Shade of the Week: Lisa Vanderpump

PSA: Before all you LVP stans come out of the woodwork to attack me for talking shit about your “queen” and using her brother’s death as an excuse for her getting away with murder, know one thing: I don’t give a fuck. If you’re a Lisa Vanderpump stan it’s your fault for reading my articles because you know where I stand, so you can write me your hate mail and send it to the PO Box in Vanderpump’s dusty muff.

We’ve come to the point of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills when Lisa Vanderpump has officially stopped showing up and I plan on enjoying our sabbatical from Pomeranians, British humour and her saggy 75-year-old tits, so this is the last time I plan on talking about her unless she shows up to the reunion.

I don’t hate Lisa Vanderlump but she’s not my vibe. Even in the beginning when she was the funny British girl with dogs without voice boxes, she wasn’t for me and when every single one of her cast members past and present accused her of being manipulative behind the scenes, this bitch definitely wasn’t my vibe. In the words of Heather Dubrow, if every single cast member past and present has accused of you manipulating things behind the scenes, planting stories and throwing your friends under the bus, it’s time to lay down. Do we really need to go back through the history of this franchise?

For the first eight years of Beverly Hills every few seasons a certain Housewife would mount a campaign after Vanderpump fucked her over behind the scenes and laughed it off while holding Giggy, however, they’d either get fired or be sentenced to at least two seasons of punishment in the form of jabs disguised as jokes and countless passive-aggressive attacks on camera to make them look bad. And for those who weren’t brave enough to stand up, like Kyle in the later years, they just had to sit down and shut up because they knew Vanderpump ran the game they could never win. Now everything has changed.

Each and every cast member on the show has been a victim of one of Vanderpump’s schemes and Lisa’s tricks are more tired than her blowout because she always handles her takedowns the same way. She takes a “broken bird” under her wing while she nurtures them and slowly starts to fill their head with shit about another Housewife who Lisa doesn’t like but can’t outwardly attack, so they can do her dirty work without even knowing it. This is what we call the Pump Puppet and in LVP plans there's always a puppet and her intended victim who can go at it while LVP keeps her hands clean even though she fuelled the fire. For all you bots who don’t believe me, let’s go down the line.

Season 2: Armstrong Abuse

Pump Puppet: Camille

Victim: Taylor

According to never before seen footage only released in flashback from this season, after Camille iconically outed Taylor Armstrong’s abusive relationship to the world, she accused LVP of telling her to do so beforehand. This is one of many schemes where Lisa used one of her friends to attack someone she didn’t like without getting her hands dirty.

Season 4: Magazines

Pump Puppet: Brandi

Victim: Kyle

The first whole cast revolt was led by Brandi after she claimed LVP wanted her to put magazines about Mauricio cheating in her luggage on the way to Palm Springs in an attempt to get at Kyle.

Season 6: Munchausen

Pump Puppet: Rinna

Victim: Yolanda

In Season 6 when Yolanda was held up in her house fighting Lyme Disease, Lisa Rinna brought up the possibility of her having Munchausen after she, LVP and Kyle had all made fun of Yolanda’s illness together, however, Rinna claimed LVP insisted she bring it up on camera and immediately ran away from the situation once she did, as a way to attack Yolanda through Lisa Rinna.

Season 9: Puppy Gate

Pump Puppet: Teddi

Victim: Dorit

In her latest attack of manipulation, LVP enlisted new Pump Puppet Teddi Mellencamp to bring up how Dorit had given a dog to a kill shelter on camera. However, in an attempt to keep her hands cleaner than Teddi’s diet, she used her employee to message Teddi about the situation so she could claim none of this information came from her.

Whether you believe it or not, you can’t deny there’s a fucking Pump Pattern going on. She uses someone to hurt someone else while being able to be the fun and loveable British character with more small dogs than Cruella De Vil. Is everyone from Camille to Brandi to Rinna to Teddi to Yolanda to Kyle to Dorit to Taylor lying? Is this all apart of a nine-year scheme to take her down? No. When you’ve had a problem with every single cast member in history, you’re the asshole. And what’s more proof Lisa Vandercunt is a fraud is how each victim has believed the Pump Puppet’s story. They all believed that LVP would try to hurt them as a sniper from the side and that’s why in season nine every single cast member is over the bullshit because they’ve been a victim of her schemes in one way or another.

Kyle: Victim (Season 4)

Rinna: Pump Puppet (Season 6)

Erika: Neither, but she knew she was bad news from day one

Dorit: Victim (Season 9)

Teddi: Pump Puppet (Season 9)

Camille: Pump Puppet (Season 2)

The only person not affected by LVP’s kool-aid is Denise Richards and that’s because she’s been around for five minutes and the producers need at least one person to be able to shoot scenes with her. As a person with half a brain and hours upon hours spent watching reality TV, it confuses me how so many people can overlook facts and receipts of the show’s past just because they like her British accent and dogs without voice boxes. Have we ever heard one of those things bark because that’s not cute, that’s a mutant.

Lisa never admits wrongdoing for any of her reality TV crimes and that’s why this show is so hard to watch. Lisa Vandermuff is never going to say she’s wrong and she’s never going to change this story, so there’s only so far we can go before she has to stop filming so the storyline can change. She’s a hypocritical hypersensitive pussy who can say whatever she wants about anyone and claim it’s British humour, however, when someone does the same to her she holds onto it for three seasons before pretending to be their friend on camera when she’s actually coming up with schemes to take them down. This isn’t normal and although it makes for excellent reality TV, it’s more fucked up than a porn star’s vagina.

Forget her own cast members, Vanderpump has even pissed off Housewives on the other side of the country. NeNe Leakes opened up about how LVP convinced her not to buy a piece of property in West Hollywood before buying the land for herself and turning it into Pump. Ramona Singer also complained about LVP ditching Andy Cohen’s baby shower and stated when she gets her own fake teeth, they won’t look fake like Lisa’s. When we finally get our Real Housewives All-Stars series can we throw these three in and see the East Coasters rip Vanderpump to shreds? Also, the takedown of 2019 even extended to Vanderpump Rules where Ariana Madix gained the courage to confront her boss about making the Toms look like bumbling idiots. Everyone who comes in contact with this woman can see what she is: a low down monkey with fake teeth.

What does LVP even bring to the table? Her dogs, restaurants, British accent, bad sex jokes that aren’t funny, satin blouses and tired blowout. She never starts any drama except if it’s behind the scenes to make herself look better, so I’m not sure what we’d even miss if she wasn’t around. We hardly know anything about her past, we’ve never met any of her real friends that aren’t celebrities she’s met through reality TV and her husband looks like he’s been placed on life support. She’s legitimately the most overrated Housewife in any city and if Vanderpump Rules wasn’t named after her, I wouldn’t want her on that either, but I’ll accept it as she just strolls around the background trying to act like a mother figure to the 40-year-old SURvers.

As for her Bravo future, we no longer need her on Housewives as she ages the show, there’s no possible way anybody would tune into a Vanderpump Dogs spin-off and the only other venue I’d want to see Vanderlump in, is if we have a Vanderpump Rules: Las Vegas spin-off with her new restaurant in Caesars Palace. Lisa Vanderpump is cancelled, you can’t ditch filming for half a season and then expect to be welcomed back with a pay rise the next time around. Can’t we play by Adrienne Maloof standards where if you don’t show up you get fired? Aren’t those the rules because if anyone else on the cast didn’t show up they’d find a pink slip in their letterbox so I’m not sure why the rules would be any different for LVP.

Also, if she doesn’t show up to the reunion then she is a total pussy. Lisa should at least attend to close this chapter for good and not let it carry on any longer because if she ditches the reunion and they still bring her back then Bravo is setting an unfair standard across not only the Housewives franchise but every show on the network. I’m officially Vanderpumped out and I’ve said everything that needs to be said about the shameless strumpet, so until possibly-maybe the reunion if she dares to show up: bye bitch!