RHONY Recap: Countess Mentality
New York is the best Housewives franchise hands down because there's a system to how they do things. The ladies warm us up in the Hamptons at the start of every season while summer is winding down, travel to the Berkshires at the halfway mark which is where the drama really climaxes, they might also take a day trip to Connecticut or someplace upstate to spit out a few one liners before they take a tropical cast trip to get shit faced while having wild moments in the city inbetween all their globetrotting - or tri-state trotting.
Like Pokemon, the Housewives excel in different locations which allows everyone to shine at different points throughout the season. Dorinda's always amped up through the Hamptons trips, Sonja makes her mark whenever they go somewhere tropical with booze and Bethenny can't visit the Berkshires without verbally abusing one of her costars before crying in the bathroom. Everybody has their own strengths and although we are currently in the Hamptons where everyone is slowly getting back into the rhythm of slinging shit after a summer of relaxation, we can rest assured knowing there's a lot more to come.
Right now the cast is divided between the Blondes and Brunettes with Sonja bouncing back and forth between the two groups. Luann and Dorinda's beef is still running deep, no one with dark roots wants to associate with Ramona and Tinsley is just stuck in the background talking about the Coupon King. Lu and Skinnygirl are obviously going through a lot with Lu's relapse and the death of Dennis, however, can't these girls rally together for at least one group dinner? These bitches always can put their drama aside to have a nice Bravo paid meal but this feud runs deeper than Ramona's swimming pool.
As a way to distract us from the dark division, Dorinda decided to hand out mermaid costumes to the Blondes as they channelled their inner Ariel and flapped around Ramona's pool while taking photos. How much pasta was Dorinda "eating" when she came up with this idea? It was fun, unique and a weird break from all the drama but what the actual fuck? The Blondes are definitely the more fun team. They collectively lack self-awareness, have livers of steel and are shamelessly on the prowl for dick at all times, while the Brunettes have sober Luann on their team and a grieving Bethenny. Yes, they have their struggles but how much fun can sobriety and death be? There's ironically a dark cloud hanging over the Brunettes right now, however, they have one saving grace: Barbara.
I don't know what boxes Babs didn't tick to receive her apple but she was in basically every single scene, had three different confessionals and is such a quintessential Upper East Side socialite, I don't understand how Bravo wasn't throwing apples her way. Barbara is self-aware enough to not look like an idiot but fun enough to not have a stick up her ass. There's obviously a fighter somewhere inside Barbara The Builder, however, we haven't found her quite yet, although, we did find out that she fucked her painter. Forget pat the puss, it's all about PAINT the puss. Babs is funny, straight talking, smart and knows how to plug her business like a professional, why wasn't she made a Housewife a decade ago? I love Barbara K but give me three more episodes and her first significant beef before I can really make an informed decision.
This episode was lukewarm and there's really not too much to report. Ramona and Luann have been feuding for 10 years and it literally never gets old. These bitches could be 95-years-old in a nursing home and their endless bickering would still be entertaining. It's a tale old as time, Ramona says something ignorant, the two exchange insults back and forth until they both forget about whatever they were fighting about and mend their relationship through alcohol. The two OGs have a mutual respect and tolerance for each other because they know neither one is going anywhere and that's why this show is the best in the franchise. They all recognise they need each other to make this show a success.
Ramona is still patrolling the Hamptons for 25-year-old's to flirt with and she's definitely the cast member who would pull a Gabrielle Solis and start fucking her hot teenage gardener, along with Sonja and Lu if they haven't already. The only thing anyone can talk about this episode is Luann and Dorinda's feud. The two are currently in a standoff after they still haven't resolved their weird fight in Colombia and the subsequent Jovani heckling, they both hurt the others feelings and should just apologise to move on because if I have to go through another episode of the entire cast talking about the situation but not actually doing anything about it I'm going to slit my wrists. Normally Dorinda has the confidence and intelligence to recognise her faults and apologise instantly but when an alcoholic accuses you of being an alcoholic, there's definitely some feelings that go along with that.
Last season when Dorinda spoke about Lu's mugshot, drinking problem and hatefully heckled her during her debut cabaret performance I was firmly #TeamCountess, however, after seeing Luann climb onto her high horse and adapt to her Countess mentality of thinking as if she's better than everyone else, I quickly shifted to sympathising with Dorinda. The resident slurrer is genuinely hurt about this feud, you can see it in her eyes, whereas Luann is angry and acting like an entitled bitch in the process. I love Luann de Lesseps but she's not likeable when she puts her Countess sash on and starts acting like mayor of Stepford. I miss drunk Lu and the Luann who owns her mistakes but can have fun at the same time. Can this feud end because it feels like we've been talking about this drama for 79 years and it needs to end.
Can we talk about that Tyler Perry quote? I have no words. First of all, where did Dorinda find the quote and second, couldn't she have just changed the name to Gandi or Oprah to make it sound more poetic? Tyler Perry knows how to make a great straight to DVD movie but I don't think even he could fix this fucked up friendship.
Following Dorinda's disinvition from Barbara's clam bake for refusing to call Luann beforehand to attempt to fix their relationship (and no, a Tyler Perry quote did not suffice), the rest of the Blondes headed over to the new "friend's" party. In no uncertain terms, Barbara told Sonja to leave Ramona at home and only bring Tinsley along, however, that's not how the Singer Stinger rolls. After she has failed to acknowledge her existence the past 15 times they've met, Ramona decided to rock up to Barb's event she was not invited to, walk through the front door and make her way into the backyard. Ramona Singer is a monster and watching her in action is like making cookies and getting to lick the bowl.
The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the big apple ladies!