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Shade of the Week: Summer House

I've never been a huge fan of Summer House and now I know why.

Over their first two seasons I slowly dipped my toe into the Hamptons hot tub filled with STDs and cum that is Summer House, however, it's never captured me. It doesn't have the dysfunction of Vanderpump Rules or even the likeability of the Housewives, it's just not my show but with the season three premiere of a newly shaken up show, I decided to dip my toe back in the hot tub to see what's happening and SURPRISE, I'm still not feeling it.

I don't know any of the names or faces of the old cast members but I do know there were two bitchy twins who got the boot, who probably should've stayed around because they may have been two walking monsters in a Big Bird costume but they were good TV from what I saw peripherally. The ones we were left with are alright but nobody is really grabbing my attention or has the IT factor quality. In each Bravo franchise, there's one unofficial star of the show. NeNe. Bethenny. Vicki. Teresa. Vanderpump. LeeAnne. Karen. Reza. Shep. Stassi. Quad. All these reality stars have that special something that makes them reality TV gold but Summer House just has a bunch of side characters attempting to be the Jersey Shore of the Hamptons.

Who's the star of the show? That blonde monotone Sandoval-esque cheater? I want to say his name is Kyle but I don't even know. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to work out that he cheated on his girlfriend Amanda, Stevie Wonder could see this guy is a douche and he's not even a loveable douche, he's just a douche douche. From watching one episode I can tell Kyle and Amanda's relationship is holding on by a thread, he's trying to support her in the house because everybody hates her when he really just wants to do some lines and fuck all the big tittied bitches across the eastern seaboard. Kyle is 35-years-old. How are you pushing 40 and still living in a "Summer House." I'm confused. Kyle is an annoying prick who I don't even care enough about to insult and Amanda is just a boring WASP who got a nose piercing to feel cool and I'm not surprised everyone hates her.

The 17-page email was rough which I'm guessing was written after a severe pasta binge. Everyone is pretending they want a "drama free summer" which is total bullshit because if these fresh-faced reality "stars" don't have some kind of mess happening during the season then they can kiss the possibility of a fourth season goodbye. Also, why the fuck did he email them instead of just adding everyone to a group text? Who the fuck emails anymore? Is this 2008? Lindsay is the blonde who seems like a fun time and two minutes away from an emotional breakdown at any time, which I am more than here for. Lindsay also is giving me major messy bitch vibes from, you know, exposing Kyle as a cheater which I can respect.

Lindsay and her sidekick Danielle seem like some girls I could whoop it up with, especially if they were paying. I guess Danielle and Carl fucked and it was bad? I don't know but you'd be hard pressed to find a preppy New Yorker who Carl hasn't been inside of. The men on this show aren't movie star level hot but they aren't bad looking, so the girls have to pretend they are attracted to at least one of them to keep some kind of storyline going. Carl is hot in a hairy, trust fund baby way but it seems like once he cums he'd roll over and fall asleep regardless if you finished or not. He's trying to be Carl 3.0 to right his fuckboy wrongs but he'll be inside something within the next three episodes.

We've already seen Kyle and Amanda fuck through the spycam in their room this season which begs the question, how the fuck do you masturbate? I guess you just have to give zero fucks about the Bravo Big Brother watching from above and just nut.

The new people are okay. Hannah is a self-described "ratchet girl from Brooklyn who speaks her mind" which is exactly what this show needs. Hannah is pretty but also seems like she's not opposed to a physical fight which is a beautiful thing. She's edging closer and closer to Danielle and Lindsay's side which is definitely the only side you want to be on. They're fun, like to get drunk and have information on Kyle cheating on Amanda, their arch enemy, does it get any better than that? The new guy, whose name I didn't even bother to remember is either a homosexual or a Mormon. Or a closeted homosexual Mormon. His Instagram is a total catfish compared to his real face and there's definitely some dark secret about him either it's being a virgin or being touched up by his Southern pastor.

The other girl whose name also escapes me is little and cute but she's got to cut the crap with her strict Italian family. This girl's storyline is being too scared to talk about sex on camera because her dad might watch the show and pretending she's still a virgin. Were these really the best newbies Bravo could find? A weird Mormon and a fucking nun? These two better be fucking bareback in the hot tub by episode three to earn their place on the show because if not we need to bring those twins back to make everyone want to kill themselves.

I don't know if I'll tune in again. The only thing I'm invested in is seeing Kyle and Amanda's relationship blow up in front of our faces, which is appealing but this show is basically just Southern Charm in the Hamptons - but with jobs.

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