for this wedding? Jax probably has 78 cents and a condom to his name and if you don't think Bravo is flipping the bill for their big day, you're a fucking idiot. Brittany, Jax and his foot fetish all went to counselling together because they are getting married in the Catholic church (hold your laughter) and he shut her down repeatedly in the session. If Brittany wants to have a voice in her relationship, then she's in the wrong one but I guess she'll make us suffer through therapy scenes to make her seem like the Kentucky angel she wants us to think she is.

The thought of Jax Taylor licking the sludge from inbetween Brittany's toes literally gives me nightmares and is the only thing I can think about whenever they're together. Enough said. The only therapy session I want to watch is Jax confronting his obsession with putting his tongue on dirty, sweaty feet and then maybe I'll be interested.

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!