RHONY Recap: Sharknado
Is Bravo slowly converting into Animal Planet because I have seen not one but TWO dog events on this network in the last week and that's on top of all the Beverly Hills dog drama AND DJ James Kennedy's event next week. It has to stop and in the drunken words of Taylor Armstrong "ENOUGH!" Dogs are great but they are taking over my reality TV viewing and unless Bravo is angling at some kind of House Dogs spinoff they can get rid of all the puppy parades.
As a way for Tinsley to break into her old socialite ways before she was arrested in a Palm Beach rage, she decided to host a doggy fashion show for all her friends to bring their dogs and walk them down the runway. Dorinda's dog was the only one who's feet actually touched the ground and I'm still confused why they needed to waste our time showing this event when the only thing that happened was Sonja humping Ramona and the Stinger Singer completely ignoring Dale's existence as she does to most people, so obviously Dolores Catania is right! Ramona Singer is a monster but after eleven seasons on reality TV, everybody has just decided to accept it and move on.
Apart from being asked if she was Tinsley's sister, Dale also achieved her own confessional. DALE HAS A FUCKING CONFESSIONAL. Bravo treats Tinsley the same way they treat D'Andra Simmons on Dallas, they keep them around not because we care about their own personal storylines but because we want to see their mothers and Bravo is too scared to boost up Mama Dee and Dale to Housewives status. Everyone with two eyes and a brain can see Dale is a much better fit for this group than her daughter, even Dale knows it, so instead of giving her an apple Bravo will just include her in every single episode and give her a confessional. I've said it countless times but can we please get The Real Mothers of Bravo with Mama Dee, Dale, Mama Joyce, Mama Elsa (if she's still alive), Lois, Vida, Patricia Altschul and Marge Sr? Bravo is obviously trying to send us in a younger direction with their new young dud Housewives but we only need 45+ women on this network.
Bethenny decided to film her grief counselling on the show and cried about feeling guilty for Dennis dying. I'm in two minds over Bethenny Frankel and I have no idea what to think. On one hand, she's a totally insufferable cunt who thinks she's above everyone else on the show and on the other hand, she's griefing and I'm interested in her layers of what she's going through. It's not black and white as if they were in a loving relationship when he died. No no. They were on and off, engaged (?), clearly, there was an addiction involved and Bethenny still had her 5150 ex. Things were dysfunctional as fuck when he was alive so it makes sense for his death to be just as fucked up. She was possibly the closest person to Dennis but faded into the background at his funeral and feels guilty for only getting off their crazy relationship of dysfunction because he's dead.
As much as I think she filmed it for the show to get sympathy, I was obsessed with this scene but I have a question. Why was their relationship dysfunctional? We only saw him on the show once so we have no idea what was happening behind closed doors. What the fuck happened? Why was it so dysfunctional? Why couldn't they stay together? How long was he on drugs? I have so many questions and if Bethenny wants to film a therapy session on the show she has to give us ALL the tea instead of sleeping on the important parts. Not to throw shade or act like Ramona but Bethenny really doesn't have many close people in her life so once you're in, you're in. That's why her relationship with Carole hurt so hard. We all know the fuckery that's gone on in Bethenny's past so it makes sense why she's so guarded but he was her person in the world and now he's gone and that would suck more than anything in the world.
After the ladies attended the dog event which I can't even be bothered to get into, they all climbed aboard Ramona's friend's yacht and I'm just surprised Bravo didn't throw in the "WE GOT THE YACHT" flashback because anytime these bitches take to the sea they always manage to throw that footage in. Somehow the topic of Samantha Jones' SATC sushi scene came up which just paved the way for a boatload of sex jokes for Bethenny while Ramona argued a pussy shouldn't smell like fish in the first place. Thanks for letting us know Ramona and just for future reference I think Tinsley obviously has the nicest smelling vagina which probably has the same scent as one of those tween Victoria Secret perfumes.
Speaking of Mugshot Mortimer she was in the hot seat when everyone started asking about her relationship with the Coupon King. I know all these ladies are single but why do we have to talk about this boring relationship? He's never on the show, we don't even know what their struggles are AND Tinsley isn't exactly the most interesting cast member on this show. He lives in Chicago and she can't move because she wants to stay on the show, it's that fucking simple. Is he going to propose? Probably not. Will they stay together for longer than they should? Fuck yes, that's the only uncertainty in this situation. I really don't care enough about this relationship to give an accurate opinion but the most interesting part of the entire conversation was Bethenny admitting she didn't know Tinsley's real age.
Just as everyone has done for the last five seasons, the ladies made the ultimate trek to the Berkshires for their yearly dissension to hell. The other Housewives shows don't have annual traditions which is why it's good to see these Big Apple bitches keep the Berkshires alive and another reason why this is the best show on Bravo. Instead of travelling to Blue Stone Manor for Christmas, Dorinda decided to push the trip up and host it around Halloween. She cooked, she decorated and she made it nice with ghost and ghouls decorations outside the house and although most of the women were scared of them, their own behaviour from past years was much more scary than a statue of Bethenny crying. Shall we rank the years of fuckery?
Fourth place goes to the SEASON 7 trip. Dorinda was a newbie on the show and the only thing to happen was Bethenny announcing she was allergic to fish so Heather tried to be nice and Skinnygirl treated her like a total cunt in front of the dinner table and started crying. It was weird and obviously just a warm-up for what's to come.
Third place goes to the SEASON 9 trip. Ramona and Bethenny's relationship came to a peak during this trip and by peak I mean the Stinger Singer accused her of having sex on a waterbed, making out with a girl and having her tits out in a soft porn video from the 90s which resulted in Bethenny screaming MENTION IT ALL while she put her vagina out on the table. The ladies also tried to give Lu another Tom intervention and while so much happened, it wasn't the best trip we've seen.
Second place goes to the SEASON 10 trip. Last season's Berkshires episodes were the most fun these ladies have had. Bethenny and Carole's friendship started to decombust from this point forward and the entire cast got shit faced in Christmas costumes while Bethenny flashed us her hard fake tits once again. On top of all their drunken behaviour which resulted in Lu waking up hungover in the Fish Room, Dorinda also threw a cake with lit candles in her own face. Does it get any better than that?
Obviously, it does because first place goes to the SEASON 8 trip. Bethenny calling Luann a slut in Dorinda's dining room put the Berkshires on the map, without the season 8 trip who knows if we would've had another one? Skinnygirl slut shamed the statement necklace addict for no apparent reason which caused Lu to go outside and vent to Jules who's dad was currently in the hospital. Oh and Dorinda also had a breakdown resulting in another infamous catchphrase and Sonja was disinvited from the trip. Nothing beats Berkshires 2016.
I don't know where the SEASON 11 trip is going to fall in the ranking, however, we've had a great start. Dorinda's sister Melinda stopped by and she looks like an older, more butch version of Mrs Medley and I am more than here for a Melinda spinoff. New York is really turning out their side characters this season: Dale, Ann, Laurie and now Melinda. When the leading ladies fail to deliver we can always count on their sidekicks to step it up. Luann also treated Dorinda like she was a concierge to arrange yoga instructors and masseurs come to the house and then had the audacity to complain about being stuck in the Fish Room as if Dorinda was sitting in her home maliciously plotting to stick the Cuntess in the room with fake fish on the wall.
Luann is really testing my patience this year. She had the best season of her Housewives career last year and now after going to rehab she's done a total 180 and is back being the Countess. It's not fun to watch somebody act like an entitled bitch and continue to complain about where they are sleeping once the host has literally bent over backwards to accommodate her diva demands. Who does Luann think she is? Mariah Carey? It's common knowledge among the girls that the Fish Room is the worst room but I love a home where each room has a different theme. I just want to see the group chat text messages of the ladies bitching about the Fish Room year after year. Let's be honest the breakdown of the rooms is 1) Hannah's Room, 2) Moroccan Room, 3) Back Guest Room and 4) Fish Room.
Luann complained that Bethenny scored Hannah's Room and she wasn't even there but can't she just shut the fuck up? They are there for literally one night, maybe two or three at the most, why does it matter where you lay your head? Dorinda didn't know the Fish Room was the worst room so it wasn't done maliciously, and you would think a Countess who brags about etiquette would have a little more class than to bitch and complain about where she's sleeping. It's rude and tacky and if I'm ever lucky enough to stay in Blue Stone Manor I'd be honoured to sleep in the Fish Room.
The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the big apple ladies!