RHONJ Reunion Recap: Groundhog's Day
This second reunion part was lukewarm at best. We have officially entered the world of Teresa Giudice and I feel like I'm losing brain cells the longer the minutes go on, Teresa's world is full of contractions, leathery chicken, screeching noises and repeating the same nonsensical point until everybody's ears in the room bleed. Did a hamster crawl up Tre's ass before they started taping or is everyone going to pretend like she's not fucking that hot Miami guy? Let's start with that.
Andy asked Teresa about how she was spotted with a hunk on New Year's Eve. Her response was simply saying she was with a lot of people that night and it's just a rumour. That excuse may have flown if I had a peanut for a frontal love, however, since the reunion taping Teresa has also been spotted having a romantic three day weekend with Miami guy as well as being spotted with him in New York, so this wasn't just a random guy asking for a picture, she should've claimed he was just a friend if she wanted something a little more believable but even Dolores knows somethings getting Tre off and it's not the rabbit in her nightstand. Teresa is getting some 26-year-old dick and I support her. Good for Tre. Is she still married? Yes. Is her husband going to spend the rest of his life in Italy? Yes. Does she deserve some junior dick? 100000%.
The reason I didn't enjoy this episode is because it was too Teresa heavy. Where were Margaret's one-liners? Teresa's HBIC status officially came back and I'm not here for it, nothing she says ever makes sense and it just feels like a constant Groundhogs Day as we go round and round the bird brain that is Teresa's world. How many times can she blame all her troubles in life on Melissa? To sum it up, Tre is mad Melissa doesn't defend her. Um. Jennifer attempted to shank Melissa and Dolores jabbed at her all season, where was Teresa defending her then? I rest my case. Teresa's behaviour is indefensible especially when she's only mad at Jackie WHO'S DEFENDING MELISSA. How can Melissa be mad at Jackie when she's the one defending her? Are we all following this train?
Teresa can't ask for support and not give any in return, Melissa's not a bra, she's a human being. How many times can we watch this same fight? Teresa is mad at Melissa for not defending her. Period. End of discussion. This isn't going to be resolved in our lifetime so can either move on or recast the franchise? Melissa can't do anything right in Teresa's eyes and I hope the fan question of their troubles being blamed on sexual tension is correct because there's nothing I'd love more than these two sisters-in-laws becoming late in life lesbians. Could you imagine becoming siblings with your cousins after your mothers started eating fish tacos? And Joe Gorga would not care that he was related to Melissa's new lover, he'd dive right in there and make a threesome out of the situation, whether they were blood or not.
The only thing sadder than this constant redundant fighting is Teresa trying to throw the question cards at Jackie and Andy's strength overpowering her. She competed in a bodybuilding competition and she couldn't even throw a set of cards? Either she just wanted to look threatening without being violent or she's weaker than Danielle Staub's self-esteem. Teresa's behaviour drove the episode but it is so hard to watch. SO HARD. She's so unlikeable my teeth hurt and has no self-awareness to see how much of an asshole she and her nonexistent forehead look like.
I hate to admit this but I understand Teresa's language. When she talks about Melissa being on that side of the couch she doesn't literally mean that couch she means THAT TEAM and when she's saying control she means to persuade. As much as she looks like an idiot after a decade of absorbing the essence of Teresa Giudice, I know exactly what she's saying but Melissa knows taking Teresa's words and/or threats literally will drive her up the wall and I appreciate that. Melissa is so done with her husband's sister, who would bother with a raging lunatic making problems out of nothing?
The table flipper got inbetween her relationship with Melissa long before Jackie even opened her mouth with that prison analogy, so blaming Jackie for their rift is just another delusional misstep. I don't understand how she's saying Jackie and Melissa are up each other's assholes when she literally became Danielle's puppet for half the season. Does she not watch the fucking show? Pay attention PUH-lease. We need a sitemap of Teresa's brain to find out what the fuck is going on and how she's making these connections.
Nonno is also the biggest shit stirrer on the show. He could call Joe, ask to hang out and this entire storyline could've been avoided, however, he bitches and moans to Teresa on camera to get the ball rolling. Melissa said he has the same complaints about Teresa's family to them but that she would never bring that up on the show because that's just how Nonno is. That's the route of this issue. Nonno bitches and moans, it's a known fact but Teresa brought it up on camera and made it an issue that could be dissected across the world which is what Melissa's is really mad about. I am so sick of this family feud and every time Teresa's ghetto Paterson side comes out an angel loses its wings.
Apart from the repetitive Giudice/Gorga drama, the producers had to give Jennifer her fair share of screen time and the best part was seeing how much Andy Cohen hates the Chanel obsessed newbie. Jennifer Aydin is just weird. Let's call it what it is, her house is ugly and is where tacky white furniture goes to die but I'm surprised she only spent $40K on her trip to China because this bitch spends money like she's about to go to jail.
Of course, the ladies addressed her not being allowed to have premarital sex with Bill but she said they could dry hump. Are you kidding me? Has she never heard of the poophole loophole? Or even a blowjob? I'm confused, can the dick enter her at all before saying I do? Jennifer also basically admitted to having sex with someone else before Bill but do we really care and claimed her husband only respected her after she joined a Bravo TV show, so I guess all is well in their Paramus compound.
To end the episode, the producers gave us a lengthy montage of all the Giudices legal issues and Teresa may have the IQ of a fourth grader but it's a sad story. Four children having both their parents go to jail and then possibly have their dad be deported for the rest of their lives is devastating and regardless what you think of Teresa and Joe, you've got to feel bad for the kids. It's a sad narrative in the franchise's history but there's no way Tre is moving to Italy when she could jump on some 26-year-old dick.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the craziest ladies in Jersey.