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RHOBH Recap: British Humour

Since Vanderpump has decided to fall off the face of the earth and spend her days at Villa Rosa making out with her dogs, Camille Grammer has been working overtime to secure her diamond and proving Season One Camille is alive and well. From defending Brent Kavanagh to playing both sides of the fence, Camille is doing everything she can to be the new group target and I am more than here for her pernicious side to rejoin the ladies.

Before we dive into the ladies cumming over the latest Boy George cameo, can we talk about Beverly Hills turning into The View last week? I can’t find one fuck to give about politics but as far as I’m concerned everyone has the right to their own opinion and if Camille wants to defend a guy accused of rape because she feels a kinship over being labelled “America’s Worst Housewife” then go for it, at least she was brave enough to speak up unlike everyone else at the table who knew they’d lose fans if they dared to touch politics on TV. Also, have their ever been two people more suited for a feud than Camille Grammer and Lisa Fucking Rinna? These are two SEASONED old bitches who have both had their turns of being the villain and know how to make a good show.

Vanderpump has officially decided to stop showing up and although it is definitely a sign of defeat and justifies all the ladies claims towards her this season, if LVP isn’t around I don’t want to hear about her. If you’re not guilty wouldn’t you show up and defend yourself instead of going MIA and blaming it on wanting to grieve your brother when you filmed an entire season of Vanderpump Rules beforehand? Lisa’s dirty mitts are all over Puppy Gate, however, I don’t care if she is invited to events or if she texts the ladies back. I don’t care and if she doesn’t care enough to show up and face the music then none of the ladies should care enough to bring her up, I just can’t wait until we can all move on from Puppy Gate entirely and end season nine without any mention of Vandermuff while she stays home and pretends she’s renovating her kitchen from having one fight with Kyle.

When LVP gets caught she bolts and we have years of flashbacks to draw from. Instead of staying in the room and potentially getting wrapped up in her web, she runs away and plays the victim before she can get muddled up in her own story because as we’ve seen with her white lie regarding telling Dorit Teddi knows while also claiming she didn’t know Teddi knew, she keeps her story as straight as Lance Bass at a Christmas party.

No one is loving life more than Denise Richards. She has a hot young husband with a massive cock, three beautiful daughters, a nice mansion in Malibu, a secured reality TV paycheck, a healthy relationship with tequila and has more sex than a dog on heat. Denise is my spirit animal and between her bragging about working out and having sex with her hunky newlywed husband she also manages to sneak a Charlie Sheen reference into every conversation which is 85% of the reason she was hired. Can we please get a Denise/Aaron sex scene by the end of the season? If Margaret from Jersey can shower in front of us, this loved up Malibu couple definitely can.

Apart from the LVP talk and Denise restraining herself from fucking her husband on camera, the only thing left was the ladies going to the Boy George concert. Is Boy George Madonna because whenever he’s around these ladies act like Jesus Christ has been resurrected with blue eyeshadow. Yes, everyone knows Culture Club but can they tone down the faux excitement for next time? For some odd reason, the ladies decided to meet at Teddi’s house while all her children were home. Seeing her kids cry about her going to a concert was the best birth control I’ve had in years and only is further proof that small children do not belong on Bravo. If the network hires once more Housewife under 40 with toddlers I’m going finger myself with a pair of scissors.

Nobody wants to sit down after a long day and watch snot-nosed little kids crying, people don’t even like seeing that behaviour from their own kids let alone on a reality show that was made for women to fight. Do you really think Erika, Lisa Rinna and Camille enjoy going into homes with loud, obnoxious toddlers and pretending like they not only think they’re cute but that they don’t want to punch them in the face? Do I need to make a Gia Giudice inspired petition or something?

After what felt like an hour of Teddi’s son acting like he was having his foot amputated, the ladies finally made a break for it and travelled to the Boy George concert where Camille pretended that she didn’t know Vanderpump was invited to her wedding shower before she admitted to lying. Season One Camille is an icon and even though she’s trying to play both sides of the fence in this feud, she’s only a friend and as long as she’s striving for a diamond, I’m not mad. While in the van over there, Teddi also jumped in on the Vanderpump conversation and brought up how she texted Lisa to try and move forward. Who cares? Why would she want a 75-year-old who she knew for a year to forgive her? The show is better off without Vanderpump weighting it down and as soon as they stop referencing her in every episode then this shows true potential will be shown.

I must be a complete idiot if I thought we could get through two scenes without Lisa Vanderpump’s name being mentioned because not only was she the topic of conversation in the van but PK also confessed to Dorit that he called Ken so they can sit down and have a conversation over the dog drama that transpired. Let me ask you again. Who gives a fuck? Lisa is never going to admit any wrongdoing and this situation has gone on for far too wrong to be resolved. Everyone in the group thinks she fucked up and she won’t admit to it, so where do we go from here? Have a season full of Lisa slinging shitty insults and jabs disguised as British humour to punish everyone who didn’t agree with her? I’m over it and if she wants to pull an Adrienne Maloof and skip most of this season then who the fuck would bring her back for next season?

Finally, the LVP conversation only ended once the ladies got drunk and started dancing to Culture Club songs they didn’t know the words to. I’m always here for watching the ladies bop around in a VIP section but did the producers really need to give us 10 minutes of Boy George seeing? Did they really have that little material that we got a Boy George concert special? Sure it was entertaining but isn’t this Bravo we are watching? I have so many questions but before I could care enough to have them answered, the ladies went backstage where Kyle asked Boy George if he’s ever scared someone will do something to him while he’s performing, before they could even have a discussion, PK jumped in saying Kyle would think like that because she’s weird enough not to get along with her best friend.

What the fuck. Sure, he’s using the dumb excuse of British humour to get away with a weird joke, but if he’s going to make a joke can he at least make it funny? The joke had nothing to do with the conversation and you could just tell PK and his diabetes were waiting in the wings to throw a shitty Vanderpump comment Kyle’s way. I guess British people just don’t like Kyle. PK is in the same exact same position as Kyle when it comes to LVP and the American Woman producer only got herself exiled from Villa Rosa defending Dorit and PK, if they had just given the dog back to Vanderpump Dogs like, you know, what the contract stated, then no one would be in this mess. I was just starting to approach the idea of liking PK but he just makes it so hard.

Kyle stormed out after PK’s comment which Dorit tried to defend by saying he was making a joke. Everyone knows I love a good joke but the first rule of humour is that it has to be funny and British humour is just a cop-out for people who sound like Prince Charles to make a jab but not take responsibility for it. In the midst of all of this, Teddi got involved trying to say something but before she could even get a word out, Dorit jumped down her throat like a 10-inch dick.

The situation didn’t involve Teddi at all but of course, she was heartbroken and couldn’t function once Dorit yelled at her. I like Teddi and she brings a great energy to the show, but how can you be a good Housewife when you can’t take it whenever a cast member raises their voice a little? By the end of the episode Teddi, Kyle and Dorit all decided to get along while Rinna concluded she’s just an asshole with iconic hair with big lips. Do I really need to say anything else when Lisa “QVC” Rinna comes out with zingers like that?

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the 90210 ladies

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