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RHONY Recap: Mario Kart

If Sonja had mentioned she had a famous artist friend with an insane bird collection in his gallery, millions worth of bunny inspired artwork and red hats for everyone to walk around in, no one would believe her but we saw this extravagant mess take place first hand on this week’s episode.

Sonja lived an over the top life during her days in the Morgan dynasty and all her mutterings about Nigerian football teams, Saudi princes and Staad are probably all true as this weird art gallery experience really does legitimise most of her far fetched drunken stories. There’s so much we don’t know about Sonja’s life during the Morgan years and we don’t even know definitively why they broke up, so there’s definitely a book there it just depends how much the Morgan estate is willing to spend to stop her from writing about their home truths.

Apart from the weird Birdcage moment, I have one question, where is Kevin? Bethenny’s driver Kevin has been missing for a while now and without any explanation. Did he die? Why did he leave? Where is he now? Did he know too much and Bethenny had no choice to take him out? Was he only there as a spy for Jason Hoppy? I have more than enough questions and one confessional bite of Bethenny introducing her new driver and explaining why Kevin no longer works for her would explain everything. We definitely need an Oprah: Where Are They Now special on what happened to Kev.

I don’t really understand why Sonja needed to introduce us to her artist friend in Brooklyn, however, he not only had photos of her littered across his table but Mugshot Mortimer too, which somehow was the information to prove to Bethenny that Tinsley once was a big deal. Didn’t we go through this “It Girl” bullshit when she first joined the show? She was a Page Six favourite, had a Dior lipstick named after her and a Gossip Girl cameo. Does it get any bigger for a New York socialite?

Speaking of Tinsley, she officially broke up with Scott. Will they be back together after filming wraps? Absolutely. Does anyone give a fuck about her relationship? Hell no. Due to a little thing called “the fourth wall” no one can address the main reason why Tinsley’s relationship is doomed and that’s because Scott wants no part of the show, even the three times he has appeared on the show in the background he always looks like he’s about to take a nervous shit and if Tinsley has to choose between love and her “career,” she should decide to move to Chicago and start an IVF family with Scott.

However, we all know Tinsley misses her life at the top of the New York food chain and she won’t be happy until she’s back. This is a relationship is definitely more of a business arrangement. Tinsley needs a sugar daddy to bankroll her life and Scott needs a hot young (ish) socialite on his arm to bring to events but he doesn’t want a family and he doesn’t want all their dirty laundry splashed across Page Six and his girlfriend’s reality show.

The relationship is never going to work and I’m sick of hearing about it. I know this is basically the only relationship on the show and the girls need something to talk about but if he isn’t even willing to show up then why should we all have to hear about the Coupon King week after week. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Tinsley needs an older investment banker on Wall Street who can pay for her life and help her pump out a few kids before she turns 50 and the sooner she starts listening to her mother Dale, the faster she’ll kick Scott to the curb and move on to the next guy.

This episode was very Tinsley heavy which is odd considering she’s the Kourtney Kardashian of this franchise. Apart from everyone celebrating the demise of her relationship with Scott, Tinsley not only spoke to Lu about her father’s alcoholism as well as rehearsed for her role in hosting the Big Apple Circus. Why is she acting like she’s hosting the Oscars? Tinsley saw the circus when she was little and now suddenly she's having flashbacks to enjoying the day at the circus with her alcoholic father. Tinsley is a hot mess but somehow she works for this show, I don’t know why but these Housewives need a younger, annoying sister to boss around and tease about her relationship problems. Normally I hate any kind of physical activity, besides sex, on reality TV but seeing both Dorinda and Tinsley swinging on a trapeze was something I didn’t know I needed to see.

Ramona, Luann and Sonja are the official New York Dream Team. They embody everything this show is and the fact they filmed a scene at TBAR with Mario Singer was like Destiny’s Child performing at the Super Bowl with Jay Z. The idea of going to an Upper East Side hotspot with these Housewives strongholds literally makes me wet and I wouldn’t expect them to talk about anything else besides knowing the difference between guys who want to marry them and guys who want to fuck them. Everyone pretended to be surprised once Mario resurfaced but he was miced up and ready to go with weird gifts in tow. Are we really supposed to believe he just bumped into them? Sonja and Lu have never met an ex-husband they didn’t like so if Ramona doesn’t fuck him, we know the other two will sit on his face in no time flat.

Everyone is aware of Mario cheating on Ramona with a blonde 20 something with fake boobs in the Hamptons which is the most cliche part of a mid-life crisis along with getting an earring and buying a vintage motorbike to piss off your wife. Think about it, if Mario got a piercing instead of piercing a college students labia then we never would’ve been given the gift of Single Ramona and that is a scary thought to consider. I’m here for a Ramona/Mario reconciliation because, after four seasons of the Singer Stinger parading her See You Next Tuesday around the Upper East Side, we all know she wants to be in a committed relationship, but what the fuck is happening to Mario’s face? His mid-life crisis definitely included some filler and a shit load of Botox because he’s starting to turn into Joan Rivers but without the comedy career.

To end the episode, Dorinda set up a spa day but she and Ramona instantly started going at it after they both attended a charity event where they were both seated at table 62, however, Ramona started social climbing and moved up to table 61. This is typical Ramona Singer and if she invited me to a gala and didn’t ditch me, I’d be surprised. The thing that is more offensive than Ramona swapping seats is Bravo filming the event and not showing us the footage, which featured JILL MOTHER FUCKING ZARIN. Who does she have the screw to even get featured on the show this season?

Ramona ended up pushing Dorinda trying to prove she didn’t ditch her, but when she sat down at table 61, didn’t she notice Dorinda wasn’t there? Wouldn’t that have been the clue that she was the wrong table? Also, Ramona swearing on her daughter’s life and then having the producers show a flashback of her doing exactly what she said she didn’t do, was amazing. Ramona is a monster but Dorinda, like many before her, gave up trying to keep the Singer Stinger accountable because it’s just not worth it.

The only thing left to talk about is Barbara. I’m confused where she sits on the show, I like her because she knew all the women and was a natural fit but I’m over her fish out of water mentality and being surprised whenever some drama transpires. Did she not know what she was signing up for? If she’s going to bed early in the Berkshires and is overwhelmed by the fighting then she’s only holding a space. She’s a middle of the road Housewife, I don’t hate her and I don’t love her, she’s just eh.

Babs told the ladies she didn’t like Ramona and had to go on an apology tour which consisted of Dorinda crying and Ramona telling she needs to stop wearing wrap dresses. Ramona is acting like Anna Wintour but do we need to go down memory lane of all her satin dresses? The exchange between Ramona and Babs The Bisexual Builder was more awkward than Lu spending time around alcohol and was literally five minutes of Ramona criticising every part of her being, before sort of making up with her and refusing to give her a hug. Ramona Singer is the absolute worst and somehow I can’t get enough.

The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the big apple ladies!

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